Friday, April 27, 2012

Forcing myself to write

I feel the need to try and do this everyday because I promised, and I always do almost exactly as I said I would.
Anyways, so I am forcing myself to write even though I really only have about 10 minutes right now before I have to go.
Today I get to do this 'travel survey' of sorts. It's a semi-complicated journal thing with number codes for all the 'activities' and 'means of travel' but I find that it doesn't really take into account that multiple activities can happen at once(eating and watching Youtube, praying(they have a code for 'religious' activity) and reading or what you are doing WHILE you are traveling. So... I think it's not detailed enough, nothing is detailed enough for me though. I always want more and more. But I can't write more. My cat is meowing for no reason, or maybe something, I don't know, and I have to go out in the rain in shoes that are still kind of damp from yesterday when they felt like wet sponges tied to my feet. I need better shoes. I guess you get what you pay for(they only cost $15) with stuff, the plastic rain poncho from the Dollarrama works OK I guess, but the hood is too small and too loose as the same time to keep my face and neck dry from rain. Keeps everything else mostly dry though, soo.... I really gotta go now!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Am I a hipster?

If you are reading this blog often you notice that I missed a day again, oops.
Truth is that I'm getting scared about blogging a little bit because I told someone I know IRL about it.
Also, I've noticed my stats getting higher and I'm not sure where people are all coming from.
Mostly OART and BMB but there are few unknowns for whom the links don't go anywhere.

Something I have been thinking about for a while as I watch copious amounts of You tube vloggers, the ones I have now been watching for about two years, a little more. I mostly watch the learning, and silliness type videos and it seems like it's now the going trend to get or be smart and stuff like that, which I think is good, I mean, I'm not that smart, but I am curious and I have always loved to read and listen to new ideas.
Anyways, what I have been thinking about is how a 'hipster' person is described, I mean, technically I might actually be one, but I think I'm too old to be a hipster.

My opinion is that a hipster is a teenage to very young adult(13-24ish) who wears scarves, knitted hats or wide brimmed hats, skinny jeans(worn to show butt cracks or brightly colored underwear), and a unbuttoned plaid shirt with a tank top or graphic t-shirt under it, oh and army boots or high top running shoes, usually untied. Also they are 'too cool' for anything that is 'main stream'. As well, everything is done 'ironically' whatever that means.

Now, I do not look like that AT ALL but some of the other things that 'hipsters' are supposed to be about are things that can be true for me.
For example, I shop at thrift stores. Actually, most of my life I have hardly ever bought things that are new, not even underwear(nowadays, yes, but when I was a teenager, I wore my moms old underwear, really weird I know, but it was normal for me, and they were CLEAN), I like music that hardly anyone knows about, mostly because it's church music and that is not usually 'mainstream' to like listening to hymns in German and such. Although, I do like other music that is sort of  'underground' mostly from You Tube.
There are some artists that formed a company of their own called DFTBA  
Most of those are the ones I favor, but I do like some others, does that make me a 'hipster'?
I guess because I don't think I am a 'hipster' that makes me one, but I doubt it.
I mean, another thing I have heard that 'hipsters' do is listen to cassette tapes and have old things.
(by old, they usually mean 'something from the 90's) but I have old things because I'm over 30!
I AM old! Well, compared to most of the people on the Internet, yeah, I'm really old.
So... do you think I'm a 'hipster'?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

After the togetherness

The Open Adoption Roundtable  is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers  to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

How do you feel after a visit?

Wow, so this is an incredibly simple question, but kind of loaded at the same time.
As a first (birth) mom I have felt both different and the same after a visit with Parker.

It might help to explain the pattern of most of the visits I have had.
Since Parker was 18 months old visits have usually happened mid-October and any time in February or near February. The reasons are simple, February 17 is Parker birthday, and Canadian Thanksgiving, as well as Laurie's (adoptive mom) birthday is in October. Parkers' adoptive family live a five and a half hour drive from where I live. As well, Lauries family live mostly in my city. Well, they did, I think they are now moving closer to her, which is bad for me because her family is the reason they can come to my city to visit myself and Jacob (who lives with his wife and children in my city as well).
For the past four years they(Parkers adoptive family) have been here to get together with Laurie's family, and while they are here, they throw in a visit with Jacob and I of course.
I feel a little bit differently about the October visits than I do the February ones. For the October visits I don't have to worry about traveling or even booking off work(but I usually book the day of anyways).
For them, all I have to worry about is if they will show up, I mean, they always have, but there's always that fear in me that they might not.
This is supposed to about how I feel AFTER the visit, I am going on to much about the before, so the truth is that after a visit with them in my city, I feel kind of disjointed, like I just woke up from a wonderful dream.
Usually I am wondering to myself if it all really happened and just spending hours starring and starring at the pictures I took. Often I make a call to my friend Kyla, and talk her ears off about it, or I post on a BMB forum about it. Honestly I feel really giddy after a visit in my own city because all the energy I would have used for a five hour trip is somehow filling me with an urge to move, do something, anything.
Now, the out of town visits are a bit more of an ordeal for me because I have to travel with Jacob and his wife and children, which is OK, we get along, it's just taxing because well, it's a five and half hour drive and the children are all under the age of three(yes, three kids under three, yep they planned it that way).
Being around Jacob still makes me feel weird but I do my best to be normal and agreeable.
The trip back home after visiting out of town kind of terrifying because Jacob is a crazy driver at best, and then, of course, he and Tara are tried because when we visit out of town, we don't stay, we are just there for lunch, basically.
Yep, so we drive (and FYI, I cannot drive, I have many reasons) from about 6am, get there at about noon or 1pm, then we head out again at about 5 or 6pm to get home at about 11pm. It's a long day for those babies in the vehicle! All the traveling with crying babies really takes it out of all of us and usually, I am still jazzed about seeing Parker and stuff, but really really really ready to go home.
It not usually till the day after that I have that same 'was it real??' feeling come over me and do the same starring at pictures for hours and talking with Kyla and posting on forums and stalking Facebook to see if Laurie will say anything about me visiting (she never does, but you know, I keep hoping..)

It has only been through writing that I have finally come to the conclusion to that question
'How do I feel' because, usually, I feel like it was all a dream, a beautiful dream, and it's only pictures(and the bruises on my body cause Parker plays rough, he's a boy!) that prove it was really really real. Like a miracle come true.

I am doing this?

When a atheist says 'You can believe what you believe, just don't shove it down my throat'
What does that mean, does that mean I can't refer to my faith in any form while I am in the known presence of an atheist? I mean, the whole idea of being a christian means that I am supposed to tell people about my faith because I believe that without a decision for Christ, YOU will be lost and when you die, you will not experience heaven, also, you are missing out on the peace and love that Christ gives me.
So, believing this means that I really do want YOU to experience heaven, that the peace and love I know, and I will do anything I have to help that happen, or I should.
Now, I don't do this as much as I should, try and help people find peace with God and secure their destination after their death.
Is posting parts of the Bible on my Facebook 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would talking about the Bible with you be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would inviting you to come to church be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would wanting to pray before eating with you be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would not wanting to drink or smoke or gamble or dress slutty be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Really I want to know, what does this behavior really look like, because I don't think I do this, but sometimes, I think, I probably should be trying harder to show people what I believe because I believe it to be the real truth.
I find that my sister get offended with me because I honestly whole-heartedly believe that the faith I have is real, it's not just religion, it's not just some thing I do so that I will go to heaven when I die, it's something I live by, a hope I have that is more real than anything else I know. It bothers them because they think it's a lie, they are more than OK with people who go through actions of religion, but they have a problem with me, their sister, because I really believe in the Bible, it's not just a good book, I really believe, and know that God loves me. I have seen very real miracles and I know I am not mistaken.
I truly don't know how my sisters lived in the same home as I did, when to the same church, and they do not believe the truth or have peace with God, but I do. It troubles me, so this should make me actually want to convince them even more, but I don't know how really. Because I don't want to force anyone to believe, I want people to believe because they figured it out, that it IS the truth. That's all.

Sunday, April 22, 2012


I actually did it, I clean out my desk. To be honest, some of the stuff in my desk was never mind, it just was there when I moved back to my moms house now almost 5 years ago. FYI I have lived on my own about half of my adult life, well, almost half of my adult life. It's not like I'm a dead beat moocher who just stayed at home all these years, I really did not do that at all. I was really tried today because I am dealing the blood loss, you know, the natural feminine kind that happens like every three weeks or more. Anyways, I manage to clean out so much stuff that now a whole three drawers are empty. I emptied them in the recycle bin my mom got me as an encouragement to get on the cleaning out, only I really don't understand why she cares so much about the stuff in my desk drawers, I pay her for the use of this room in her house and buy all my own food, all I ask is privacy. Why is that just too much to ask for?? But hey, at least I know she probably does it for my own good, I feel better now that it's done. Really I do.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Everything always seems so impossible

Today I could have voted, but I will still have a chance on Monday. I still feel unworthy to vote because I don't understand politics or anything that any of the people I'm supposed to vote for are talking about. I mean, I get little things, but then I talk to much smarter people, who are going to school for the subject of politics or something like that and when I say things like 'I like this person, I will vote for her because she seems nice' they really look at me like I am the dumbest person they have ever met. I mean, I am very logical. It just seems that no matter what I do, I look stupid and do everything wrong. I mean, today was busy and I had a trainee near me and when problems arose, I just haphazardly fixed them, when I should have slowed down and showed the trainee how to deal with things. I am having my 'womanly' time, it really messes with my mood and takes away all my patience. I really wish I was a more sweet gentle merciful kind of person. I mean I try, I really do, but often it takes so much more energy than telling everything straight as I see it, without hesitation of an kind. I should probably try to hesitate more often, I might be a good practice if I didn't find it so terribly annoying. I just am completely wrong, my whole self is out of place. I want to do everything perfectly, but I am so very broken, or at least very hindered by the thoroughness of inner weaknesses for impulsive ordering and stuff...sigh... I'm so sorry world.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Always happens

Yesterday I was perusing a 'Todays Parent' magazine and it was all about mother's day. I don't know why I do this to myself, I am just really curious and sort of drawn to things like that. I guess I like to imagine sometimes, that I am actually parenting Parker, only in my imagination though, and even there, it feels like I fail or would fail at it. Anyways, there was a story written by an adoptive mom, apparently she blogs, when I edit this post, I'll try to add links and stuff. Right now, I can't seem to figure that out, so just Google it yourself if you want to know. This story was OK, but it worried me because it was just too neatly ended with the idea that because the birth mom moved on, was pursuing college and a 'better life' for herself that the adoptive mom felt happier about providing a 'better life' for the child she adopted from said birth mom. I posted this question on OAS(again, I will edit to put links in but I don't know if they will work) about whether or not knowing that the birth mom of your adopted child, her feelings, makes it harder or easier to be happy about parenting said adopted child. This is something I worry about often. To tell you the truth, I dearly hope that when Laurie looks at Parker, she doesn't think about me. I don't want her to think about me, I want her to be thinking about Parker, and how best to parent him, not that he has my shape of nose or color of eyes, or even that (to my chagrin) he has some of my personality traits. It actually bothers me when I read stories about adoptive parents (moms in particular) who say things like 'she's moving on so I don't have to worry that I am causing her grief by parenting her child' At the same time, I do want adoptive parents to know that life isn't often good for birth families after placing a child. I know that it's natural for adoptive parents to feel a little guilty for taking advantage another person bad fortune or bad life choices, I mean, I know they're only human. My qualm is that why should what is going on with the adults have any affect on innocent children. I mean, I know I placed Parker to protect him from my depression and the poor decisions of Jacob and also my own family(most of the time my family is OK, but honestly, too many of them smoke and spend money they don't have). I mean, I want Laurie to know these things, but not dwell on them at all. I am over-thinking it all, I know. I always do this. I wonder if the fact that I work in a dead end job, live at my moms house, and have no social life will make Parker think I'm a bad person, because I feel like one often. I know that Laurie, or even James(adoptive parents of Parker) would never say anything bad about me to Parker, but actions, and attitude say much more than words ever could. What I really want is for adoptive parents to know about the grief that birth families go through and for that to spur them on to love even more and parent with even more devotion than if they did not know. What I don't want is for adoptive parents, moms especially, to feel like they shouldn't have to right to parent because they're act of parenting is hurting people, because it's not. Yes, the loss of parenting, for a birth mom, is something she will grieve, as the whole birth family will grieve the absence of the one that is now adopted, but the hesitation in parenting would only make that grief worse. It's on of my biggest pet peeves, I hate hesitation where permission is clearly given(or hesitation at all, seriously, it's really annoying).

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Types of adoption agencies

To add to the 'types of' adoption kinds I thought I'd do one on the agencies related to adoption. Over 6 years ago, when I was making an adoption plan for Parker, whom I at the time thought by the name of Tobias (just FYI) Jacob and I did visit about a handful of agencies. And now, 6 years later, I have learned tons about adoption agencies through things like this really cool forum on go on for birth moms called Birthmom buds and also through various blogs and such. The truth is that a good adoption agency is rare and usually, they are really just for-profit businesses that act like charities and public service, they are not, they are mostly private. I do not know that much about all adoption agencies and this list is just going to be mostly my opinion on what exists out there. As with all my lists, the things I list can be combined or added to, and I like to keep things simple by not repeating ideas. Also, I'll probably not be able to mention all that really exists, because I don't know that much, I already said that, oops.
Here ya go
  • 1)Grass roots
My favorite kind of agency. The kind that is usually started by a bunch of people who want to really make a good difference in peoples lives and live by the 'golden rule' and such. These agencies are often really nice, but sometimes they just disappear or get bought up by something bigger than them and lose all their good intentions when they start getting successful. Often they are staffed by people who are themselves a part of adoption, adoptive parents who want some way to help others become adoption parents, adopted persons who want to 'give back' to adoption. Rarely is there ever any birth parents involved though. This adoption agency is often the kind that doesn't have very many fees, hosts fund-raising BBQ's and has pictures of the adoptive families they have created in collages framed on the walls. As well, their offices are often like quaint little converted places that probably were abandoned years ago prior to them taking ownership. At least ABC (the agency I used to find Parker adoptive parents) did. They also provide useful referrals to unbiased counseling for birth parents and if they do not sell-out, their adoption rates, per expectant parent, are low. They have entire seminars on open adoption and promote it to every pre-adoptive parent.
  • 2)Fancy-wancy
An agency that is really full of themselves and thinks that they can relate to the expectant parents making adoption plans as well as the adoptive parents, when they are not. They usually have expensive furniture and many framed important documents on the walls together with weird adverts with sad looking young dark-haired girls holding their babies with some kind of caption about adoption being a good choice. Also just some random weird art around of animals or those crazy weird pictures of babies with flowers or dressed as flowers and stuff like that, I'm not a fan (sorry if you are). They are the ones that take themselves really really way to seriously and could probably talk a scared young girl into placing her unborn child because they act so superior and stuff. They are the type of agency that puts up the price of home studies for each year that a pre-adoptive couple is not matched or just charges the most insane rates for their services. Not to birth parents of course, but as a birth mom, I don't like thinking that people can be forced to pay more than they should just because an agency decides to get 'better lawyers' or something when really their just buying more paint for the walls or padding their own coffers. They boast about getting every expectant parent who enters to plan their baby in adoption and give nominal support for open adoption. 3)On-line only This is the kind of agency I would never trust be apparently not everyone can make it to an appointment or maybe this agency doesn't even have a real office or something. This is the kind of agency that seems to be the choice of many young expectant moms who want to feel they can read tons of profiles without being questioned or coerced or something. I guess that might be true, but the profiles that seem so good can all be a lie and then where are you once you make a commitment to the process. And I mean this for all parties involved. I know it seems like more control, but at what cost??
  • 4)Lawyers
Quite a few people, from all parts of adoption, decide that using a lawyer that they find themselves is the best way to go. Often this is because they by chance came across a way to adopt, or place a child in adoption, without the help of an agency. So of course, to make it legal, a lawyer is needed to make it happen. This can work if all the people involved are completely honest and have good intentions toward each other, but it can also go horribly wrong and participates will have no recourse at all, except to pay the lawyers more to do something or whatever. Usually good for people with criminal records because lawyers can be told to ignore those kinds of things if paid enough. That's all I can think of for now. I might think of others later, but this is all I will do for now. These are the other 'types in adoption' posts I've done, and before you ask, yes I have written one about adopted persons, but I'm currently not brave enough to post it. Maybe tomorrow, K? birthmoms adoptive parents birthdads

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Since I have written several posts on types people in adoption, and I might do more, really I will but right now I just want to get out the types of customers that I encounter as a cashier/retail worker. I have worked in retail/public service for over a decade now and after a while, patterns emerge and certain events happen again and again and I can't believe that it's random. Here's my list of the types of customers I have dealt with not in any order of importance, just as they occur to me, OK? 1)Trouble maker A customer who thinks that they can argue a deal out of you, or that you have some special magic powers that you could just produce the item that they want or the price that they want at will. It is not so, and often, managers will side with their workers unless it seems that the amount of loss the store will suffer as a result of giving into demands is worth it to make them go away and hopefully they will never come back. If they do, and try the same thing, they will be denied and often banned from the store entirely. It is because of people like this that an ordinary person who needs leniency will often be denied because policy changes that took affect because of the 'customer' who is really just trying to steal from the store with bad attitude. 2)Oblivious Sorry souls who are completely overwhelmed by the store itself and are completely confused by the most basic things. They take up much of the time and effort of the workers, but most often the workers hope that they will have learned from them about things like signs that say the exact brands that are on sale, and the same sign that also states the exclusions, that is the things that are most definitely NOT on sale because that's exactly what the sign says. Workers advise is often disregarded by these folks as they cannot seem to learn the basics of shopping. For example, where the shopping carts are located (to the right of the main door, and there are hundreds of them all lined up and painted brightly) to the idea that you should not randomly deposit unwanted items in random places as this causes much product loss and extra unnecessary work for workers. 3)Space hogs Everyday there will be this thing that happens, whole families will shop together and this is a problem, because often, only one or two of the individuals in the group are actually buying anything. As well, people with small children fail to control them and they end up causing destruction and havoc in their wake. I know this sometimes cannot be avoided, or sometimes it is planned, but it is always stressful for the staff of the store because the children cry. Sometimes the group splits up and shops separately, which often leads to the problem of meeting up again and the lack of organization of the members of the groups often make workers go in search for lost, or misplaced children and/or elderly individuals 4)Rude Customers that assume that you as a worker are unimportant and spend all their time on there phone or talking with whomever with with them, completely ignoring important instructions and repeated causing delays for other customers which is very stressful for a cashier who gets the anger that should have been directed at them, but they have left and you are there. 5)Wonderful The kind of customers that every worker wants is the kind that is respectful. What that means is a customer that engages eye contact with workers. Asks good questions in polite ways, is understanding and respectful of other customers, the merchandise, and the store space. A person who has a plan for what they need in the store and exercises common sense. (ie: reads everything, manages themselves in a orderly manner, etc) That's all I can think of for now. This is a draft, so I might come back to it later and revise.


I meant to do a post everyday but obviously I missed yesterday, it has been a tough week where I had to work extra hard and was treated rudely and really I feel like crap because a filling fell out of one of my molars and I am not sure if I can afford going to the dentist. Anyways, I think I'm going to write a bunch of stock posts so I don't have to worry so much about writing everyday like I really want to. I have tons of ideas but often, my mind sort of goes a bit blank when I get to the computer after all the demoralizing stress I have endured from my daily life, and also the physical exhaustion of everything. I'm not young anymore(well... sort of, if you think over 30 is old, which I do) and I have so much more trouble recovering from well...everything. I'm not the kind of person who gets energy from activity, just the opposite really. My mom doesn't get it, she keeps trying to get me to do stuff and it is very annoying because she's all 'Hey you have a day off, now you can clean out your desk, closet, dresser, vacuum the house for me, and do some raking as well!!' And I am like.... not so much mom, not so much. I mean, at work, I totally give it my all, or at least more than most of my coworkers, at home, it really doesn't matter how anything is as long as it's functional because my mom doesn't let me have any friends over and she herself never has any friends over, so none of it matters because it's unlikely anyone will find the messes I hide in my desk,closet,dresser, etc. That's all for now, but tomorrow I'll put up another adoption 'types' I got a comment that said she liked them, I'm still not sure if it was spam because it was so random and off topic, but I am going to get rid of as much brain crack today in order to make posting every day easier, at least for this coming week.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I don't know why I try so hard at everything. Well, not everything, usually I have a 'give up' phase before I feel guilty enough to begin trying again. I never quit for sure, and I always feel guilty for even considering giving up trying as hard as I do. I hate when I am asked to be useless to make others look better, it's disgusting, and I hate it when people argue with me when I am only trying to be get out the facts. When I don't understand something or want to explain something, I try, but people never receive me well. Most of my efforts in explaining anything are a complete waste of my time and energy and are especially frustrating when those same people claim that they weren't told about anything about the very things I was trying to tell them that they wouldn't listen to me because they believed somehow that anything I have to say is irrelevant. I am usually the only one saying anything relevant. I feel terrified that I have lost the faith of others because of my bad attitude and my anger. I only want to do what makes sense, not what is an useless plan and useless idea. I do not make any sense, but I will still try, always try try try. Just need a little bit to get my strength, and then I will go and do what I can again and again and again. I need to, it is the only way I am worth anything in any way.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I don't own one

Cell phones are the new cigarettes. Just like literally a hundred years ago, everyone seems to think it is completely normal to spend most of their time on them. I am fascinated by cell phones, and a few years ago, I did try using them but it did not work out good and I quickly gave up on them. Mostly because unlike most people, I do not have anyone who will call me everyday, well, I might have Kyla call me once or twice a week or maybe even a month, but calling that often is pointless. I really don't know what people have to say for so long on their cell phones. I think most of it is pointless and useless and not informative at all. Honestly, all I experience from cell phone users is the rudeness and the selfishness that cell phone use makes people act like the people in real life, right in their presence are not as important as the fact that a person who is not even near them is sending them some sort of vague message that is not even in good grammar. Not that my grammar is the best, but it's completely better than any of the 'text' talk I have seen. Cell phones do not make life better, I think they are going to cause brain cancer, even any kind of cancer and make everyone rude and stupid, they already are doing this! I like talking on a phone that tells the person on the other side exactly where I am. I want to have a 15-30 minute conversation, not a 15-30 SECOND conversation. I hate that if I have to call someone on their cell I don't know if they are busy. It always happens, I call someone and they get all mad at me for calling them on their cell because 'they're busy' and I've interrupted something important. Well then, don't tell me to call you 'anytime' on your cell if you don't mean it!!! Cell phones are evil, like cash money.

Friday, April 13, 2012


Everything seems to be giving me a terrible sinking feeling. I feel so guilty about every thing and like all the ill treatment I endure is because I lack mercy for others.
Being mad makes me feel sick, literally. The slightest thing makes me feel stupid. I shouldn't have told the cab driver when I worked, and when I was off. Why is it that all east Indian men think a woman talking to them is an invitation for romantic relationship?? It's so annoying not knowing why they act this way and so frustrating when I just am being 'normal' to know I over-shared and that could me a danger to my physical and social well-being.

Why is it that even that some woman have to fight me on every little thing, I know they just do it for show, just to be bitches because heaven forbid that it seem like they agree with someone as weird and stupid as me.
It ruins my whole day every time, and not just because my body is rebelling against me at every turn.
I am just too embarrassed to really admit that I am tormented constantly by the faults of my body.
Sometimes I have a really good few days with regards to my body, and I think that I'm finally normal and forget that I was suffering.
It is always that feeling that everyone is against me, everyone is talking about what a huge problem I am and how awful I am and everything, even, or especially when I do everything in my power to do what is right, I am still wrong, always wrong because of the social laws I don't understand, do not even notice.
I wish I knew why they won't be my friends, why they won't stop resisting my reasonable efforts to get along.
I am so very hopeless.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


There is much that irritates me today. I mean, I was mostly in a good mood, but what put me in a bad mood is the misbehavior of others. People don't like to follow instructions or have patience with small errors. I am not perfect and neither are devices that we use. People have so little patience these days, and I am no different.

Although, I do want to know, really, how long do I have to wait after the hour of my shift ending has come.
Why do some people get good treatment. Also I feel guilty, because these people that misbehave, I want to be their friend too, I know that they can be good. I just feel like because I am correcting people on one or two small things that they think that I think they are all bad, when they are not, they are just doing one or two things wrong and being unfair to me by getting mad at me for expecting only what I would always expect of myself.

Honestly, the excuses don't fit the problems, and I have little mercy in my heart for the vague excuses of slight difficulties that I over come easily on a daily basis. I know, maybe that's just me, maybe because I have no real life, to other demands, no other distractions, and no social obligations, nothing to keep me from over coming the difficulties that others refer to as their primary problem and reason for misbehavior when I know it is not the case. The truth is that respecting me is not a priority, respecting what I put most of my energy in is not important at all, so they give it little notice and the fact that I care so much, that is an offense to them, a strange thing that makes them not want to be my friend. That causes them to treat me like an enemy and expect me to understand and accept that I am not acceptable because I have a hard time showing mercy when I am disrespected. It's never about what really happens, it's about my reaction and how it's inappropriate to point out how stupid their excuses are and how mean it is to disrespect me.
I mean, I try my best to respect others, and even being angry at misbehavior seems disrespectful and so I really try and hold back. I really just don't know how to be and I feel tormented by worry that I have lost the hope for a pleasant time in all my duties because of poor selfishness on the part of others who care little of the effect of their actions.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

On Faith Alone

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them. Write a response at your blog–linking back to this post so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments. Open adoption agreements are the documents signed by placing parents and adopting parents that establish post-adoption contact expectations and boundaries. Discussions often focus on their legal weight (e.g. Are the agreements enforceable in court?) or the practical details (e.g. How many visits?), both very important issues. I thought it might be interesting to also take a more personal look at how they have influenced the relationships in our personal adoption constellations and how our views about them may have changed over time. Write about open adoption agreements. Is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?

The first time I met with the agency social worker of the agency I would eventually find Parkers adoptive parents from I remember being kind of power hungry in the idea that I could control what happened and how it happened, mostly. Although, I don't think I thought about putting it all on paper, just vaguely so, but honestly, I thought that I would choose a couple who would already be willing to at least send a picture or two every year and that would probably be enough. The only 'agreement' that comes to mind is two handwritten (and then photocopied to more than a dozen pages included in the adoption decree) notes that each stated that "We agree to provide contact in the form of updates and photos and occasional visits as long as we believe it to be in the best interest of our child" Each were signed and written individually, but said the exact same thing. Really though, there would probably be many things that could make them believe that contact wasn't 'in the best interest' that would give them a reason to discontinue the openness I have so far enjoyed. Those notes really don't hold that much weight, but even if they did, they are way to vague to really be taken seriously. The unwritten agreement holds more weight to me, the agreement that as Christians, they have a duty to be truthful and caring to anyone who is respectful and even those who many not be as desirable company as others. I think it is their faith that has keep the openness toward me and Jacob. Although, looking back, I often wish I had asked for me, Jacob certainly asked for much more and much more boldly, and he was politely dissuaded to choose more reasonable options. I guess because his assertions about visiting in every season of the year, weekly updates, not only from the adoptive parents, but from him to them, he just kind of laid it all on a little thick and even though my ideas were more reasonable, they weren't any less ambitious. Instead I talked about other things, about school life and such and what I hoped for, hoping of course that they would take these hints as direction. Well now, 6 years later, much of what I hoped for HAS happened for Parker, not all though, but it's not a perfect world and I understand that sometimes plans change. For me, it just felt rude to demand these things, pictures, visits, updates, I wanted Parkers adoptive parents to WANT to update me and Jacob, not HAVE too. I have worked hard to be friendly to them, and I do like them very very much, but the friendship connection isn't there and that is what would lead to more openness, not a contract. If anything, a contract would be the kind of thing that would kind of ruin the chance of natural friendship. In my opinion at least. Here's the other Round table discussion I posted

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I'm gonna do it everyday starting now, I hope

I've decided to try and write at least a 'field' full of words for the foreseeable future.
So many people do this very poorly, I figure what I do is not that bad and I should get my thoughts out and stuff anyways and work on my writing skills. Or lack there of. About my life. Working in retail can be stressful, but it also can be very boring. I mean, some days I am just standing there for hours, feeling the torture that is waiting until someone can let me go to the bathroom to pee and poop. I have problems that way, I always seem to feel the need to go, even when I tried to go before hand so I wouldn't have that problem, it never works out of me.
When I think about my bathroom problems, I think that it's probably one of the main reasons, besides being fat and crazy, that I will not ever hook up with a guy. Even if a guy wanted to hook up. Even being friends is a hard thing for me because I try so hard to be perfect, I mean, physically clean and stuff, but I know I just cannot be as good as others who have designer clothes and shiny perfect hair and perfect skin and know how to be social and everything. I have nothing of this, and even if I do for very short amounts of time, I worry that I will be too noticed and then when I lose the nice clothes and my hair goes yucky and my skin goes yucky than all the people who seem so perfect will notice. Sigh!! I can never win. I hope my laptop will stop crashing on me, it is so annoying. Nothing works out for me..