For some strange reason I'm becoming a girly-girl somehow. I mean, I'm becoming what is not 'normal' for me or has not been for most of my life. I mean, I go through fazes like everyone where I try something new for a while. For example when I was 18-20 I wore makeup, lots of makeup, and now I usually don't wear anything but some thick skin cream once in a while, when I remember or my face feels stiff from swimming in chlorine at the YMCA.
Anyways, I most often do not care about the current fashion trends as long as I don't look horribly 'off' in what I have chosen to wear. I mean, I try to be decent and unique.
I think my compulsion to be 'unique' has started me make me seek out over-the-top lady looks that really I would usually say are 'not my style'.
What I mean is recently I broke the glasses I had since Parker was born(8yrs). I sat on them by accident. I glued them together a few times, but they were really ratty. The paint on them was coming off and they were all scratched from using paper towels and other stupid stuff to clean them. My new glasses are kind of old lady style now
Now I think I might have made a silly choice. Just like my recent clothes purchases. I started working at a thrift store a couple months ago and they actually have some really neat stuff. Some of it with original tags on it and smelling like it has never been worn. So I bought 2 party dresses. A red one and a black one. Also some skinny jeans and a belt with a buckle that is totally sparkly(really only because I couldn't find anything more simple or better that fit) This is mostly because in the last 8 months I've lost about 60 pounds working out and eating mostly fruits and veggies. Putting on these clothes makes me feel a sense of victory that I CAN control my life even though much of the time I feel like I'm not really in control, but I'm trying really really hard and surrendering the rest to God, or it all to God when I feel like the world hates me, or realize it really does.
I've only done this 'life' change of losing weight because so many people discouraged me from losing weight. Telling me that I was fine the way I was... blah, blah, blah all the while talking about losing weight themselves and I thought, if they're doing it, I should be allowed to do it too. Whenever people tell me I can't do something, I have to prove them wrong. Even if they don't even care or remember me or by happenstance have any contact with me and are unlikely to notice or like that I've lost all my excess weight and they haven't. It's become one of my biggest pet peeves. People who only talk about achieving a goal and act like they are doing something to get it done, but really they are doing as little as they can so that they can say that they tried, but really they didn't give it all the effort they could have because it wasn't comfortable or easy.
I hate it when people think being comfortable all the time is important. I mean, I love being comfortable most of the time too, but I know that being uncomfortable sometimes is a reality that I have to accept.
I know that not everyone(or 99% of the world) is going to like me at all. It hurts my feelings, yes, but I expect to be rejected, not because I think I'm horrible, just because I know I'm incredibly unique and people are selfish, they don't want to learn new things or know someone who is too different from themselves, even if the ways that I'm different than them will teach them to live better.
I know that I'm gonna crave unhealthy food so I stock as much good food as possible(apples, avocados, spinach and frozen veggie mix galore!) so that I have something to eat that makes me so full that I forget that I even wanted that Boston Creme from Timmie's or those puffy cheesies(although I have eaten a few, moderation is the key to not gaining weight!)
I know exercise is gonna make me sore and tired, I would be annoyed if it didn't! That's the whole point, to make my body hurt in just the right way so that muscles will burn up most of the calories and also grow and make me have a bunch of energy I didn't have before I lost all this weight.
Really I still feel like a fatty, it's hard for me to believe I really got thinner, even though I know from the fact that most of my clothes are too big for me now.
I worry that this change of size is impacting my personality too much. I want to stay the super logical silly crazy lady that I've been for so long. I don't want to turn into a vapid party girl who goes ga-ga over sparkly stuff. This is probably just a faze for me. I hope I'll stay or get even fitter than I am now, but I don't want to be so weirdly obsessed with looking like a lady by wearing sparkly purple glasses and party dresses. Oh, I also bought a couple(purple and brown) shiny blouses too, they are size small and they fit me! I can't remember ever fitting a size small anything. Even though they have longish sleeves I think they are party clothes because they are from a designer store(I got them at the thrift store I work at for $4).
I don't know why I can't resist buying these things, it's really pointless because I never go out and really like being alone to read. Although I do wish a nice decent guy would ask me out so I could show the world that I'm awesome at doing whatever I put my mind to. Losing weight or whatever.
Do Or Do Not, There Is No Try....