Father's Day is coming up soon, and it makes me feel terrible, not because my Dad is dead, because I'm actually totally OK with him being gone from my life. I made peace with the fact that I will probably not see him till I too, meet my maker.
The way that Father's Day makes me feel sad is selfish, and horrible. I feel sad about it because I can't join in with it, I have no real reason to buy a card or whatever. I mean, I could buy a card for Jacob, or Parker adoptive Dad, James, or even for my brother in law, Tyler, but the fact that I can't buy one for my actual Dad.
Well, I could, but it would be pointless because he isn't physically around.
I am freaky in the belief that part of my Dad's spirit lives in me, and that because I have Jesus in my heart, and I know that my Dad is with Jesus, then my Dad is with me too. Did you follow that?? Maybe not, but I'll just continue.
So, I feel like a person who doesn't have something that everyone else kind of has, at least, what everyone I encounter most of the time has, a living human being that they can call 'Dad'.
I don't have one, and it makes me sad, in a selfish, 'I wanna be like everyone else' kind of way.
I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I am jilted and denied a luxury, when I should be missing my Dad.
Honestly, I can't imagine my Dad being a part of my life, well, I can, just a little bit, but at this point, I actually wouldn't want him as part of my life, if he were alive.
Things in my life have worked out well partly because he died. If he had not died, then I would have had trouble moving back home, or living at home, because there wouldn't have been room for me, as well my mom would have been even more impossible than she is now. It would have been a different experience, and it is unlikely that I would have had a relationship with Jacob had my Dad been alive when I met Jacob because I wouldn't have had all the time alone at home if my Dad were around, and Jacob would not have been able to seduce me like he did. If my Dad were alive, Jacob would have probably never tried to be with me in the first place. Maybe that would have been a nice thing to have happen, but it didn't, and I can't imagine things happening differently now, well, it's very difficult to imagine a different life now.
Many things in my life that I am used to now would have not happened, if my Dad were alive.
Not that him being alive would have been a bad thing, it just would have been a different things to be used to.
I used to be mad about my Dad being taken from me, but now I am actually glad that he doesn't have to endure my mom and her constant nagging and impossible-ness. He's lucky in that way.
I know God is in control and everything happens the way that it's supposed too, according to His will, so it's easy to accept the loss of my Dad as a person, but as a social status, it's gets harder for me.
There is already so much about me that makes it hard for me to fit in, it frustrates me that even something as simple as basic family structure (having two parents, etc) is something I can't even aspire too.
Also, for someone like me, that likes to give simple gifts to people I care about, I feel frustrated that I can't even buy a card.
Although Father's Day is almost a forgotten holiday, the only way I remember it is because I work in a store, in a mall, and stores and malls use every single little holiday to try and make you buy! Buy! BUY! Just anything they can make you buy. I'm just a too easily swayed towards buying things that most people don't even care about.
Every year wonder if I should send James a card, or wish Jacob a pleasant Father Day.
Then I am stuck in the usual, 'I didn't do it last year, or the year before, it might be weird to start now'
I am a procrastinator, there are so many things I regret not doing, and feel like it's too late to do them, so then I still don't do them.
I wanted to go to my Dad's grave, but that always seems pointless, I know he is not there, not the part of him that matters, his spirit, that's already with me, and with Jesus. Still, it might be nice to look at the very expensive grave stone that somehow, has the date of birth wrong(my mom's fault). I'm sure that the people who manage the grave stones probably wish that families came more often, but it's just too far for me to go, and my mom always makes excuses about having to do other things. Oh well...
I should be glad that my grief over my Dad seems to have dissipated for most part.
I mean, I feel a twinge of pain here and there when I think of little things that it seems like would have be interesting to have him involved, like my sister's wedding, or the growth of his grandchildren.
It might seem crazy, but I actually think he can see all this, I doubt that heaven has the kind of bounds that people think it does, I think that if you go to heaven after you die, you will instantly know about all the things in all of life, and it will all make sense, just like it says it will in the Bible. I really believe that.
I know, I'm crazy.