Friday, April 20, 2012
Yesterday I was perusing a 'Todays Parent' magazine and it was all about mother's day. I don't know why I do this to myself, I am just really curious and sort of drawn to things like that. I guess I like to imagine sometimes, that I am actually parenting Parker, only in my imagination though, and even there, it feels like I fail or would fail at it. Anyways, there was a story written by an adoptive mom, apparently she blogs, when I edit this post, I'll try to add links and stuff. Right now, I can't seem to figure that out, so just Google it yourself if you want to know. This story was OK, but it worried me because it was just too neatly ended with the idea that because the birth mom moved on, was pursuing college and a 'better life' for herself that the adoptive mom felt happier about providing a 'better life' for the child she adopted from said birth mom. I posted this question on OAS(again, I will edit to put links in but I don't know if they will work) about whether or not knowing that the birth mom of your adopted child, her feelings, makes it harder or easier to be happy about parenting said adopted child. This is something I worry about often. To tell you the truth, I dearly hope that when Laurie looks at Parker, she doesn't think about me. I don't want her to think about me, I want her to be thinking about Parker, and how best to parent him, not that he has my shape of nose or color of eyes, or even that (to my chagrin) he has some of my personality traits. It actually bothers me when I read stories about adoptive parents (moms in particular) who say things like 'she's moving on so I don't have to worry that I am causing her grief by parenting her child' At the same time, I do want adoptive parents to know that life isn't often good for birth families after placing a child. I know that it's natural for adoptive parents to feel a little guilty for taking advantage another person bad fortune or bad life choices, I mean, I know they're only human. My qualm is that why should what is going on with the adults have any affect on innocent children. I mean, I know I placed Parker to protect him from my depression and the poor decisions of Jacob and also my own family(most of the time my family is OK, but honestly, too many of them smoke and spend money they don't have). I mean, I want Laurie to know these things, but not dwell on them at all. I am over-thinking it all, I know. I always do this. I wonder if the fact that I work in a dead end job, live at my moms house, and have no social life will make Parker think I'm a bad person, because I feel like one often. I know that Laurie, or even James(adoptive parents of Parker) would never say anything bad about me to Parker, but actions, and attitude say much more than words ever could. What I really want is for adoptive parents to know about the grief that birth families go through and for that to spur them on to love even more and parent with even more devotion than if they did not know. What I don't want is for adoptive parents, moms especially, to feel like they shouldn't have to right to parent because they're act of parenting is hurting people, because it's not. Yes, the loss of parenting, for a birth mom, is something she will grieve, as the whole birth family will grieve the absence of the one that is now adopted, but the hesitation in parenting would only make that grief worse. It's on of my biggest pet peeves, I hate hesitation where permission is clearly given(or hesitation at all, seriously, it's really annoying).