Thursday, December 26, 2013

Acceptance goes both ways

Today is the day after Christmas and it really went OK for the most part.
Everyone mostly treated everyone else with respect and kindness, even my brother who usually is totally horrible. He didn't give me anything for Christmas but he got the kids cool stuff, so I guess that's what's most important. I've been saying for years that I don't care so much about getting stuff, but I do LIKE getting stuff. For all the money and effort that goes into what I give, I think I should deserve some compensation but I know I should give without actually expecting anything in return.

I already got more than I expected already. Someone from the weird little church near my house put a gift card with an anonymous letter, so that was really my compensation for all the other stuff I burned money on, mostly.

Everyone once in a while there are things and people in life that I can't understand or get past an 'ick' factor. Like this guy friend I once knew is now in common law partnership with his former youth leader (a woman more than a decade older than him, but she looks really young).
Or just the fact that most of my coworkers do not know or spend any time with their siblings(or any other blood related family) for any reason, not even Christmas.

But I should be more understanding that most, after all I am usual myself being a birth mom in an open adoption. Most people cannot understand that, or that I am still 'friends' with Jacob (birth dad).
There are many times that I don't really understand it myself, I just live it. I can't explain how it works, it just does, most of the time.

I mean, I know I should be feeling terrible about not being normal, but I really don't care that I'm not normal because I feel healthy this way. My choices have seemed to lead to many good things for my son, and I won't ever regret that just because I 'should' be his mom. Sometimes I feel guilty for not at least trying, and I do miss him and wish I could show more people how awesome the baby I gave birth too is getting all the time, but that's not necessary.

What's necessary is that everyone feels loved and is healthy. I try to show I care about others in what I give them, even if they don't care that I care about them.

Someday I'll be more comfortable with alternate realities like Sunday School Teachers marrying their students and people with beautiful lives divorcing and old boyfriends wanting to befriend me and such. Just as people hopefully will become more comfortable with the idea that love does not always look the way you think it should.

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