Reasons staying 'single' is the best life for me

There are times when I wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend or even go on dates, but then I consider all the trouble that brings I want to make a list of reasons that life is better alone.

1. I can do whatever I want whenever I want and rarely consult anyone else. I mean I let my mom know where I am because I live with her (as a roommate) and just to be nice, but I don't have to tell her where I am going or what I am doing. Being with a romantic partner would involve thinking of them for every single little thing I want to do because all my spare time would then belong to them. I'm sorry, but I like being able to attend a yoga class at 8 in the morning and watch whatever I want and just do silly things like play with my cat and color in my coloring books. It's not like I do anything bad, but I feel like if I had a boyfriend, and from what I have heard, I'd have to consult them about my every move. That's just giving up my freedom and not fun.

2. All my money belongs to me, now being as I gave up my right to parent, I do not have any human dependents and my mom helps me with the care and maintenance of  my cat (which is not much really) I realized a long time ago that I can barely take care of myself, let alone someone else. Every woman I know in a partnership with another person complains about or just plainly states that they give up much of their money to help their partner. I am just now paying off my debts, I have no desire to take on anyone else's or the responsibility for their welfare. I respect that others do it for love, but it seems really very impractical. I know my strengths and I COULD be that woman doing everything for everyone, but if I don't have too, I choose not too.

3. Why I choose not to involve myself in the welfare of someone else? Because they rarely care about me the way I care about them. Usually I am just opening myself up to abuse, as with the case of most of the woman I know who are in long term relationships. Abuse is common and extremely damaging to a person in every way possible.

4. Even if I dated someone and they liked me and were nice to me, I just can not afford it. It's enough that I spend time with a good friend once a month or so. I always consider the cost. Taking off time to go to a friends party means that I am giving up a day of work and that day's pay. I could afford this every six months or so, but not all the time as the case with dating would be. Also with dating there's the cost of looking nice, clothes, makeup, etc.

5. Men expect woman to be perfect while they are lazy slobs and also take for granted all the work they do to 'woo' them. As in make them (or bring them) food and presents, maybe help them clean their home or whatever because a woman sees a mess and cannot let it be, it is just a fact.
I know that my body had many flaws and men give themselves a pass on many of the same body issues that woman are shamed for. If I am not with a man, I can have whatever shape of body I want. I mean, I'm a size 6, but I have stretch marks, veins that pop out, weird brown spots all over my body and floppy skin because I went from a size 19 to a size 6. My feet are just a mess, but I was born with that problem, and even though my complexion is mostly good, I have a weird face and almost never spend any time on my hair (except to shampoo it once or twice a week).
In short, I am fit and healthy, but not a model or anywhere near the standard of beauty that is expected. I like to hide my body and be the only one who likes everything about it. I like being allowed to be ugly as the other old lady swimmers at the pool and not feel guilty about it.

6. Mainly the downsides out weigh the benefits. For the chance at a bit of that madness that people call 'being in love' I am unwilling to give up all that defines me as a independent woman who is not hurting anyone by being single. It probably is a benefit to many that I remain single. I can be the most reliable worker, and devote my life to doing small things for strangers and charities without the excuse that 'I have a 'family' to take care of'

About online dating

In the last 10 years I have been occasionally trying online dating.
Mostly without any success. Just 2 months ago I had 3 dates with a very nice guy who decided never to contact me again for reasons I'll probably never know.

This has been on my mind a while, and I've been really overly focused on it so I figure I should just get out all the things I have learned or experienced from online dating.

1. The guys who I want will rarely message me back, but the guys I couldn't care less about, the young stupid, or just stupid and totally the opposite of everything I want in a man, those guys will always try and contact me, in very bad grammar.
2. Online dating is mostly for cheaters. People who are divorced, or divorcing, people who don't like their current relationships or who were dumped or might soon be dumped.
3. Guys never read the important details if your picture is at all good.
4. If you picture is only OK, they will reject you for any information that seems TMI
(of which I put too much of on all my profiles)
5. Success stories are about 5% of members, most people who do online dating will not find a good partner.
6. Dating sites are bad at keeping out scammers
7. The cost of membership will never be explained, also you might get to do 2-3 'freebie' services like messaging or chat, but then you will suddenly be prompted to pay.
8. Pop-up ads will always feature really sexy woman, and I have my settings on the fact that I am looking for a single man.
9. Short guys are the kindest but the ones I least want, because dude, I'm 5'9. I don't want to bend over to kiss you!!
10. Everyone is either in their 50's or 20's. People in their 30-40's are rare
11. Usually people message you about 2-4 times and that's the end of it, if a date doesn't happen, it's never going to happen.
12. Most of the people who have 'good' profiles are already dating and just 'forgot' their profile was still up.

Reasons why I live with my mom

As an adult I know I should be more independent but I feel as though I mostly am.
Many people act like they are independent adults but actually many of them struggle on their own and never let others know the truth.
So I'm going to state the reasons why for me, living with my mom is better for me.
All reasons are equal and I'm just stating them as I think of them, but I'm going to number them.

1. Rent is negotiable. I work a job that doesn't guarantee that I make the same every month.
Also, I know exactly the cost of all the bills and pay my portion most of the time.
I like being able to pay what I can when I can and not be totally broke all the time.
2. My belongings and person are respected. Every time I have lived in a place that is not my mom house, I have had my belongings and person disrespected somehow. Either by right out theft or destruction or just simply been accused of things that are not my fault. My mom doesn't do either. Most of the time. She did give away a vintage TV I wanted and sometimes confuses her cooking mess with whatever I have done.
3. As much as my mom can be annoying, her accountability helps me be more responsible.
Because of her, I go to bed at a respectable hour, I do my part to clean and take part in other chores.
On my own, I have let milk turn solid, forgotten meat in a microwave for 2 weeks among other things.
4. When I lived on my own, I had this horrible feeling of being alone. My mom had it too, when I wasn't here and would call me and have nothing to talk to me about really. She just was creeped out by being alone.
Now, we don't always talk to each other, but knowing the other in the house somehow gives us both a sense of peace. For my mom, being alone is uncomfortable after almost her whole life having been a parent and a wife, and before that caring for her many siblings. She needs someone she can sort of 'take care of' once in a while as much as she would complain about helping me.
5. My mom and I can work well together, eat most of the same food, watch the same TV shows and really have many of the same social goals. Those being to be a part of the rest of our family, for that it seems we need to have a joint effort. Separate efforts have not worked. Also to encourage faith in daily life.
My mom keeps me from having sex with men just by being someone who I live with.
6. I feel safer and more comfortable in my mom house than I ever have had in any other home.
I have tried to live on my own many times, for almost half my adult life. It does not work and I come away from those experiences having lost more than I ever gained.
7. I am allowed to come and go as I please as long as I tell her where I am and what I am doing.
Being that my mom has my best interests at heart, it's my pleasure to let her know where I am.
Not many people care about me like my mom does, probably no one but Jesus.
8. I get to have a cat and the neighbors don't have loud wild parties at all hours of the night.
They do other things that are annoying, but at least I can expect the slamming of the van doors at 4am only once a day.

Of all these reasons. 4 is the most compelling for me. As much as my mom is not perfect and sometimes treats me with some disrespect. I know she loves me in her own way and always does whatever she can to help me be a better person. I hope I have the same effect on her.

Things I learned from 'Frozen'

Recently I had the chance to see a movie and happened to see 'Frozen'.
I've been thinking about it and I want to list all the things I have learned from watching it.

Given it was a fun movie to watch, and I know that it is a movie and should not be compared to real life, but I'm going to do that anyways.
Facts about the Frozen world.(these are not in order of importance, just as I think of them)

1. Magical ice is extremely strong. I mean, grown men can run on a staircase made of it, even hang from that staircase and it won't crack or anything! Also a grown woman can run on it with ballet flats and not slip or fall but a moose will totally fumble all over the stairs, but again, these stairs made of magical ice won't show any sign of the slightest damage from this activity. Also, a girl turned into this ice by happenstance can shatter a steel sword in a split second. It can also break through walls and destroy any barrier in it's path, but only when emotionally motivated.
2. Child princesses have no need of physical care givers and no need of food or drink most of the time they just run around singing about how much they want to play with snow.
3. If it's suddenly really cold all the time in the town where it used to be all sunshine and flowers, you should stand around in the town square complaining about it instead of staying home and using that brick hole in the wall that has a rack that holds stack of cut wood. You know, a fireplace. Maybe they didn't use them for so long that they forgot how...
4. Horses can understand English and have eyes that face forward. This is actually true for many animated films, but it has always bugged me because they are trying for 'realism' but add silly effects that have no real purpose.
5. It's really upsetting when your sister finds a guy she wants to marry because then the focus is off you and your problem of guilt about lying and hiding your true self.
6. Little sisters love their older sisters unconditionally even when they've been lied too and abandoned, they will still believe only good things about their sister who could kill her with magic by accident.
Or even when she knows she's dying because of what her sister did, still she believes that her sister 'would never hurt her'
7. Being struck by a magic icy blast can give you gray hair, or white hair.
8. Not one person suffers any long term effects from being in cold weather with little protection.
In real life, people would have died, had hypothermia, had frost bite that blackens fingers, toes and noses if they had gone through the same situations in real life.
9. The dumb but honestly good guy who tries to the right thing will eventually be able to do it.
Even when the chances of someone coming back from a half-day's travel in less than 10 minutes are less than impossible.
10. Magically snow can have a real personality and life that never stops, even when it should not be possible, even with the rules of magic in the setting of the world.
11. Being emotionally damaged is super sexy and magical clothes never look bad, or get dirty. The same with hair, even 'messed' up, it is still perfectly shiny and easily styled, in like seconds to the moment of a very important presentation.
12. Singing songs is the best way to communicate an important message. Especially repeating the same words over and over, even when they don't make sense, should make them seem to make perfect sense.
13. Bad guys always have stupid sounding names that give away their true intentions.
14. Family is forever and is the truest form of love, even when the only family left are 2 sisters who don't even seem to mourn for the loss of their parents(IDK what really happened to the king and queen because I had to visit the toilet, so I might ask someone and get back to you.)
15. Trolls are made of moss-covered rocks and have magical healing powers. Or one of them does and the others are just lovable silly people who accept anyone they see.

Gym pet peeves

For the past almost 2 years I have been working out at my local YMCA and I do enjoy many of the activities I do there.
I also have quite a few things to say about my experience and these are my biggest pet peeves.
All are equal in annoying-ness but I'm going to number them anyways.

1. Excuses from others about why they haven't worked out or why they don't want too.
I have known a few people that are really just at the gym to 'hook up'.
Emotional trauma is given as a frequent reason for bailing on workouts, and I don't want to seem mean or unsympathetic, but I have gone through many troubles in my life and none have made me fat except having a baby.
Technically I weighed less after giving birth than I did almost 2 years ago when I signed up to be a member at the Y in September of 2012. I know I weighed about 170-80 lbs after I had Parker, and the summer of 2012 I weighed 215 lbs+ now I weigh 144 lbs on a good day, and only a few pounds more other wise.
So even having a baby isn't really a good excuse for being fat or not working out.
When people say they are lazy they are being honest and that makes them think it's OK, it's still not
2. When people make comments to me that are not based in reality.
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but because I do drop-in classes frequently (2-4 times a week)
I sort of make friends. I like these people and I notice when they are not there in the class with me.
The annoying bit is when the show up after a month or two and say TO ME 'Haven't seen you in a while, been taking a break?" When I am the one who was there every single week at the same time, same day, AND THEY WERE NOT! It's like they are trying to make it seem like I am the lazy one and they are the truly committed to fitness person. Which brings me to the next pet-peeve.
3. People who look great without even trying. Skinny girls with boobs and butts galore and smooth unblemished skin who don't even try as hard as I do while wearing designer workout clothes they claim were really cheap and those clothes just fit them like they were painted on without any bulging or anything.
Meanwhile I am in my too-short 'long' tank top that I covered with second hand athletic t-shirt that is baggy on the top but almost too tight on the bottom and my workout shorts that are baggy in the crotch but create a muffin top at the waist. Technically I am usually 'smaller'(or about the same size) as a whole than these awesome looking people and do the exercises in better form for longer than all of them as well.
It's not fair that I work so hard to be what the pretty girls are normally and they barely try to be better.
4.Weird guys that stare at me or are just 'around' just their existence is worrying.
I mean, they don't usually do anything wrong. They are just that fat, excessively hairy man in the hot tub that when I see him, I'm thinking "oh man, now I can't be in the hot tub because who know if he even wipes his ass when he goes to the bathroom". Or that overly muscled guy that grunts while lifting weights. Or that man that tries to talk to you for no apparent reason. Or the ones who hog the machines and almost break them.
5. The kids and people who just 'hang out' without working out at all.
People that are just in the way of what I want to do bother me no matter where they are, but at the gym I feel like I have a limited time to get my workout done and I don't have the courage to get the loiterers kicked out. Although I've seen them be kicked out, so I must not be the only one who is annoyed by them.
6. Stupid people. People who have no idea what they are doing and even when they get help they don't learn, they don't get it and they don't respect anyone else who does. People who complain about being fat all the time, or people that just use things wrong or hold up a class because they repeatedly claim they can't do something. Truth is that they just aren't trying hard enough. I try to have mercy for them for a while, but most of the time I actually want them to either smarten up or leave. That's what I would do if I were them!

That's all I can think of for now. I might think of more later.

I hope can deal...

Apparently the Internet (and life) is randomly mean to me at the most unexpected times.
Honestly I should be used to this by now. Things work really great and then suddenly for reasons unknown to me the things I count on staying the same change with little or no warning.

Happens all the time. My last remaining Grandparent died on Thursday. I can't afford to go to the funeral, but my sister Steph is going so at least my mom won't be alone(it's her mom that died, she needs to be at that funeral). Cause really when I went to my Grandpas funeral the point was to support my mom, but really Steph is her favorite and they really get along much better than I do with her. I just re-read the posts I made when my Grandpa died in May of 2012 and boy do I sound like a selfish brat, but I'm honest about what I feel. I think that's the idea of blogging.

At times of crisis I find it hard to trust that things will work out OK, but they often do!
I mean, thinking back on that time in May 2012, everything was good. Staying at my Grandpa old apartment, good. Flying there and back, good. I worried for nothing back then, but then isn't worry always for nothing. God already knows everything and He's just waiting for me to calm down so I can see how things are just the way they are supposed to be.

My Grandma funeral will be more special than my Grandpa because everyone knew she was dying for months. Her body just couldn't recover from all the bladder and gallbladder and what else was infected in her stomach anymore. She was in constant pain and nothing made it better, not really anyways.
It's a blessing that she's no longer suffering and everyone is sure that she's with Jesus.
Her faith was something about her that wasn't really 'loud' but obvious none the less.

I'm really glad I had that time with her in May 2012 to know that she was her own brand of totally awesome.
It would have been terrible if I had believe she had really lost her mind. I'll never believe that she forgot anything at this point. Calendars were her 'thing' she knew all the birthdays of her children, grandchildren, and wedding dates too. She was the 'boss' of the family, just her presence made people straighten up and act right, for the most part.

The silly thing is I'll always remember the odd things. For example when she visited us my sister and I would have to practically race her to the chores, because if we didn't get to them, she would be doing them.
Then my mom would be like 'Why are you letting Grandma wash the dishes?! She's on vacation!'
Also we didn't want my mom to be embarrassed to her mom. She wanted to show that she was raising her kids right. Good kids do the chores without being asked and stuff, I guess.

Saw a photo video montage that they are going to play at the funeral. One of my aunties sent it to me.
It's nice, there's a picture of my Grandma doing dishes in this house (which is also my childhood home)
There isn't any pictures of me, but most of the cousins that live in Manitoba. Although there's a picture of my sister Lydia with Tyler and my niece when she was just a baby. I guess the montage had to include some reference to great-grandchildren. My Grandma only met my nieces about 3 times, it's fortunate they got some pictures.

It really sucks that I can't make it to the funeral, but that's life. During my time of being an adult I've learned that things don't always work out they way you hope and you just have to deal with that reality.
When I was a child, my family attended at least 5 funerals out of province and I didn't think that much about the cost, it was just done. Someone in the family dies, you go to the funeral, no matter what.
Reality is that it was my dad that forced us all to go to those events, he felt compelled.

Happenstance really rules my life sometimes. When good things happen, I am usually not the cause or the reason, when bad things, or just uncomfortable things happen, sometimes I get to be part of the 'action' and sometimes I just have to deal on my own with what I feel and think.
I'm really used to just dealing with things on my own. It's simpler and seems easier and less embarrassing.

So soon after Christmas I don't think I can handle being around all the family type people.
I just really want to disconnect from real life and take a break from feeling like my life is not in my control.
Giving up control is the most peaceful thing to do, and usually the right thing to do.
Really the only way I can deal. Just trust God, he knows what I need.

If I can starve for a day or two because I ran out of money, if I can live on less than people are supposed to live on. If I can manage my own emotions without resorting to substance abuse, then I can deal with the internet being snotty about what browser I use and credit cards not updating payment info when they expire and working in a pointless job where I can hurt myself often and being a weirdo who wants to just ignore the world and read a book. I think I need a walk to McD's..

Yeah, I can deal. I have too.
 

Acceptance goes both ways

Today is the day after Christmas and it really went OK for the most part.
Everyone mostly treated everyone else with respect and kindness, even my brother who usually is totally horrible. He didn't give me anything for Christmas but he got the kids cool stuff, so I guess that's what's most important. I've been saying for years that I don't care so much about getting stuff, but I do LIKE getting stuff. For all the money and effort that goes into what I give, I think I should deserve some compensation but I know I should give without actually expecting anything in return.

I already got more than I expected already. Someone from the weird little church near my house put a gift card with an anonymous letter, so that was really my compensation for all the other stuff I burned money on, mostly.

Everyone once in a while there are things and people in life that I can't understand or get past an 'ick' factor. Like this guy friend I once knew is now in common law partnership with his former youth leader (a woman more than a decade older than him, but she looks really young).
Or just the fact that most of my coworkers do not know or spend any time with their siblings(or any other blood related family) for any reason, not even Christmas.


But I should be more understanding that most, after all I am usual myself being a birth mom in an open adoption. Most people cannot understand that, or that I am still 'friends' with Jacob (birth dad).
There are many times that I don't really understand it myself, I just live it. I can't explain how it works, it just does, most of the time.

I mean, I know I should be feeling terrible about not being normal, but I really don't care that I'm not normal because I feel healthy this way. My choices have seemed to lead to many good things for my son, and I won't ever regret that just because I 'should' be his mom. Sometimes I feel guilty for not at least trying, and I do miss him and wish I could show more people how awesome the baby I gave birth too is getting all the time, but that's not necessary.

What's necessary is that everyone feels loved and is healthy. I try to show I care about others in what I give them, even if they don't care that I care about them.

Someday I'll be more comfortable with alternate realities like Sunday School Teachers marrying their students and people with beautiful lives divorcing and old boyfriends wanting to befriend me and such. Just as people hopefully will become more comfortable with the idea that love does not always look the way you think it should.

My 'Don't Care' is at 100%

It seems like everyone thinks that being part of a couple should be the main goal of your life, but I don't.
To me it's just way too much effort for pain and suffering.
Right now, as a unmarried woman, I am comfortable with my existence.

Each time I have been a part of a romantic relationship(with 2 males(different times, years apart), I am heterosexual) it has meant some exciting times, paired with the most devastating effects on my life ever.

Risking my life is no longer worth the trouble. Even though I dabble in online dating, even chatting up really interesting profiles, I know nothing will happen because I will make sure and shut it down before anything serious happens.

The fantasy of a good husband who has gentle sex with me and lets me read as much as I want while providing for some of my basic needs (shelter, food, etc) is just a fantasy.
In realty, all relationships have ever done is take away from all my basic needs and torture me with abuse.
I'm not anxious to open myself to abuse, I feel loved by God and that's more than enough love.

Honestly! I think all these weird stories of woman crying about being 'single' are stupid and annoying.
I'm not crying about being single, I never have and I never will. I cry about my dignity being stripped from me because a selfish man wants to make me feel bad because he feels stupid or weak.

Really I have better things to do than make a man feel good about himself at my expense.
Men have rarely make me feel good about myself, even if they have, they take it back and then some so any nice things they ever did for me are less than worthless.

My self esteem comes from my faith and my hope is in Jesus, the only one who really loves me completely. I mean, some people might think they honestly care about me, but they will never know me like the one who made my every cell and has my life in His total control.

I believe that as I continue to surrender to my Lord, the more freedom I will have and I will never need to seek out a male companion.

There may actually be a man out there who's supposed to be with me or to whom I would be a good companion, but that man is too lazy and stupid to find me, so it's his loss.

I'm good by myself. I don't care what others think anymore.
I really wish I could go back to my teenage self and tell her to stop caring what other people think because what they think is all worthless and isn't worth the effort of the worry.

I like enjoying my life doing whatever I want. I really don't want to do bad things.
Having the freedom to give to charity and to focus on loving the world of people that need love is better that loving a man who's supposed to love you and is probably just using you to fulfill his selfish wants and not caring a damn about your needs or anything.

My Melancholy

There are probably many people who would disagree with me but I know I have depression.
I believe I've felt depressed almost my whole life. Probably because my mom and I didn't bond well at birth or something or I was just born with a chemical make up that makes me feel like killing myself often.

Honestly it's a miracle that I don't jump in front of a train or try too everyday, because I often feel like I should. I feel guilty for existing because when I really think about it, there is noone that really cares about me.
I mean there are bunches of people who sort of care about me and would be hurt if I did actually kill myself.

Also angels hold me back from doing it. God gave me life, I gave my life to God in faith and I doubt that I have the power to override God's will and His will is for me to be alive and effect the world around me.
Well, at least be someone who doesn't make anyone's life harder for being around. At least I hope not.

I have a right to my feelings. Even when I feel the negative messages overwhelming me about how imperfect I am and how rude I am and how I am ugly and so on and so on.

Recently I wrote a poem for my experience at YMCA and the fitness instructor hasn't emailed me back so now I'm totally second-guessing my decision to even write a poem. I really kind of like it. I changed it a bit and I worry that it's really weird and that it will be seen as stupid. All because she didn't email me back yet. But it's only been a few hours. Seriously, she probably has a ton of email. She probably hasn't even looked at her messages since I sent that poem to her.

Maybe it would be for the best if she didn't post it or like it. Other people are probably more 'inspiring' than I am...
This is my struggle. I feel like I'm worthless even when people tell me I'm not. I can't even believe them.
I'm glad I have faith. I know God meant to make me and I have to focus on how perfect God's love for me is not because I'm perfect but because He is.

So not me...

For some strange reason I'm becoming a girly-girl somehow. I mean, I'm becoming what is not 'normal' for me or has not been for most of my life. I mean, I go through fazes like everyone where I try something new for a while. For example when I was 18-20 I wore makeup, lots of makeup, and now I usually don't wear anything but some thick skin cream once in a while, when I remember or my face feels stiff from swimming in chlorine at the YMCA.
Anyways, I most often do not care about the current fashion trends as long as I don't look horribly 'off' in what I have chosen to wear. I mean, I try to be decent and unique.
I think my compulsion to be 'unique' has started me make me seek out over-the-top lady looks that really I would usually say are 'not my style'.
What I mean is recently I broke the glasses I had since Parker was born(8yrs). I sat on them by accident. I glued them together a few times, but they were really ratty. The paint on them was coming off and they were all scratched from using paper towels and other stupid stuff to clean them. My new glasses are kind of old lady style now

Where as my old glasses(me in the banner) were black and simple. These ones are purple and have fake 'bling' on the side. And I feel like they make me look a bit richer. Probably not. They were the most unique frames in the place in bought them from. I had just gone through and looked at a couple walls of 'simple' designer frames that were out of my price range and then the sales guy showed me these and they were much less then I expected to pay so I was all excited to buy them.
Now I think I might have made a silly choice. Just like my recent clothes purchases. I started working at a thrift store a couple months ago and they actually have some really neat stuff. Some of it with original tags on it and smelling like it has never been worn. So I bought 2 party dresses. A red one and a black one. Also some skinny jeans and a belt with a buckle that is totally sparkly(really only because I couldn't find anything more simple or better that fit) This is mostly because in the last 8 months I've lost about 60 pounds working out and eating mostly fruits and veggies. Putting on these clothes makes me feel a sense of victory that I CAN control my life even though much of the time I feel like I'm not really in control, but I'm trying really really hard and surrendering the rest to God, or it all to God when I feel like the world hates me, or realize it really does.
I've only done this 'life' change of losing weight because so many people discouraged me from losing weight. Telling me that I was fine the way I was... blah, blah, blah all the while talking about losing weight themselves and I thought, if they're doing it, I should be allowed to do it too. Whenever people tell me I can't do something, I have to prove them wrong. Even if they don't even care or remember me or by happenstance have any contact with me and are unlikely to notice or like that I've lost all my excess weight and they haven't. It's become one of my biggest pet peeves. People who only talk about achieving a goal and act like they are doing something to get it done, but really they are doing as little as they can so that they can say that they tried, but really they didn't give it all the effort they could have because it wasn't comfortable or easy.
I hate it when people think being comfortable all the time is important. I mean, I love being comfortable most of the time too, but I know that being uncomfortable sometimes is a reality that I have to accept.
I know that not everyone(or 99% of the world) is going to like me at all. It hurts my feelings, yes, but I expect to be rejected, not because I think I'm horrible, just because I know I'm incredibly unique and people are selfish, they don't want to learn new things or know someone who is too different from themselves, even if the ways that I'm different than them will teach them to live better.
I know that I'm gonna crave unhealthy food so I stock as much good food as possible(apples, avocados, spinach and frozen veggie mix galore!) so that I have something to eat that makes me so full that I forget that I even wanted that Boston Creme from Timmie's or those puffy cheesies(although I have eaten a few, moderation is the key to not gaining weight!)
I know exercise is gonna make me sore and tired, I would be annoyed if it didn't! That's the whole point, to make my body hurt in just the right way so that muscles will burn up most of the calories and also grow and make me have a bunch of energy I didn't have before I lost all this weight.
Really I still feel like a fatty, it's hard for me to believe I really got thinner, even though I know from the fact that most of my clothes are too big for me now.
I worry that this change of size is impacting my personality too much. I want to stay the super logical silly crazy lady that I've been for so long. I don't want to turn into a vapid party girl who goes ga-ga over sparkly stuff. This is probably just a faze for me. I hope I'll stay or get even fitter than I am now, but I don't want to be so weirdly obsessed with looking like a lady by wearing sparkly purple glasses and party dresses. Oh, I also bought a couple(purple and brown) shiny blouses too, they are size small and they fit me! I can't remember ever fitting a size small anything. Even though they have longish sleeves I think they are party clothes because they are from a designer store(I got them at the thrift store I work at for $4).
I don't know why I can't resist buying these things, it's really pointless because I never go out and really like being alone to read. Although I do wish a nice decent guy would ask me out so I could show the world that I'm awesome at doing whatever I put my mind to. Losing weight or whatever.

Do Or Do Not, There Is No Try....

 

Documentries are movies too

They are making a movie of your life. Tell us all about it! Is it a drama? Action flick? Rom-com? Which star will play you?



Participating in this BlogHop thing could be good for me. I've been lagging a bit, not feeling up to really being part of a group writing thing because everyone is so much better at it and have so much shinier blogs and lives and stuff.

Still I actually think about this question from time to time. What would my life look like if it could be made into a movie. First off, it would be a documentary in the style of those 'intervention' shows. Not that I have any addictions, but honestly I envy some of those people on shows like that. They somehow get a whole bunch of people to be super interested in someones life enough to pay for a therapy vacation because all is not well!! Or like one of those "Who Do You Think You Are?" shows. A cross between those too film styles.

I won't have an actress play me, even though people say I look like Zooey Deschanel or Reese Witherspoon. I don't see it and I doubt that they would be interested in playing boring old me.

My life story in film form would have show that I was more social than I feel I am, what with being a part of the choir(singing solos) and the writing club and even starting a club of my own with my high school boyfriend(for Christians... it didn't work out). Even having a high school boyfriend and remaining a virgin would probably seem unbelievable to most seeing that I am a birth mom now.

I've documented much of my life in journals and they would be able to provide some drama in the form of misunderstandings with coworkers and witnessed domestic violence as well as struggles with depression and times of fervent faith that likely offended many.

Not the type of stuff movies are usually made about, but a long, over wrought story of my life told by family friends and myself is the only type of movie that I could imagine. I don't have a great imagination honestly.
Only when I read books. I can't come up with anything unique on my own.  

What I've learned from my favorite TV shows

I like many shows, but I do have certain favorites. Grimm, Amazing Race, Modern Family, Suburbia and Two Broke Girls to name a few and to say the least, the lives on the shows are not reality. Because reality would be really boring, or mostly boring.

What I learned from Grimm
-If you are in pain, break stuff. That wooden chair just behind you will break with just a squeeze of your hand. Just knock all those expensive vases down. All the glass will disappear in a jump cut 20 seconds or less later and only one guy will vaguely mention there being a 'mess'
- It's totally OK to make a mess because your mad or upset
- the best conversations happen while you are punching someone in the gut or otherwise kicking their asses. That's when you get to know all the important details.
- Don't worry about your injuries, even if you almost die you will pretty much all better by the next morning, if not the next jump cut. Maybe you'll have a few scratches and groan while holding your side and planning your next moves to take down the bad guys.
- Almost everyone is secretly a monster, even children and child monsters have no qualms about killing people if their feelings are hurt by some slight rejection.(I can't have the candy?! YOU WILL DIE NOW!!)
- Monsters only show their monster faces when they are really emotional, otherwise they look like humans and believe and act and live like your average next door neighbor.
- Everything you need to know is written by hand or in some thousand year old book. Although sometimes you can use the internet to find out what the bad guys look like in human form.
- Magic potions contain really gross stuff that changes color so you know there's magic in it.
- Night time is when most of the action happens, day time is for taking naps.
- You will always find the exact solution to your problem in about 3 days or less
- The bad guys are always planning to kill you, even if you think you've got them, more are always coming.

Now what I learned from Amazing Race

-People get tunnel vision and can't see the most obvious clues when they are hyped up on adrenaline
-The married couples never win because they can't stop fighting about every little stupid detail
-Brother and sister teams always win because they understand how to work together and usually sisters know that giving your brother the power to make most of the decisions usually makes him let you decide things.
-Twins are annoying and never win because they probably have depended on their charm to get them through life and the game is all about thinking for yourself, not charming the world.
-Road markers should be the hardest things to find and be the smallest signs possible so that all the people in the show waste time and energy running around looking for them while the jump cut make scary music to show that once again, the road marker was not seen and now the people are hopelessly lost
- Participants are so used to doing ridiculous things they will accidentally take food from a random resident of a foreign country and play with it while the man tries to tell them he doesn't know what the heck they are doing in his backyard
-Swearing is not allowed but barely bleeped and silly sayings and behavior will get you cut into the opening credits and previews.
-Some people give up before even trying and other people don't know when they should give up and still other people keep going even when they are horribly injured
-Phil will always be waiting for you. He's everywhere, like God. And I don't know how he gets to that mat and looks so calm, as though he's not really human
- The companion Phil has by his side at the mat will always be the most extreme representation of culture possible
- Phil is magic and always says the right thing to everyone and everyone always loves him when he raises an eyebrow.

That's all for now, I'll add more later.

   

Can you out grow open adoption?

This is a thought that came to me the other night.

In my life I feel there are many situations and relationships that I have 'out grown' or at least, the other parties did, or things changed and made it unreasonable to expect a continued relationship.

For example, I decided to leave my mothers church(when I was 16), the church I grew up in, because the doctrine was not what I needed it to be, as well there was no real productive use for me within the community.
Now, there was things I could participate in, but I could not in good conscious because of the errors I saw in the basics of the church's practices and doctrine. I felt I had learned new things in different ways that made the things I had accepted before unacceptable. So I moved on, to churches that were much more attune to the details I craved to know and understand and was also able to be an important part of the activities in good conscious knowing that I could support them without compromising my convictions.
Would it be fair to say that I 'out grew' my mothers church. At this time, I know that they are starting to make important changes, but far to slowly for me. I feel like another species of Christian when I have tried to visit the church of my childhood. It is a place that is foreign to me now.

As we physically grow, we naturally out grow many things, both socially and emotionally too.
The things I loved as a child are not all the same things I love now, although a few things remain constant.

The friends I had in school are likely very nice people, but I am no longer friends with most of them just because life goes on. People get jobs, or move or find other groups or places to belong and then it just awkward to try and keep that connection with a former classmate/teammate/coworker/etc.
It makes more sense to me to wish them well and not expect another response or contact, but if one were to happen, it would be welcomed, of course! It's just that I don't think it's emotionally healthy to try and stay friends with all the people you've been friends with. Sometimes it's better to just let them go without any hard feelings, just knowing that they've developed a life that doesn't need you. While that can be a tough reality, it is reality.

I know family is supposed to be this one constant thing, but I think families change constantly as well.
Children grow, parents find new social groups at work or church, etc and the connections to family can seem like an extra job that's not entirely needed.
There are likely millions of people who need to be reminded to contact their parents once in a while because in our grown up lives, talking to our parents might be the last thing we think of doing. Same goes for other family, cousins and aunts and uncles, etc that we have grown up with and had wonderful times with are no longer a part of our adult lives, not because we don't care about them, but because our lives have 'moved on' from the carefree times of childhood.

Part of me, even being a birth(first)mom actually likes it when an adoptive parent says they 'forget' that they didn't give birth to their adopted child. It's not that I want them to forget me. I want them to see their adopted child as if they always belonged with them. I want this because it seems to have an attitude of more permanence. Like the feeling that most people have about people in their lives they can't imagine life without.
That feeling that the people they care about were always a part of their lives, whether or not such a feeling is logical, that doesn't matter to me. I just want adopted children to be as taken for granted as natural family usually is. I am not sure that adopted people want to be reminded that they are adopted, they probably don't need that, they need unconditional acceptance and not to be expected to be thankful for their inclusion into their family.

I just feel there comes a point in time when a relationship takes more effort than reward or necessity.
I know that Parker needs to know who I am, and he does. Why do I need to keep bugging him with visits and semi-annual reminders that he came from me and not his adoptive mom. Maybe he should be allowed to forget that he is adopted too. That's another thing, I find it amusing when adopted people activity compare themselves to their adopted family just as many other average people do. I like it when people find the ways they are the same and not the ways that they are different.

For life to be lived well, change is vital. Change means growth, personal or otherwise. If a change that benefits an adoptive family is subsiding from being in contact with a birth(first)family, maybe that would be a good idea. If a birth(first)mom like myself who loves her birth son, but needs to focus on her future needs to take time away from contact, etc maybe that would be a positive change as well. I don't want to be constantly waiting for a picture, a visit, etc. Even when those things happen, I want it to be more natural, not forced. If it happens, it happens, if not, that's OK, it's not the end of my world. I don't want to focus on bringing to life a relationship that is futile at best because my son's adoptive family have a rich social, emotional, and spiritual life and my involvement is not at all necessary to create a well-balanced young man out of my son. Of that I am sure. He is now old enough for me to see the kind of person he can be for his whole life. He knows everything he needs to know, and can ask if he wanted to know anything else, but I highly doubt that will happen.

I've seen many people I care about change and grow, or better and for worse and many times staying in relationship with them does little to no good for either myself or the others.

   

Reasons I think smoking is gross

This is probably going to be a very offensive post for some readers. If any read my blog at all(sometimes a handful probably come here my mistake) but it's been in my mind for a while and I want to unleash the thoughts I have about this.

Recently I decided not to continue to pursue a candidate on a dating website because he is a smoker.
Even though everything else was perfect, finding this out about this person makes him someone I do not want to know. I know enough smokers, and while I respect that they have this horrible habit. I didn't know that when I befriended them.

That's reason number one.

1) Smokers have this secret life that non-smokers rarely witness. It always feels like rejection when a person chooses something over me. Not that I need all the attention or anything. It just seems unfair that a costly addiction should be more important than the person that is me. Also it seems unfair that friendships are made with the experience of this addiction. Often it was peer pressure that lead smokers to light up and now they all have this universal club that I can't be a part of because I don't want to participate in the costly addiction.
So when a smoker says to me(as a person who will never smoke) that they won't smoke in front of me because they know it bothers me, it just means that I'm excluded from what seems like a very important part of their life.
2)It costs too much, both in money paid for the actual product and health costs in the future. I know many smokers rationalize the cost in comparing it to other costs that people have, but none of the other things they mention have ever been proven to cause Cancer. Also, the actions of others should never be used to justify your own. Even if you can afford to buy a Cancer-causing product, there are many more useful things that could be done with that money.
3)It's messy. No matter how much a smoker cleans up. Or thinks they don't smell bad, they do, and they always will. It is a habit that leaves mess no matter how 'clean' you try to be. I will never understand why smokers think it is OK to toss something on fire, that has been in their mouth, on the ground. It's just as bad as spitting on the ground, which makes me want to puke every time. The fact is that cans and jars of cigarette butts are one of the most disgusting things to see. As a child though, I once tried to eat them apparently. I don't remember doing this, but my mom does, and it must have been a rude awakening for me. Smokers who breathe out their last puff while entering a bus or building are actively polluting those places(a bus is a place, to me). I would rather smell 3 day old sweat on a homeless man than breathe the air that has that yucky stale smoke smell.
4)I have witnessed more than a few close friends and family, who were against developing any addiction, become addicted as a result of long time familiarity with anyone with an addiction, smoking or otherwise.
I know that I limit my time around people who have addictions because I know I am not that strong, I can't resist forever the urge to 'belong' by joining in, no matter how bad the consequences of the activity. Which is why I walk away before I face too much temptations. I know my conscious will make me feel terrible for destroying myself and I want to be true to myself. Smoking seems to destroy people, not just physically, but socially and emotionally and spiritually. As with any addiction, it takes over, like the Cancer it causes, till there is no person there at all, just an addiction.

I know this is all very harsh, and I know many good people are also smokers, but I can't help but feel that what they are doing is very illogical and I like to be as logical as possible.

bloghop2 Quotation

We thought it might be fun to also get to know one another in a more lighthearted way through a good old-fashioned blog hop! You don’t need to be listed on the OAB blogroll to participate–everyone is welcome.
We had a great time with our first blog hop in January. Our second blog hop will be tomorrow (Wednesday). How do you play along?
Do you have a favorite quotation?

OH yes I do. It's from the last Mother Teresa

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

I love it because it means that even if I can't do impressive stuff, that doesn't mean I'm powerless.

What goes around comes around

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

How did you talk to your extended family about open adoption prior to adopting/placing? How did they respond? For those with non-receptive family members, were you able to have more successful discussions with them post-adoption?




When I decided to make an adoption plan for my unborn son I had the privilege of having known a birthmom with a very open adoption. It was really her example(unintentional by her admission) that showed me that what open adoption could be like with visits and being a part of each others lives like extended family. So... with this in mind I looked through and found what I believed was the pre-adoptive couple that had the most positive attitude towards openness in their profile(believe it or not some couples actually state that they are uncomfortable with contact after placement, but it's good to be honest) and had to talk everyone into my idea of open adoption, even my son's birth dad, Jacob(especially so)

To this day my family is unwilling to participate activity in the open adoption I experience.
They could have come with me to visit him with me, I asked and Parker's adoptive parents were fine with the idea of my family coming to see them all, but they claim so many weak excuses that I've given up asking if they want to come with me to a visit.

I do appreciate that they listen when I talk about him, but often they have little patience for anything I talk about, not just my son, but my personal interests and experiences all seem to be of little or no interest to them. My sister and mom put out pictures of him together with all the others of my nieces and nephews(and my sisters nephews and niece so he is a part of the family 'landscape' so to speak.

But often, when I talk about him, excited about something I just learned, he lost a tooth, he has joined a karate club or even that he got sick or was bullied at school or even when I show them pictures at first the expressions on their faces are blank confusion and my mom will often ask "Who is that boy?"
Maybe she thinks I'm talking about a child I cared for at church or a child of a friend or something like that, and then when I explain they suddenly roll their eyes and get that bored look on their faces as if they want to say "This again!! Aren't you done with all this stuff?" Not that they would ever say that, it's just their attitude.

Anything that is not a tactile part of their lives seem completely irrelevant to my family for the most part.
I understand, I often live this way too, finding it hard to care about things that don't directly effect me, but I realize that is a bad attitude and I'm working on changing that about myself.
It's obviously too much work to actually involve themselves in my life or anything my life is about, they are far too wrapped up in their own troubles to pay attention to me, for the most part.

My sister who is a mother(I have 2, one just lives with a guy, but one is married with 3 kids) seems to have slightly more patience for listening to me talk about Parker, but that was mostly in the beginning. Now there are issues in her life that seem to prevent her from remembering to care about anyone else but herself, and sometimes her kids. Such is life, it's hard for me to get people to care about what I care about.
It has always been that way for me, and even though it will always bother me, it's nothing new.

I have to say, even though the question was about family, the response from coworkers was even worse than plain disinterest. Many of the older people I worked with were actually opposed to the idea of open adoption and thought it damaging to both me and my sons adoptive family. They were quite narrow minded in that respect. So I guess I should be grateful that my family isn't opposed to open adoption, they don't care what I do, as long as they don't have to do anything but maybe put out a few pictures and listen to me for a while. They may think it's pointless to continue visiting my son when I can't be his mom, but they think much of what I do is pointless(even stupid ... ie: my christian faith) and I think much of what they do is also pointless and stupid(ie: buying expensive things they can't afford, investing in get-rich-quick schemes, etc)
So.. it goes both ways I suppose and is much the way my family might always be.

The things that shock me

Roundtable #42: Sickness, Injury & Open Adoption

Think about a time when your child has been injured or sick (or for adoptees, when you have been injured or sick). Did adoption change or complicate that experience at all? Did you share it with others in your adoption constellation?  You might write about an actual experience you have had or think about what you ideally would want to have happen.


I don't know if this counts as an 'illness' but recently I found out(by my sons adoptive moms own status post) that he's being bullied. For some reason that didn't bother me, but then a friend of hers commented 'Is this since he got glasses' and this is what shocked me.
Both myself and Jacob(birthdad) have glasses, but neither of us got them until after puberty and oddly enough our vision impairment is about equal, just enough to need glasses.
I hoped that my son would not have to have glasses, and I of course I didn't expect that he would be needing them so soon(he is only 6!).

Of course there were a few times in the last 6 years where I learned of illness through his adoptive mom and she always seemed to point it out like it was a joke or something really annoying as in 'Oh geez.... he's sick again, this is cramping my style!'
While I do like her quirky sense of straightforwardness in things, sometimes I am not sure how to take it and feel immediately offended by her brief vague and almost insulting comments whenever her/my son is sick.(which is not often and not serious)
I know she has never meant to offend, and I don't think she realizes that she has offended me because I know that sharing that she offended me would only make me seem petty and oblivious as well as judgmental towards her parenting style. Being as I have no parenting experience myself, to say something about her vague comments about my son's illnesses. Which have usually been mentioned long after the illness is gone or when it is almost done. He hasn't had anything serious that I know of, and that's the key phrase 'that I know of' because I rarely get to know everything that has really happened. Oh I get the important stuff. She did seriously talk to us(Jacob and me) about my/her sons ADD behavior and a couple other minor development issues.

I mean, I know that she takes excellent care of him and knowing what I know about my son, I now know that he seems to get over illness with minimal effort.  I just wish she was more broken hearted when things go wrong for him. She seems more broken hearted when her daughter(who was born to her) has something go wrong than she does for her/my son. She is a good mom, I know this and I won't let a few quirky comments continue to offend me when I realize now that she didn't mean them as seriously as I view them.
The fact is that I'm more shocked now by a random vague comment like "oh ... he was so cuddly when he was sick with fever. He never cuddles me otherwise" Than by a serious talk about ADD or bullying.
I'm a strange quirky one too, I just wish that my son's adoptive mom would see how similar in personality we are and be a close friend to me so that I can hear more than just vague random comments that I take out of context in my imagination and get offended by.
If we were close friends I think that I would know more about the details of worry and see my son's adoptive moms mother-heart-of-love and then I wouldn't be so shocked to learn he needs glasses at 6 years old. Right now I see a energetic great mom, but I know it's not the whole story.

my pet peeves as a retail worker

There are many things that customers do in stores that are totally unacceptable from my POV as a worker in said retail store.
For example, when people are shopping and they select a number of items, and then when they are a distance away from where they gathered those items, suddenly decide that they don't want to buy them but they also don't want to bring them back to where they belong.
This is frustrating because if one person did it, no big deal, but it's the norm rather than the exception.
It's as if one stupid person decides that it's just too much work to put that container of yogurt back in the cooler and leaves it in the book section of the store. Not just on a shelf, but shoved behind some expensive large reading material so that the yogurt and the expensive book are both destroyed and unsaleable. Anyways, someone sees this person do this and justifies their own actions of leaving those shoes they tried in the middle of the floor(all ten pairs) or worse yet, opening a box of cookies and eating one or two, and leaving the rest of the box in a place where someone else steps on it and now it's a big mess.

People seem to have little respect for discount retail stores in particular, as if giving you a great deal gives permission to destroy the merchandise. Maybe they would understand better if I told them a story.

Say I came to your house, because you invited me, and I didn't like the food you gave me, but instead of putting it in your trash bin, I stuffed it in your couch cushions. Or say I decided to help myself to whatever I wanted from your cupboards without asking and often leaving a mess behind. You would think me a bratty child that has no manners at all. This is what you are being when you treat a private retail store with disrespect. It reflects badly on you.

Don't think that the workers don't know who did what, when people do things often, it is actually really obvious who the culprits are in most of the horrible actions of willful destruction and thoughtless acts.

I just wonder sometimes, it is too much to ask that people respect things that do not belong to them and could belong to others? 

What's my favorite place?

I like a whole bunch of places in my mom's house, where I live(we live like roommates and pay equally for bills most of the time).
I like the kitchen when the sunlight is filling it and the table is the perfect height for writing/reading/eating/etc, but the chairs are not too comfortable..
I like my bedroom because it contains all the resources my mind craves, books, my laptop, my clothes, etc, but it's cold in here(due to malfunctioning furnace)
I like the laz-i-boy chair in the living room and seeing all the pictures there makes me feel comforted, but it doesn't have all that either the kitchen or my bedroom has..

... so I like almost every room, but not any is really my 'favorite'

Open Adoption Blog Hop #1

Winding down...

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them. 
Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Are you approaching openness differently in 2013? What experiences from in the past year influenced you most?


Am I approaching openness differently?? Maybe, different as in not at all. Well not as aggressively as I could be. I could be messaging my son's adoptive mom every week, asking for a visit. I could be worrying more about it. The fact it that I've become somewhat ambivalent about my whole situation. I'm not sure if I want to push for visits because well, shes(adoptive mom) has been pretty good with the posting of pictures on face book and such. I mean, I know things like he lost two bottom front teeth and that he threw up at school and several of his antics at home and elsewhere through the glory of social network that I previously mentioned.

Honestly, I want to stay as harmless looking as possible. As well, as I have started to pursue things in life, fitness being a big one(got a YMCA membership and boy, do I use it!). I've also tried to focus inwardly, on my own emotional and spiritual health and in doing so, I kind of sometimes 'forget' that I want to know my one and only son because I just trust that if his adoptive parents see it fit not to involve me as much as they have before, then I should respect and honor that decision.

Also, the past about 3-4 visits have become a bit awkward as my son seems to have little interest in connecting with myself or even his half-brothers and Jacob.
I read a blog a while back that seemed to call me out on certain specific things I have written about before, in years past. When comments that specific are made, even if they don't directly mention me, I kind of know that that one half of the sentence, that was about how I'm a horrible person for wanting to visit my son because it means I'm abandoning him again and again and have done so far too many times. The fact that I probably stated somewhere that it's OK with me if my son is upset with me for choosing an adoption plan for him(in the future), that made me out as a sadist that thinks it's OK if children are hurt by the actions of an adult.

So, in light of that idea, at this point, I'm hoping that my son decides to ask to see me, because he is a very intelligent boy now. Says far more large words than other kids his age, even though his lack of co-ordination and the fact that he has a short attention span that seems to point to ADD(which I and Jacob have, really wish that wasn't so heritable!).  Two years ago, his adoptive mom told me that he pointed me out on the Christmas postcard picture I sent them, and the fact that he could point to a picture and say "That's Cindy, she's my birthmom" that was the first nail in the coffin for my desire for visits. Because my goal in visiting was to make myself known. I often told myself, if my son knows who I am, then the reason for visiting is void.
Unless of course, he actually asks to see me. I feel terrible about the idea that I could have been 'forcing' him to see me all these years, and that's one of the biggest changes. I'm not going to force anything anymore.

Openness used to mean that I "get to see him". At least, that's how many of the people who know about the fact that I have a son seem to address openness in relationships(be it adoption or separated parents or extended family/friends that live far away). They are of the more old-fashioned crowd, but even younger folks tend to think that if you don't see a person IRL then you are not really a part of their life.
I get to be a part of gift giving and even though my gifts are rarely the ones he favors, I still know that he knows that they are from me because in past visits, when I enter their home, one of the first things that my son sometimes tries to do is round up all the things I have previously given him. If that doesn't show he knows they are from me, I don't know what would.

I think of openness in a more varied sense. For me it has become knowing about the facts of his daily life.
Like knowing the costumes he wore for Halloween, or seeing the ginger bread house he made(with help from adoptive dad, uncle, and cousin) or knowing that he is still taller then everyone his age, in his class, and in his family. Knowing the little facts that come about on social media give me peace that his life is far far far better than I could have even imagined for him. Just knowing about his life is openness now when previously, I felt as though visiting was paying so sort of social debt I had toward my relationship with my son.

I don't know exactly what made me change my attitudes so much. Part of it is that I just have lost my courage and confidence in seeing myself as an important part of my son's life.
The opinions of adopted persons, who seem very very very opposed to openness also make me feel too guilty to assert that I know there are benefits and the benefits often out weigh most of the cons that they propose. The fact is that many things I have read discourage me from trying harder. I feel that in just a few years, if face book died(or when face book dies) the last link of openness that I enjoy will be gone too, and I will probably be OK with that happening because I've known so much over the last 6 years. Maybe I have been too greedy and ending this unsatisfying relationship would be a relief and I can go on improving myself at the gym and my soul and mind in other ways, without being so obsessed about my sons life.

Honestly I will always think about him everyday, I have his pictures on my desk and in my purse.
All I want to do is for him to want to know me so that the weird dream I sometimes have of him randomly showing up at my front door can somehow come true and that's when I will feed him, take care of him for a day, and send him back home like I always imagine. But that's just a strange dream that will likely never happen.

What I have to accept is that I am not important to my son at this point. The time for teaching him who I am is likely almost done and unless I'm wrong about that, I have to work on moving on and living to the best of my ability with the peace that comes from trusting that my son is doing well, he doesn't need me at all because I've given him the best family possible(they are actually better than I could have ever known)