Monday, November 4, 2013

My Melancholy

There are probably many people who would disagree with me but I know I have depression.
I believe I've felt depressed almost my whole life. Probably because my mom and I didn't bond well at birth or something or I was just born with a chemical make up that makes me feel like killing myself often.

Honestly it's a miracle that I don't jump in front of a train or try too everyday, because I often feel like I should. I feel guilty for existing because when I really think about it, there is noone that really cares about me.
I mean there are bunches of people who sort of care about me and would be hurt if I did actually kill myself.

Also angels hold me back from doing it. God gave me life, I gave my life to God in faith and I doubt that I have the power to override God's will and His will is for me to be alive and effect the world around me.
Well, at least be someone who doesn't make anyone's life harder for being around. At least I hope not.

I have a right to my feelings. Even when I feel the negative messages overwhelming me about how imperfect I am and how rude I am and how I am ugly and so on and so on.

Recently I wrote a poem for my experience at YMCA and the fitness instructor hasn't emailed me back so now I'm totally second-guessing my decision to even write a poem. I really kind of like it. I changed it a bit and I worry that it's really weird and that it will be seen as stupid. All because she didn't email me back yet. But it's only been a few hours. Seriously, she probably has a ton of email. She probably hasn't even looked at her messages since I sent that poem to her.

Maybe it would be for the best if she didn't post it or like it. Other people are probably more 'inspiring' than I am...
This is my struggle. I feel like I'm worthless even when people tell me I'm not. I can't even believe them.
I'm glad I have faith. I know God meant to make me and I have to focus on how perfect God's love for me is not because I'm perfect but because He is.