Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Can you handle the truth?

The Open Adoption Roundtable  is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers  to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Mother’s Day is coming soon in many countries, and the intersection of adoption and that holiday can stir up a lot of different emotions.

Write to someone else in the adoption constellation (someone specific or a general group). What do you want to say to them on Mother’s Day?

Hey world at large that is aware that what a birth mom is.

Don't feel sorry for me, I don't need your pity.
I know it should be a big deal for me, but it's mostly just another day, like my birthday.
I really just want to forget that it's happening, or at the very least, feel like a decent person for buying dinner and a card with flowers for my mom.
Of all holidays, I think it is the most emotional and most pointless at the same time.
I mean, I know it's meant to honor moms and stuff, and that's nice, but I know I will always feel like a horrible person when I think about it because I am not actually, physically, parenting Parker.
I mean, besides treating my mom to dinner, buying cards for my sister and my friend Kyla
it's mostly just a day where I feel like crap because I can't do anything.
What I mean is, I can't 'mom' Parker, even if I could, for one day, it wouldn't be the same as being his mom.
That's what I mean by pointless, to me, if I can't physically do something that mimics what all the commercials show, I feel like a failure as a human being.
Don't rub it in by acting like you know what it feels like, for the most part I feel fine up until you remind me that I'm a horrible person for not actually parenting my son, even when (or especially when) you tell me it was 'a good choice' cause after that I would feel even more like a failure as a human being.
I just want to go on pretending that I'm normal.


I get all teary eyed when I see all the commercials where mom's are shown being moms and all.
That just reminds me of how disconnected I am to you, even though currently, I live with you.
All those things about moms being there and stuff, I can't relate, I mean, you gave me the basics, food and shelter and clothing, but anything else, like emotional support or encouragement, no, never, just critical words and constant badgering about being weak if I showed emotion, or you pretend that emotions never happened. Which is mostly fine, I'm used to it, really. We only get along if I constantly treat you like you are the bee-knees, and I try to be respectful, honestly, it's hard when it's not shown to you in return though. I know you are not capable of treating me like a human being though, the best I can hope for is that you treat me like you treat a pet, even Lucy gets more love from you, and she's a cat. With you Mother's Day is always a test of will-you-be-pleased-even-to-be-in-a-good-mood and it rivals your birthday, which is next month because if we(my siblings and I) don't please you, you damn us to Hell with specific parts of the Bible.
Although, you have mellowed with time, you often get tried which is the same thing as being in a good mood for me because you at least accept my gifts and such and actually say thank you. And it was nice, that first Mother's Day, that you gave me a card. Of course, you don't think I'm a real mom now, but that first year, you thought for sure I would change my mind, I know, but even though I have regrets, I know that Parker is... dare I say it .. better off without me as his mom.

Laurie (Parker's adoptive mom)

I really do want you to enjoy being Parker's mom, and I have no idea whether or not you think about me, but I doubt it. I want to send you a gift, a card, I have wanted to every year, but your husband rolled his eyes and poo-pooed the idea in that first visit we had. I don't know if you caught it, but it made me feel really stupid for wanting to send you a simple card so much so that I didn't have the courage to ask if I could do it again, or even send you another card. That first one was Jacob's idea, I just signed it too. You never remarked on that card, I have no idea whether or not your really got it(Jacob mailed it, not me).
I know you're busy, but I will always wish I could call you on Mother's Day, hear how things are, and wish you a great day. You're doing a great job with your kids, they are so amazing. Whenever I see pictures of Parker, I really can't believe he could possibly be the same baby I gave birth too. He really looks more yours than anything else. Also, don't worry about me, or think that I must be grieving especially, I think of Parker all the time, what the calendar says doesn't matter at all to me, it's only the fact that sometimes there are too many reminders that Parker can't be in my everyday life that make it hard sometimes.
If only we were closer, and I could visit more casually, like I do my nieces and nephew, then I wouldn't feel so horrible for being excluded. Often, being excluded means that you are the bad one, the one that isn't welcome, and I hate that feeling. If only you could include me a little more, I wouldn't intrude. I just wish I could experience the togetherness of the times you have with the other moms, the soccer games, the scrap booking. I wish I could be there, even only once, or once a few years. It would be so cool to be in your crowd. I know, it's inappropriate, and I'm sorry. Don't worry, I will never challenge your parenting, even though I sometimes think you could be a little more stern, but then I think I'm glad you're not and you let Parker be himself. Also, I love you. I really do. And I know you know that I will always love Parker.


You are cruel and amazing at the same time. You know exactly what people want to see and hear, but you don't have cards about birth moms, or even adopted children to their birth moms or to their adoptive moms. Is it really not worth it for you to try something new? Apparently not.

Here are the other posts I did for this for this discussion group about visiting agreements and grandmas


anotherversionofmother.com said...

I couldn't not respond. Sending you lots of hugs. My heart breaks for you.

Monika said...

Wow. Like the first commenter said, my heart breaks for you. Even though my own situation is a lot more positive than yours, I understand the gut feelings. You are not alone. *hugs*

cindy psbm said...

Thanks Monika, but I WANT to be left alone, especially during forced social holidays that I'm not interested in participating in.
My situation is not negative, it's neutral.
I hope I am not offending you, my true thoughts can really do that to some people...;)

Roni said...

I am so sorry your Mom can't be the Mom you need her to be. I have one of those too and sadly we haven't spoken in over 10 years.

I LOVED the comment about Hallmark! Made me chuckle.