Saturday, May 5, 2012

Do I belong

Most of my life I have usually had this feeling that I am an impostor, that I should not be allowed to be wherever I am or anything.
I think it's because my personality is so rare, and I'm not trying to compliment myself there, it's just the truth.
Only my Dad, maybe, had the same kind of personality as I do, and he had very few friends.
Mostly because he never when out of his way to make friends or made any special effort to empress anyone.
Well, maybe sometimes, but it was usually the kind of practical things that I do that get disrespected.
Like the time he bought my mom a much bigger casserole dish because he broke one while trying to make a meal in it for her. He had no way of knowing that it would be too big to put in the cupboard or that my mom liked to use that other casserole dish in the microwave which made being smaller dish, easier. So that, that didn't work out for him, and the same kind of thing happens to me all the time as well.
At work, when I do things a little bit better than others, they don't like me because of that, even if I make efforts to do things a little worse than others, they don't like that either, I can't win.

I have a confession to make, I am sort of part of this 'nerd' movement because I watch certain You tubers and I love science and reading. Anyways, this group is having a 'event' and I went to a meet-up like this once before, and it was... OK..I mean it was exhausting because they are all very young, and I am well... not so young anymore.
I guess I think it will be even more awkward this time, if I go, because I've been watching their vlogs for a year now. It's always just weird, telling someone you barely know that your a fan of them, especially when they are really ordinary kids. I mean, they are super smart and everything, yeah, and way more motivated in general that I can ever imagine being. I just worry that I do not fit in with them.
It's the same with me and ANY teenagers. I always instantly feel like at any moment they are all going to turn on me like rabid zombies because I differ from them in so many many ways.
I mean, much of the internet 'communities' depend on people liking the same stuff, and yes, I like many of the things that these kids like, or at least, I am open to learning about the things I do not know about.
But I am not a real 'fan' of most of the things that they are really really into, and I am not willing to force myself to be into the things that they are into, I know many people do this, but I am not willing to change like that just to be friends. I want people to want to be friends with me for who I am regardless of whether or not I like the ALL the same things as they do. Actually I like being friends with people who have completely different interests than me, being friends with people who only like what I like can be boring because I'm not learning anything new, and I like learning new things. I want my mind to be blown. Really I do.
I mean currently, I am a mad fan of this show called 'Grimm' but I doubt that any of these kids are into it like I am.
Often from what I have watched and enjoy, much of the 'nerd' movement is about getting people, and mostly young kids, to read, to want to learn, that kind of thing, which is really great, I love that, but I am not the one that needs to be told to read, or have learning promoted to me, I already want to read, and to learn.
One of my biggest pet-peeves about these online communities is that they take things too seriously.
For example, if a certain book is promoted, it becomes the only book to read, and any other suggestions are taken as insults. I know that the people promoting certain books don't mean it like that, they do want people to read, just in general, but for people that have no idea what to read, they suggest something.
For me, I rarely read books that are suggested to me, I just don't like being told what to do.
Also, I am always in the process of reading at least two or three books and I am always curious, I don't have to be reminded to be curious, never, not ever. It makes me angry when people think that I do, just because I am part of a movement that encourages being smart, I am not one that needs to be convinced.
It's my personality, when people who are not paying me tell me 'do this, then that and that's how you be 'yourself'' it makes me angry and I won't do anything. I mean, if it's a job, that's different, and I will do anything that seems reasonable for the short time that I am obligated too, but to be asked to take on a whole different personality, as something that is supposed to be my 'true self' I won't let them do that.
I know they mean well, they are trying to encourage people who would otherwise not be interested in reading or learning to be interested and stuff.
I guess it's like Christianity in a way when people tell people that they need to do certain things and be like the group in certain ways, that has always bothered me too, because I have my own way of loving God and being devoted to my faith, and I know certain practices are needed, and I do them, I don't need to be told too, but I know that others do need that.
I need to show more mercy, people don't know that I am the exception, they don't even want me to be the exception. People are so very narrow minded these days, that's why I don't want to hang out with them.
They don't even realize they are being narrow minded when they make fun of a street person, or when they shy away from someone who doesn't act exactly like them or dress like them, that kind of thing.
I know they want to be open minded, but sometimes, they just are limited and don't even know it themselves.
It's snowing, so I probably won't go to the meet-up. It's too far away anyways, in a big mall in the south of my city, I am in the far north, it's too far.
I have to return some movies I didn't even get around to watching to the library closer to me anyways.
That will take all my free time. I'm too tired and stressed thinking about hanging out with more people than I can handle being around. I'd rather just read and be at home with my sweet kitty-cat.
She loves me for who I am, and always will, as long as I feed her.

1 comment:

April said...

I would have to agree with you that you have a unique personality. That's why I enjoy reading your posts so much. Your perspective is different from the norm. I relate to some of what you say since I'm an introvert. I wouldn't consider myself a nerd though.