Saturday, May 12, 2012

In Memory Of

 Sometime in the afternoon yesterday, my only living Grampa was found dead in his bed. He was 81, he had suffered many things in his life, included a brain tumor, strokes, broken bones, and various other medical conditions that did not get managed very well because well, being a man, he didn't really want to tell the doctors about every little pain or problem. He really had many people fooled into thinking he was healthy enough to live at least another five years or so, that's what I thought, and I think that's what his doctors though, as long as the medicine worked the way it should. I guess something didn't actually work and that's why, after his daily visit with his wife, and some shopping, he went for a nap, and didn't wake up and when he didn't show up for a visit with some of my uncles, they went to see him at his apartment, and found him dead there.
For the last year or so, he had been living alone, which means he died alone, even though he was still married to his wife, my Grandma, who is in a nursing home. She is 87, in my mind, she is far weaker than her husband was, but she lives because she is willing to get more medical support.
Well, it's not like she has much choice, she suffers from some dementia, which worries me now, will she really be able to understand that her husband is gone, and that she shouldn't expect to see him everyday for lunch, as she has since she has been living at the nursing home? 
I am still thinking about whether or not I should go to the funeral. It would be a plane ticket that would cost me a whole pay check, but I have paid off a fair amount of my credit card debt that I could technically afford to go.
I just am not sure that I should, there are other things that would be complicated, for example, I need a cat sitter for Lucy if we are going to be there for more than a day.
Honestly, I wish I could convince my mom to only go there for a day, it could be done.
She thinks it's too tiring, and I think staying anywhere for sleep other than my own bed is torture.
I have never really been able to sleep in unfamiliar places, at least not well.
It would really be only a hour plane trip, and go there and back in a day, it could be done!

But I sound like a horrible person, trying to limit the time I spend mourning my Grampa.
I just am in a little bit of denial right now. My sisters have already posted about their memories of him on FB, but I hesitate, I mean, I remember good things about my Grampa, the fact that he drove his car, right up until the last day, and he was a pretty good driver actually.
He was the kind of old guy that would talk so much and never let you get a word in edge wise, but his opinions were interesting sometimes and he did have some interesting stories to tell.
I probably should have tried to listen more when I had the chance, I just never had the patience.
He did nice things for myself and my siblings, took us to pet stores like they were the Zoo, it was fun.
He walked my sister down the aisle at her wedding, he took an interest in his great-grand-daughters(my nieces) and seemed to enjoy watching them play the few times that they were able to visit.
He never met, or knew anything about (to my knowledge) about Parker, he never met his nephew either.
I guess everyone will miss out on things that would have been to to know.
Of both sets of Grandparents, my moms parents(the ones I am referring to this whole time) were always the ones most interested and involved in the life of my family after we moved so far away from where my mom was born and where they were born.
My mom is the oldest of 8 so she has to be there. The biggest thing that is bothering me right now is that my mom isn't willing to ask her siblings if she can stay with them. Well, really only three of them live with their families close to the city where the funeral will be, but my mom thinks it's too much of a bother to ask them if she can stay with them. That just seems so stupid to me. They should be offering, why they haven't I really do not know. It's part of the fact that we have become so removed from them, being so far away.
How do families stay close when everyone moves so far away from each other?
Is it really just funerals that make everyone come together?
I don't even know if any of the cousins will be there, and if they are, what will there reaction be to me.
Really, I shouldn't think about that, I should just be thinking about the fact that my Grandpa really died.
It's hard for me to really believe it, also, I'm slightly annoyed that this happened now, on Mother's Day weekend. Way to put a damper on things. I am just so worn out by life now, I don't feel well.

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