Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My Facebook 'Rules' or whatever

I am quite private about my Facebook account and I believe it is the right thing to do.
My account is for me, and I should do what is best for me concerning it, and not what others might think is nicer or something.
I know I might come off as a horrible person for all the ways that I censer my online accounts, but I think it just me being as responsible as I can about how I handle things that can be dangerous or unpredictable.
I like to avoid risk wherever possible and protect what I care about from the slightest harm in whatever way I can.
I am going to present to you my 'Rules' for my Facebook account, and also my other rules for general internet stuff.
1. I decided to stop adding people, but if I add someone, it is a trail run to see if you do anything that is useful to me or if you just do things that are annoying and useless, or worse.
-'sharing' every single move you make on stupid games
-promoting something commercial, a band, a show, anything that makes money
-bad grammar
-copious amounts of bad pictures
-status updates that don't make any sense
-friending me but then not responding to my messages or inviting me to anything happening in your life
-having a fake name
-a profile picture that is not your face(and your face ALONE)
- any kind of spam, or invite that leads to a customer survey that needs a cell number(I don't have a cell phone and I'll never get one!!)
-unrelated comments on a status or picture, I mean comments that are not about either the status or the picture
2. The above annoyances are all reasons why I have unfriended people in the past, and might do so in the future. Of course I make allowances for certain people, like my niece who is actually far far FAR too young to actually be on the site, but I guess my sister doesn't care about age restrictions when it comes to her daughter. That's nothing new in the world, the whole world doesn't follow age restrictions on things if they can't be caught or punished. It's really stupid, but nothing I can do about their decisions.
So, in short, rule 2 is that I will un friend you if you are not a part of my REAL life and you do the annoying things for more than a month or so. If you're in my real life, and you do annoying things, sometimes you are the exception, but sometimes you are not.
3. For myself, I use the privacy setting to the max and when I upload a bunch of pictures, especially if they are of Parker, I private them for only five people usually.
Currently, I am comfortable with having 10 people on my list, and I added my auntie Lorna just a week ago because of my Grandpa dieing and all, I will probably remove her soon because she does the annoying things. Also, I don't think she knows about Parker and I'm pretty sure I don't want her too know.
Mostly because I can't know who she will tell and how she will tell them.
My rules are mostly about keeping the facts about Parker safe, I don't want gossip spreading through my extended family about him. I don't know what they will say exactly, but I know that it could turn into something I don't like or something that doesn't sound like the truth. I just can't risk that happening.
4.When I make something public, I try and make it something that I believe with all my heart that everyone will benefit from, like my Bible study. I'm a christian, and I like witnessing in whatever way I can. I don't have the courage to tell people about the Bible face to face, but on Facebook, I share a unique part of the Bible every day. It's not repetitive like the horoscopes or those other Facebook memes about 'encouraging phrases' or anything because the Bible is a resource that can never sound trite like those can.
So I only post things that I enjoy immensely myself, occasionally a funny video or pretty song, but not much more than that, and I hope that others can follow my example and not post for posting sake but posting only what really matters and stuff, ya know?
This is all I can think of for now about Facebook, now I will tell you what I do for other internet stuff.
If it is a forum, I try to only contribute or post when I really have something important to say, or feel like I have something important to say, or I am just utterly compelled by mysteries forces to respond somehow.
It's probably a introvert thing, but I wish it was an everybody thing. I get so frustrated with the nothingness of some of the things I see on the internet when I am trying to find things that really teach me something good.
I get that sometimes you just want to 'connect' but I think that would happen better if people put more thought into what they put out there for the internet to see.
Anyways, that's all for now. This is totally rough, and I might change it, but I'll just go ahead and publish it now to see if I get any thoughtful responses and stuff. OK?


I was thinking about how I forgot to write about the things I need my the people on my Facebook list to actually do, or things that I really really really WANT them to do anyways.
1. Make status updates about what is really happening in your life, your thoughts, your feelings, things that are actually happening. For example: 'Car broke down' or 'I love coffee' or 'Got a new job' or 'It's a girl!' ...
... that kind of thing is great, and I really do want to know what is really happening in the lives of people I have on my list, otherwise, I wouldn't have added them.
2.Post good pictures of things that happen or places that are unique.
For example, if a sudden snow storm happened, take a picture of how your street looks.
OR, if you just had a new baby, I for sure want to see that, also any pictures of your kids doing new and fun things, I care about not only Parker, but my nieces, nephew, and my friends kids are just as special as family to me, I want to see the neat things kids do, that is always great, but make sure they are good pictures.
There's little point to posting pictures where I can't really see what is going on or who is in the picture if it's out of focus, or out of context or really distorted somehow.
3.Message me back, be a part of my real life, call me on the phone if I give you my number.
If you make an 'event' invite me, I will probably come to it if you give me at least a week notice.
It is very disheartening to see and 'event' posted just hours before it happens or even, the day after see activity on an 'event' of a friend that I was not even invited too. If you are on my list, you are really important to me, and I want to be just as important to you. Invite me to your events, even if you think I can't go.
4. Link things that are interesting and important, things that matter to the world at large.
I am counting on you to help keep in informed about the world, that's another reason you're important to me!
That's all I can think of for now. I hope you liked this edit! 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Life as I know it

It's been a week since my Grandpa funeral and all of the hoopla about that trip to Winnipeg and back.
Lucy was great, she seemed super excited to see us, or at least, have her food bowl refilled. I got some chocolates for my neighbor who apparently took care of the litter and might have even vacuumed a little or something. I honestly hadn't seen her since I gave her the keys the evening before the morning we left but even when we got back, I had to get my keys from her daughter and give the chocolates to her. I waited and waited for them to come home. I don't know where they went. I worries me that she could have handed off the responsibility to another neighbor that my mom and I don't trust. She's just a really overly trusting kind of lady, very nice, but I think she might almost be too nice. Well, I've had my keys back and my cat and the house were fine, totally and completely.

 Even though it felt really weird just trying to go back to normal. I really thought 'wow, I dodged a bullet! No ill affects from traveling at all!' Then I woke up on Monday with the worst head cold I have ever felt. I was mad, because I know all my moms coughing and sneezing on me is what has made me sick. I hate being sick, it's just so annoying. Anyways, I worked through the sickness for three whole days, as my symptoms got a little better on Wednesday only to get even worse with coughing on Thursday. Coming home that evening I decided that if I didn't get a good nights sleep, I would call in the next day(Friday). I had seen the schedule and I knew that they had more than enough people. Also, I was so sick I could barely make it home. I had to take a cab, and I really can't afford these things, but you do what you have to to survive. That night I was miserable, I don't think I slept for longer than 20 minutes at a time between the pain in my head and the pain in my chest and the struggle to breathe. Nothing seems to help, but I am a little better now.

Even though I called in early, for some strange reason, one of my supervisors called me at around noon yesterday, offering me a shift today to make up hours, if I felt up to it. At the time, I didn't(and don't) see how I could have felt well enough to work, but I did try calling again today, to see if the offer still stood.
It didn't which is OK, I am not well enough even now to work, I don't think. Not so bad as on Thursday, but still not feeling like I'm ever going to be well.
Why does every sickness make you feel like you are surely going to die, when that it probably not likely.
Also, why does everyone ask you if you have been to the doctors right after you tell them you're too dizzy to walk up the stairs??
To me going to the doctor about a cold or a flu is like getting a mechanic to change your tires.
I mean, that's probably something you can take care of yourself, right.
IDK, I don't drive or own a car. Going to the doctors at this point, for me, would involve traveling for at least 30 minutes, waiting at least 5-8 hours in a waiting room full of sicker people and less sicker people that I might infect with my current sickness, and I would rather spend that time in my bed, or at home, resting, doing as little as possible. Hoping that breathing will soon become easier.

I don't know why people have so little mercy for me, asking me to work when I already called in sick.
I have only called in sick about half a dozen times IN MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE to work, and that's over 15 years now.
Some people see me as so reliable, they just can't seem to believe it when something about me doesn't work. What people don't know is that I go around in immense pain and discomfort for as long as I can stand it, and still do everything I am supposed to do, but at certain point, it becomes to much. I'm getting too old to care about missing a few shifts. Life is worth more than money. I know God will provide what I need.
I feel guilty about being sick, yes, I should have taken more vitamins and stuff to avoid this, or not traveled with my mom or something, at the time, I thought I had no other choice. Now I am paying for my willingness to be near to others.
Being social makes you sick. I know that if you know me you are gonna think that I come into contact with many people as a cashier, but honestly, that's for about 2 minutes and I rarely have to touch them or allow them more than an arms length distance. The counter prevents close contact, so my job will never make me sick. It's extended time with people who have colds and stuff that want me to kiss their cheeks and hug them closely, that's what gets me sick! I do care about people, I always want to know about peoples lives and their thoughts and everything, I just don't want anyone to touch me or have to touch anyone.
I know I'll just get sick like I am now, and be sorry that I allowed anyone to touch me at all...

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Going home now

Hey there, so here I am at the Winnipeg airport and I only have few minutes before I have to get on the plane, also, my battery might not last and the only plug I can find is 20 feet away from where I am sitting, and there is no seat by it at all. I think I might not be allowed to use it anyways.
So, the funeral was OK, a bit clumsy at time with words, but we did OK.
My brother was being a jerk to me yesterday when I was at the Starbucks Safeway. I guess I took my privilege of going there a little too far and because I took the key it made him very mad.
He just has to be in control and somehow have the upper hand in things, small things, like the remote or even my every move, and my sister and mom kind of just joined in the meanness of him. They get all change of mood and nice to me again when our other relatives have been visiting. There was a ton of visiting with my aunts and uncles, I really enjoyed their company, no matter the reason being my Grandpa death. There were many times of confusion that seemed scary and worrisome to me. I tried not to let it hurt my feelings, but it was hard for me. I know that offense was not meant, except my brother, and my sister and mom don't appose him and his meanness toward me because they don't want to be the object of it. I feel although, like I am the lesser person out of all the family. The least favored, but some of my cousins really encouraged me in small joking ways that were very helpful. I want to remember all the things. The fact that my Grandma remembers my birthday, that my Uncle David played with fire and that's why some of his face doesn't move the same way(Although, he doesn't look burned to me, at all, maybe because it happened when he was very very young). The lovely gorgeous cousins that were adopted from Haiti that are so very wonderful and I just have even more love for them now that I have actually met them, instead of just seeing pictures and hearing stories for others. I didn't really connect with the cousins my age, or within a decade or so, I don't really know why, but I always feel like people my age don't really connect with me, so that is nothing new. I think I should pack up the laptop now, we probably have five more minutes or so, but we'll have to wait for boarding still, and I am sitting not ten feet from our gate. My mom and I have got along OK, we even had to sleep together, which was more comfortable than I expected, it was a very big air mattress, and we had alot of blankets and such. The air mattress really didn't stay inflated very long, but when you are tired enough, it really doesn't matter anymore, all that matters is that you get to sleep, and we did. My sister and brother are still there, at that apartment, so if I left anything behind, I am sure that they will make sure to tell me. I don't think I did, but anything is possible. I really have to go now.

Friday, May 18, 2012

From Winnipeg

Hey there! I am here in Winnipeg for my Grandpas funeral, which is today, and I am at the Safeway Starbucks across the street from the apartment where I, and my mom, and my sister, and my brother, are all staying right now. It is my Grandpa's apartment, the very one he died in. Which should be creepy, but for some reason, it doesn't feel that way for us, or me at least. The funeral is at about noon, so I have about two or three hours to waste and I pilfered the keys so I don't have to depend on my family to let me back into the apartment.
I really felt the need to watch my usual slew of YouTube videos that are newsy and a little entertaining, unlike much of the local news and stuff that my brother Mike and my sister Lydia are watching.
So far, things are not too bad, I am still very sore from this very long(2 hour) walk we took back from visiting my Grandma at the nursing home, but I think I will be OK.
The flight here was weirdly OK for me, and for my mom, it was not, which was really weird because she's the one who has taken way more plane rides than I have. Although, the plane was just weird in general because you know, I was really really aware that we were traveling in a tin tube, but it never really felt like we were really in the air because the seats we got, at the wings, don't have windows, and the other windows on this plane, well... they were really small and I think I people thought I was rude for trying to look out their windows. Too funny, I know. My mom watched a movie that I have yet to finish reading the book for, and annoyed me the whole way by trying to call my attention to the movie, because she somehow forgot that I was trying to read and I didn't want to see the movie before finishing the book for it. The book I was reading was not the one for this movie, but a book that I so am going to read all the sequels too for sure. I need imaginary worlds to keep me sane, real life is often such a drain my mental resources, I need distractions as a reprieve so I have the strength to handle real life, emotionally and mentally that is. The visit with my Grandma was awkward and good at the same time, as visiting with elderly family often is when they have trouble understanding others. My Grandma is just hard of hearing though, I am pretty sure her mind is sharp because she knew me at first sight, and she hasn't seen me for 11 years. She knew all the names of every grandchild and family member in every picture that they have on a nice picture board in her room. She also seem to like talking about the other residents of the home with us, after a little while. It took her about 20 minutes to really start talking with us and most of the time, any misunderstanding on her part is because she can't hear good, and even the strongest hearing aids are not working, she doesn't like wearing them anyways because they are uncomfortable. The other residents of the nursing home were very entertaining at certain points. Several elderly men seem to flirt with my Grandma, it's hilarious. Also, the one that my Grandma pointed said something about her 'needing to go to church' and other such comments, we saw that lady try to escape from the home, only to have five carers come and bring her back, kicking and swearing like a five year old the whole time. I am glad to see that the nursing home, while being like a hospital in many ways, also tries to be proactive with a schedule of activities like 'Pub Night' (which was really just pop and junk food with singing of old songs) and very interesting names for the part of the place to make every room seem like a real 'address'. My Grandma lives at 332 Eagle Place, BTW(in the nursing home, who's name I can't remember) .
I'm still worrying about Lucy, and I really hope she is OK and everything. Nothing I can do about having to leave her alone for so long, but my neighbor should be by soon, I hope.
I should probably get back to the apartment, but I have the keys, so it's not like they (my family) can leave or anything. I can't believe how little sleep I am surviving on. I slept without moving on the air mattress that I had to share with my mom, who apparently has a really bad cold. My sore tooth is not too bad today, maybe the pain will just go away on it's own. I know, I need to see a dentist, and I will, really I will!
I love it here at the Safeway Starbucks and really just want to read a book for a while. Or at least an hour.
I hope the funeral goes OK and that my mom actually slept or something. I know I did, even with my burning painful soreness from all the walking we did to get back from the nursing home.
We went there by taxi, to get there before visiting hours were over, but then my mom decided we should walk back because getting another taxi would be too expensive. Hey though, we are saving a bunch of money by staying at the apartment, honestly, the rent has already been paid for the month, someone should stay there, really, it would be stupid to stay at a hotel now.
Oh, and my aunties had no interest in putting us up in their homes, they seem annoyed with the fact that we came, but willing to at least drive us from and too the airport. Well, they have lives and I guess the death of their Dad is a really annoying interruption, that they just want to get through and be done with. I don't really know. That's all I can say for now!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What's happening

My mom and I are going to go to my Grandpa funeral on Friday, it's in Winnipeg and we live in Calgary, so the fastest way to is fly of course. I have not been on a plane since I was eight years old. I mean, literally, on my
8th birthday(BTW, my birthday is the 23 of this month) I got on a plane to go to Winnipeg for the first time.

I remember I was in horrible pain for at least the first while. Nothing helped, believe me, I thought my head was going to explode that day. I also remember I got the 'treat' of going into the pilots room place(what do they call that place again?) and that was terrifying as well because even though it was probably totally safe, I had this overwhelming fear that I would accidentally crash the plane if I touched a switch or something. 
That was the first time I saw a room just covered with switches and stuff everywhere. It really overwhelmed me. My siblings loved it, at the time, but all I remember as my eight year old self was holding my hands together behind my back so hard that I was hurting myself a little. Although, and interesting thing for a kid to see for sure.

Now as a adult I don't think I'll accidentally crash the plane or anything. I'm just annoyed that apparently I can't bring a bottle of water with me. Oh well, it's only gonna be a hour and a half flight. I am more worried about what will happen when we get there. I really hope that I don't have to spend the majority of my time alone, with my mom. I want to be with my other relatives, because my mom is being very frustrating and ruining everything for everyone, all the time. I mean, my favorite aunt offered her home for us(my mom and I) but my mom didn't take her up on it, and said she would stay in my Grandpa apartment, yeah, the place he just died in. So now we have to sleep where my dead Grandpas body was because my mom RUINS EVERYTHING with her indecision. My sister and my brother are going to travel by bus and hopefully, they will end up in Winnipeg about the same time as we are going to be there.
I really just hope that there is WiFi near Grandpa apartment, or that we actually get to stay with my favorite Aunt. I know I just have to pray, and that people who care about me are praying that thing will be OK.

I'm the kind of person that likes to know exactly what is going to happen. My mom is the kind of person who takes forever to decide things, especially if they make her uncomfortable, and then complains or blames others for missed opportunities. It's the little things that bother me about my mom, like when we are both planning on watching a certain show, and are waiting for the time, and then she hesitates HESITATES to change the channel to the right one, for almost two or three minutes, and that is terrible because nowadays the first two or three minutes tell you EVERYTHING about the show that will make it make sense.
My mom doesn't seem to care if things make sense though, she just likes to ignore or worse, ask why things don't make sense over and over without actually trying to listen and watch and make sense of them herself!
I think she's a lost cause honestly, so I try my best to help her and be patient, but it takes most of my energy to get along with her. That's why I hope that I get to see others, besides her. I mean, I do get along with most other people fairly well, and others are kinder to me than her.
I was packing yesterday and my mom made fun of the fact that I packed a bunch of black clothes she asked me why, and I told her, well... we're going to a funeral??
She also doesn't understand my sleeping needs. I sleep with a large bear(who used to be white) and I am not going to take it with me, I am going to take with me my Dragon(you know, from Shrek) which is a smaller plush animal to comfort and cushion me in my sleep. I need so much to feel comfortable enough to sleep. If I had my way, I would never sleep in any place other than a place I was well familiar with.
But, at least my mom accepts me in some ways more than others. I mean I have a good place to live and at least I know that my mom, even though she annoys me, will never really neglect to see that I get the basics that I need. She is not malicious in her attitudes and actions, just ignorant and unaware of the consequences, like a child or a elderly person. Well technically ,she's a senior at some restaurants and places....
Anyways, I've ranted enough, I don't know how this whole thing is going to work out, but I know that God knows all the details already and everything will probably be OK and work out somehow.
I hope I survive it all.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

In Memory Of

 Sometime in the afternoon yesterday, my only living Grampa was found dead in his bed. He was 81, he had suffered many things in his life, included a brain tumor, strokes, broken bones, and various other medical conditions that did not get managed very well because well, being a man, he didn't really want to tell the doctors about every little pain or problem. He really had many people fooled into thinking he was healthy enough to live at least another five years or so, that's what I thought, and I think that's what his doctors though, as long as the medicine worked the way it should. I guess something didn't actually work and that's why, after his daily visit with his wife, and some shopping, he went for a nap, and didn't wake up and when he didn't show up for a visit with some of my uncles, they went to see him at his apartment, and found him dead there.
For the last year or so, he had been living alone, which means he died alone, even though he was still married to his wife, my Grandma, who is in a nursing home. She is 87, in my mind, she is far weaker than her husband was, but she lives because she is willing to get more medical support.
Well, it's not like she has much choice, she suffers from some dementia, which worries me now, will she really be able to understand that her husband is gone, and that she shouldn't expect to see him everyday for lunch, as she has since she has been living at the nursing home? 
I am still thinking about whether or not I should go to the funeral. It would be a plane ticket that would cost me a whole pay check, but I have paid off a fair amount of my credit card debt that I could technically afford to go.
I just am not sure that I should, there are other things that would be complicated, for example, I need a cat sitter for Lucy if we are going to be there for more than a day.
Honestly, I wish I could convince my mom to only go there for a day, it could be done.
She thinks it's too tiring, and I think staying anywhere for sleep other than my own bed is torture.
I have never really been able to sleep in unfamiliar places, at least not well.
It would really be only a hour plane trip, and go there and back in a day, it could be done!

But I sound like a horrible person, trying to limit the time I spend mourning my Grampa.
I just am in a little bit of denial right now. My sisters have already posted about their memories of him on FB, but I hesitate, I mean, I remember good things about my Grampa, the fact that he drove his car, right up until the last day, and he was a pretty good driver actually.
He was the kind of old guy that would talk so much and never let you get a word in edge wise, but his opinions were interesting sometimes and he did have some interesting stories to tell.
I probably should have tried to listen more when I had the chance, I just never had the patience.
He did nice things for myself and my siblings, took us to pet stores like they were the Zoo, it was fun.
He walked my sister down the aisle at her wedding, he took an interest in his great-grand-daughters(my nieces) and seemed to enjoy watching them play the few times that they were able to visit.
He never met, or knew anything about (to my knowledge) about Parker, he never met his nephew either.
I guess everyone will miss out on things that would have been to to know.
Of both sets of Grandparents, my moms parents(the ones I am referring to this whole time) were always the ones most interested and involved in the life of my family after we moved so far away from where my mom was born and where they were born.
My mom is the oldest of 8 so she has to be there. The biggest thing that is bothering me right now is that my mom isn't willing to ask her siblings if she can stay with them. Well, really only three of them live with their families close to the city where the funeral will be, but my mom thinks it's too much of a bother to ask them if she can stay with them. That just seems so stupid to me. They should be offering, why they haven't I really do not know. It's part of the fact that we have become so removed from them, being so far away.
How do families stay close when everyone moves so far away from each other?
Is it really just funerals that make everyone come together?
I don't even know if any of the cousins will be there, and if they are, what will there reaction be to me.
Really, I shouldn't think about that, I should just be thinking about the fact that my Grandpa really died.
It's hard for me to really believe it, also, I'm slightly annoyed that this happened now, on Mother's Day weekend. Way to put a damper on things. I am just so worn out by life now, I don't feel well.

Friday, May 11, 2012

I wish I could relate

Lately I have come across people who have tragic stories of birth.
Being that Mother's Day is coming up, I've again been reminded about my own experiences and how they compare to others I have learned about.
I honestly feel totally guilty that it was so easy for me, easy to give birth, easy to make the decision.
I mean, I knew it was a big decision and all, and I did have my days of crushing sadness, but my sadness was more about how Jacob couldn't love me enough to devout his life to me, well, he didn't really love me at all, I think, which hurts most of all.
My biggest problem in life is that people can't hardly care about me, I mean, some do, but usually those people are the kind of people who care about people in general more than most.
It always hurts to know that the average person doesn't want to care about me.
Their actions always prove it. It was never the idea that I was losing motherhood or anything else in life that ever bothered me more than thinking people cared about me, feeling like they care about me, and then learning that it was all a lie and having them totally reject me from their lives at a moments notice, or even after a few weeks or months of strained interaction where I am totally confused by their attitudes.
I know I'm the one that probably did or do something to make people aware that they suddenly can't take trying to pretend that they care. Honestly, it's like they think I'm the kind of person that they would usually care about, and then when they figure out the person I really am, they hate me, and probably think I know why, I don't.

Anyways, this is not what I wanted to write about, I wanted to tell you about my birth story.
I mean, well, because I have heard a few, and I can relate to none of them, not even a little.
My story of labor and delivery is very straight forward, and I always want to add the details that probably not a single person in the world really wants to know.
Honestly, I can't even relate to other stories of pregnancy because my pregnancy was so easy.
Maybe it's just that the people who have had the worst experiences are the ones that like talking about them more, or feel the need to talk about them more. Ones like mine, where things were really mostly good, are silly and boring. People don't want to hear about how my labor progressed rapidly and how I was treated mostly good at the hospital. I think they like the dramatic details of a more risky situation in a story.
The only thing risky about my story is that I torn a little more on the inside, during my last two pushes to get Parker out of me, than I should have, but they totally sewed me up pretty good(even though, those stitches did get infected a week later, but I got the medicine, it worked)
I mean, I wish I could relate to having cravings during my pregnancy when all I had was an aversion to the smell of meat, I still wanted to eat meat. My only craving was being more hungry than usual.
I keep hearing stories from woman about getting diabetes and intolerance for lactose and gluten, and none of that happened for me, I feel guilty about that, as if I should be so lucky to be healthy, to have so little problems. I mean, I think I deserve all the pain and suffering I have heard about, I think I could bare it a little better than them. Not trying to brag, I think it's just reality.
It seems that the people who love the most, suffer the most, I don't love enough, so I don't suffer enough.
I just can't muster the mushy-mushy like the whole world seems to endorse.
I mean, I am intensely loyal and I DO love people, just not in the way they expect.
I wish I could relate because I wish I could understand why these things happen.
Why did I experience such an easy birth and have such a easy time with letting Parker go?
Why didn't I have the fun of cravings, and all that weird stuff about feeling the baby roll around inside you?
That's a thing I wonder about, I barely felt Parker inside me when I was pregnant, except for a couple of times when there was a loud sound and he literally kicked the breath out of me from the inside, and that didn't feel good. Most of the rare movement I had felt from him, while he was forming inside me, was painful, literally, it did not feel like an of this 'gentle rolling' I heard about. It felt like something trying to break out of me, like the sharp finger pokes my brother used to do to my rib, when we were kids, as some kind of way of 'tickling' me, but it didn't tickle, it hurt, and I had bruises (not from Parker, from my brother) 

I can't write much longer, and much of this does not make sense. I just feel completely invalid because my life experience of similar things never matches up with others and it probably should, just a little bit.
It's sort of like going to a restaurant where you get really good service and you love it so so so much, then you come across people who have nothing good to say about the restaurant that you love.
Makes me think, why did I have good experience, and others, went the same place, in the same way, and did NOT have a good experience? What about me, or what I did, made it work out so well for me, but not for most others?
I guess I also wonder how so many people that are uglier and meaner than me can find marriage partners.
What did they do that I didn't? I probably will never know.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Can you handle the truth?

The Open Adoption Roundtable  is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers  to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Mother’s Day is coming soon in many countries, and the intersection of adoption and that holiday can stir up a lot of different emotions.

Write to someone else in the adoption constellation (someone specific or a general group). What do you want to say to them on Mother’s Day?

Hey world at large that is aware that what a birth mom is.

Don't feel sorry for me, I don't need your pity.
I know it should be a big deal for me, but it's mostly just another day, like my birthday.
I really just want to forget that it's happening, or at the very least, feel like a decent person for buying dinner and a card with flowers for my mom.
Of all holidays, I think it is the most emotional and most pointless at the same time.
I mean, I know it's meant to honor moms and stuff, and that's nice, but I know I will always feel like a horrible person when I think about it because I am not actually, physically, parenting Parker.
I mean, besides treating my mom to dinner, buying cards for my sister and my friend Kyla
it's mostly just a day where I feel like crap because I can't do anything.
What I mean is, I can't 'mom' Parker, even if I could, for one day, it wouldn't be the same as being his mom.
That's what I mean by pointless, to me, if I can't physically do something that mimics what all the commercials show, I feel like a failure as a human being.
Don't rub it in by acting like you know what it feels like, for the most part I feel fine up until you remind me that I'm a horrible person for not actually parenting my son, even when (or especially when) you tell me it was 'a good choice' cause after that I would feel even more like a failure as a human being.
I just want to go on pretending that I'm normal.


I get all teary eyed when I see all the commercials where mom's are shown being moms and all.
That just reminds me of how disconnected I am to you, even though currently, I live with you.
All those things about moms being there and stuff, I can't relate, I mean, you gave me the basics, food and shelter and clothing, but anything else, like emotional support or encouragement, no, never, just critical words and constant badgering about being weak if I showed emotion, or you pretend that emotions never happened. Which is mostly fine, I'm used to it, really. We only get along if I constantly treat you like you are the bee-knees, and I try to be respectful, honestly, it's hard when it's not shown to you in return though. I know you are not capable of treating me like a human being though, the best I can hope for is that you treat me like you treat a pet, even Lucy gets more love from you, and she's a cat. With you Mother's Day is always a test of will-you-be-pleased-even-to-be-in-a-good-mood and it rivals your birthday, which is next month because if we(my siblings and I) don't please you, you damn us to Hell with specific parts of the Bible.
Although, you have mellowed with time, you often get tried which is the same thing as being in a good mood for me because you at least accept my gifts and such and actually say thank you. And it was nice, that first Mother's Day, that you gave me a card. Of course, you don't think I'm a real mom now, but that first year, you thought for sure I would change my mind, I know, but even though I have regrets, I know that Parker is... dare I say it .. better off without me as his mom.

Laurie (Parker's adoptive mom)

I really do want you to enjoy being Parker's mom, and I have no idea whether or not you think about me, but I doubt it. I want to send you a gift, a card, I have wanted to every year, but your husband rolled his eyes and poo-pooed the idea in that first visit we had. I don't know if you caught it, but it made me feel really stupid for wanting to send you a simple card so much so that I didn't have the courage to ask if I could do it again, or even send you another card. That first one was Jacob's idea, I just signed it too. You never remarked on that card, I have no idea whether or not your really got it(Jacob mailed it, not me).
I know you're busy, but I will always wish I could call you on Mother's Day, hear how things are, and wish you a great day. You're doing a great job with your kids, they are so amazing. Whenever I see pictures of Parker, I really can't believe he could possibly be the same baby I gave birth too. He really looks more yours than anything else. Also, don't worry about me, or think that I must be grieving especially, I think of Parker all the time, what the calendar says doesn't matter at all to me, it's only the fact that sometimes there are too many reminders that Parker can't be in my everyday life that make it hard sometimes.
If only we were closer, and I could visit more casually, like I do my nieces and nephew, then I wouldn't feel so horrible for being excluded. Often, being excluded means that you are the bad one, the one that isn't welcome, and I hate that feeling. If only you could include me a little more, I wouldn't intrude. I just wish I could experience the togetherness of the times you have with the other moms, the soccer games, the scrap booking. I wish I could be there, even only once, or once a few years. It would be so cool to be in your crowd. I know, it's inappropriate, and I'm sorry. Don't worry, I will never challenge your parenting, even though I sometimes think you could be a little more stern, but then I think I'm glad you're not and you let Parker be himself. Also, I love you. I really do. And I know you know that I will always love Parker.


You are cruel and amazing at the same time. You know exactly what people want to see and hear, but you don't have cards about birth moms, or even adopted children to their birth moms or to their adoptive moms. Is it really not worth it for you to try something new? Apparently not.

Here are the other posts I did for this for this discussion group about visiting agreements and grandmas

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Do I belong

Most of my life I have usually had this feeling that I am an impostor, that I should not be allowed to be wherever I am or anything.
I think it's because my personality is so rare, and I'm not trying to compliment myself there, it's just the truth.
Only my Dad, maybe, had the same kind of personality as I do, and he had very few friends.
Mostly because he never when out of his way to make friends or made any special effort to empress anyone.
Well, maybe sometimes, but it was usually the kind of practical things that I do that get disrespected.
Like the time he bought my mom a much bigger casserole dish because he broke one while trying to make a meal in it for her. He had no way of knowing that it would be too big to put in the cupboard or that my mom liked to use that other casserole dish in the microwave which made being smaller dish, easier. So that, that didn't work out for him, and the same kind of thing happens to me all the time as well.
At work, when I do things a little bit better than others, they don't like me because of that, even if I make efforts to do things a little worse than others, they don't like that either, I can't win.

I have a confession to make, I am sort of part of this 'nerd' movement because I watch certain You tubers and I love science and reading. Anyways, this group is having a 'event' and I went to a meet-up like this once before, and it was... OK..I mean it was exhausting because they are all very young, and I am well... not so young anymore.
I guess I think it will be even more awkward this time, if I go, because I've been watching their vlogs for a year now. It's always just weird, telling someone you barely know that your a fan of them, especially when they are really ordinary kids. I mean, they are super smart and everything, yeah, and way more motivated in general that I can ever imagine being. I just worry that I do not fit in with them.
It's the same with me and ANY teenagers. I always instantly feel like at any moment they are all going to turn on me like rabid zombies because I differ from them in so many many ways.
I mean, much of the internet 'communities' depend on people liking the same stuff, and yes, I like many of the things that these kids like, or at least, I am open to learning about the things I do not know about.
But I am not a real 'fan' of most of the things that they are really really into, and I am not willing to force myself to be into the things that they are into, I know many people do this, but I am not willing to change like that just to be friends. I want people to want to be friends with me for who I am regardless of whether or not I like the ALL the same things as they do. Actually I like being friends with people who have completely different interests than me, being friends with people who only like what I like can be boring because I'm not learning anything new, and I like learning new things. I want my mind to be blown. Really I do.
I mean currently, I am a mad fan of this show called 'Grimm' but I doubt that any of these kids are into it like I am.
Often from what I have watched and enjoy, much of the 'nerd' movement is about getting people, and mostly young kids, to read, to want to learn, that kind of thing, which is really great, I love that, but I am not the one that needs to be told to read, or have learning promoted to me, I already want to read, and to learn.
One of my biggest pet-peeves about these online communities is that they take things too seriously.
For example, if a certain book is promoted, it becomes the only book to read, and any other suggestions are taken as insults. I know that the people promoting certain books don't mean it like that, they do want people to read, just in general, but for people that have no idea what to read, they suggest something.
For me, I rarely read books that are suggested to me, I just don't like being told what to do.
Also, I am always in the process of reading at least two or three books and I am always curious, I don't have to be reminded to be curious, never, not ever. It makes me angry when people think that I do, just because I am part of a movement that encourages being smart, I am not one that needs to be convinced.
It's my personality, when people who are not paying me tell me 'do this, then that and that's how you be 'yourself'' it makes me angry and I won't do anything. I mean, if it's a job, that's different, and I will do anything that seems reasonable for the short time that I am obligated too, but to be asked to take on a whole different personality, as something that is supposed to be my 'true self' I won't let them do that.
I know they mean well, they are trying to encourage people who would otherwise not be interested in reading or learning to be interested and stuff.
I guess it's like Christianity in a way when people tell people that they need to do certain things and be like the group in certain ways, that has always bothered me too, because I have my own way of loving God and being devoted to my faith, and I know certain practices are needed, and I do them, I don't need to be told too, but I know that others do need that.
I need to show more mercy, people don't know that I am the exception, they don't even want me to be the exception. People are so very narrow minded these days, that's why I don't want to hang out with them.
They don't even realize they are being narrow minded when they make fun of a street person, or when they shy away from someone who doesn't act exactly like them or dress like them, that kind of thing.
I know they want to be open minded, but sometimes, they just are limited and don't even know it themselves.
It's snowing, so I probably won't go to the meet-up. It's too far away anyways, in a big mall in the south of my city, I am in the far north, it's too far.
I have to return some movies I didn't even get around to watching to the library closer to me anyways.
That will take all my free time. I'm too tired and stressed thinking about hanging out with more people than I can handle being around. I'd rather just read and be at home with my sweet kitty-cat.
She loves me for who I am, and always will, as long as I feed her.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Why pay more, just to be 'cool'?

I have decided to only post when I really really feel like it.

All my life I have mostly lived on second hand things and lived in the 'poorer' places of the city and such.
Last Saturday I went with my mom to a rummage sale at a community center and I found some interesting things.
I have found that many of my teen-aged  co-workers despise anything that is second hand.
To many of them, even getting books from the library is 'gross'.
It is my opinion that the stuff you buy 'new' has be touched by just as many people, maybe more, as stuff that is not new.
I know that people I regard in high esteem would wrinkle their noses at going to a community hall and spending some time looking through previously owned goods.
I like what I got. I got a little jewelery music box that is in perfect condition.
It has a light-up gold-colored rose inside and plays 'Fur Elise' very loudly.
It totally scared Lucy, it was hilarious.
This box, cost me 25 cents...CENTS!(even though it still had a sale sticker on it for $3.65)
I also found these really big greeting cards, blank inside, with beautiful painting prints of horses on them(they cost me 10 cents, all 3 of them). I know they would have been over $3 each in a regular store.
I found a very very nice tea pot too, white with pink flowers and gold accents on it, only...25...CENTS!
I also found a weird paper back, that I might not even read, but it was only 10 cents.
And my mom found some nice black jeans for work for just a dollar, as well as some blouses, I think they were only a dollar each too, and they were name brands that I know from my work place!
Nothing wrong with the clothes. I mean, nowadays kids pay big bucks for ripped jeans!!
Can you believe that? It's a style that cost so much and looks TERRIBLE (well, in my opinion)
It was on Saturday that my mom and I also went to the new library that just opened up near my neighborhood, I got four books and two movies, all with just my library card.($12/year)
So... pretty much free(except I forgot my card there and I plan to get it back when I bring the movies back)

When I think of all the stuff that people PAY FOR when they could get it for free, I just don't get it.
That's why shopping like the average person, spending thousands on just a handful of items, I think it's so very stupid. I wish more people would like to shop like I do, in the 'junk' that others throw away.
I mean, if it's dirty, I can wash it, you have to wash 'new' things anyways!
Although, I am a little creeped out by some of the other people who come to the rummage and thrift stores, usually because they are the scary customers I have at my workplace who don't like the prices of things.
I can't change the prices of things in retail stores, and honestly, I think everything is way too expensive too, just knowing that at a rummage sale, that set of dishes that someone bought for 50 bucks, yeah, it's now $5, all of them, well, maybe missing a couple things, but STILL.

The things in life I pay way too much for is usually food, because, even though I think it's too expensive, I get too hungry to care.
BTW, the books I took out from the library are new releases, as in, just came out in stores but I can read the same books people are buyin' for free(sort of) because I have a library card!
I am going to go do that right now, finish reading a really awesome story and make some tea too.
Had to buy my mom more coffee cream, I stole most of hers and she's mad about it, I hope she like the kind I got her.
So... it is really worth it to pay for something, if there is a way to have it almost free?