Thursday, December 26, 2013

Acceptance goes both ways

Today is the day after Christmas and it really went OK for the most part.
Everyone mostly treated everyone else with respect and kindness, even my brother who usually is totally horrible. He didn't give me anything for Christmas but he got the kids cool stuff, so I guess that's what's most important. I've been saying for years that I don't care so much about getting stuff, but I do LIKE getting stuff. For all the money and effort that goes into what I give, I think I should deserve some compensation but I know I should give without actually expecting anything in return.

I already got more than I expected already. Someone from the weird little church near my house put a gift card with an anonymous letter, so that was really my compensation for all the other stuff I burned money on, mostly.

Everyone once in a while there are things and people in life that I can't understand or get past an 'ick' factor. Like this guy friend I once knew is now in common law partnership with his former youth leader (a woman more than a decade older than him, but she looks really young).
Or just the fact that most of my coworkers do not know or spend any time with their siblings(or any other blood related family) for any reason, not even Christmas.

But I should be more understanding that most, after all I am usual myself being a birth mom in an open adoption. Most people cannot understand that, or that I am still 'friends' with Jacob (birth dad).
There are many times that I don't really understand it myself, I just live it. I can't explain how it works, it just does, most of the time.

I mean, I know I should be feeling terrible about not being normal, but I really don't care that I'm not normal because I feel healthy this way. My choices have seemed to lead to many good things for my son, and I won't ever regret that just because I 'should' be his mom. Sometimes I feel guilty for not at least trying, and I do miss him and wish I could show more people how awesome the baby I gave birth too is getting all the time, but that's not necessary.

What's necessary is that everyone feels loved and is healthy. I try to show I care about others in what I give them, even if they don't care that I care about them.

Someday I'll be more comfortable with alternate realities like Sunday School Teachers marrying their students and people with beautiful lives divorcing and old boyfriends wanting to befriend me and such. Just as people hopefully will become more comfortable with the idea that love does not always look the way you think it should.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

My 'Don't Care' is at 100%

It seems like everyone thinks that being part of a couple should be the main goal of your life, but I don't.
To me it's just way too much effort for pain and suffering.
Right now, as a unmarried woman, I am comfortable with my existence.

Each time I have been a part of a romantic relationship(with 2 males(different times, years apart), I am heterosexual) it has meant some exciting times, paired with the most devastating effects on my life ever.

Risking my life is no longer worth the trouble. Even though I dabble in online dating, even chatting up really interesting profiles, I know nothing will happen because I will make sure and shut it down before anything serious happens.

The fantasy of a good husband who has gentle sex with me and lets me read as much as I want while providing for some of my basic needs (shelter, food, etc) is just a fantasy.
In realty, all relationships have ever done is take away from all my basic needs and torture me with abuse.
I'm not anxious to open myself to abuse, I feel loved by God and that's more than enough love.

Honestly! I think all these weird stories of woman crying about being 'single' are stupid and annoying.
I'm not crying about being single, I never have and I never will. I cry about my dignity being stripped from me because a selfish man wants to make me feel bad because he feels stupid or weak.

Really I have better things to do than make a man feel good about himself at my expense.
Men have rarely make me feel good about myself, even if they have, they take it back and then some so any nice things they ever did for me are less than worthless.

My self esteem comes from my faith and my hope is in Jesus, the only one who really loves me completely. I mean, some people might think they honestly care about me, but they will never know me like the one who made my every cell and has my life in His total control.

I believe that as I continue to surrender to my Lord, the more freedom I will have and I will never need to seek out a male companion.

There may actually be a man out there who's supposed to be with me or to whom I would be a good companion, but that man is too lazy and stupid to find me, so it's his loss.

I'm good by myself. I don't care what others think anymore.
I really wish I could go back to my teenage self and tell her to stop caring what other people think because what they think is all worthless and isn't worth the effort of the worry.

I like enjoying my life doing whatever I want. I really don't want to do bad things.
Having the freedom to give to charity and to focus on loving the world of people that need love is better that loving a man who's supposed to love you and is probably just using you to fulfill his selfish wants and not caring a damn about your needs or anything.