Saturday, January 11, 2014

I hope can deal...

Apparently the Internet (and life) is randomly mean to me at the most unexpected times.
Honestly I should be used to this by now. Things work really great and then suddenly for reasons unknown to me the things I count on staying the same change with little or no warning.

Happens all the time. My last remaining Grandparent died on Thursday. I can't afford to go to the funeral, but my sister Steph is going so at least my mom won't be alone(it's her mom that died, she needs to be at that funeral). Cause really when I went to my Grandpas funeral the point was to support my mom, but really Steph is her favorite and they really get along much better than I do with her. I just re-read the posts I made when my Grandpa died in May of 2012 and boy do I sound like a selfish brat, but I'm honest about what I feel. I think that's the idea of blogging.

At times of crisis I find it hard to trust that things will work out OK, but they often do!
I mean, thinking back on that time in May 2012, everything was good. Staying at my Grandpa old apartment, good. Flying there and back, good. I worried for nothing back then, but then isn't worry always for nothing. God already knows everything and He's just waiting for me to calm down so I can see how things are just the way they are supposed to be.

My Grandma funeral will be more special than my Grandpa because everyone knew she was dying for months. Her body just couldn't recover from all the bladder and gallbladder and what else was infected in her stomach anymore. She was in constant pain and nothing made it better, not really anyways.
It's a blessing that she's no longer suffering and everyone is sure that she's with Jesus.
Her faith was something about her that wasn't really 'loud' but obvious none the less.

I'm really glad I had that time with her in May 2012 to know that she was her own brand of totally awesome.
It would have been terrible if I had believe she had really lost her mind. I'll never believe that she forgot anything at this point. Calendars were her 'thing' she knew all the birthdays of her children, grandchildren, and wedding dates too. She was the 'boss' of the family, just her presence made people straighten up and act right, for the most part.

The silly thing is I'll always remember the odd things. For example when she visited us my sister and I would have to practically race her to the chores, because if we didn't get to them, she would be doing them.
Then my mom would be like 'Why are you letting Grandma wash the dishes?! She's on vacation!'
Also we didn't want my mom to be embarrassed to her mom. She wanted to show that she was raising her kids right. Good kids do the chores without being asked and stuff, I guess.

Saw a photo video montage that they are going to play at the funeral. One of my aunties sent it to me.
It's nice, there's a picture of my Grandma doing dishes in this house (which is also my childhood home)
There isn't any pictures of me, but most of the cousins that live in Manitoba. Although there's a picture of my sister Lydia with Tyler and my niece when she was just a baby. I guess the montage had to include some reference to great-grandchildren. My Grandma only met my nieces about 3 times, it's fortunate they got some pictures.

It really sucks that I can't make it to the funeral, but that's life. During my time of being an adult I've learned that things don't always work out they way you hope and you just have to deal with that reality.
When I was a child, my family attended at least 5 funerals out of province and I didn't think that much about the cost, it was just done. Someone in the family dies, you go to the funeral, no matter what.
Reality is that it was my dad that forced us all to go to those events, he felt compelled.

Happenstance really rules my life sometimes. When good things happen, I am usually not the cause or the reason, when bad things, or just uncomfortable things happen, sometimes I get to be part of the 'action' and sometimes I just have to deal on my own with what I feel and think.
I'm really used to just dealing with things on my own. It's simpler and seems easier and less embarrassing.

So soon after Christmas I don't think I can handle being around all the family type people.
I just really want to disconnect from real life and take a break from feeling like my life is not in my control.
Giving up control is the most peaceful thing to do, and usually the right thing to do.
Really the only way I can deal. Just trust God, he knows what I need.

If I can starve for a day or two because I ran out of money, if I can live on less than people are supposed to live on. If I can manage my own emotions without resorting to substance abuse, then I can deal with the internet being snotty about what browser I use and credit cards not updating payment info when they expire and working in a pointless job where I can hurt myself often and being a weirdo who wants to just ignore the world and read a book. I think I need a walk to McD's..

Yeah, I can deal. I have too.

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