Lately I have come across people who have tragic stories of birth.
Being that Mother's Day is coming up, I've again been reminded about my own experiences and how they compare to others I have learned about.
I honestly feel totally guilty that it was so easy for me, easy to give birth, easy to make the decision.
I mean, I knew it was a big decision and all, and I did have my days of crushing sadness, but my sadness was more about how Jacob couldn't love me enough to devout his life to me, well, he didn't really love me at all, I think, which hurts most of all.
My biggest problem in life is that people can't hardly care about me, I mean, some do, but usually those people are the kind of people who care about people in general more than most.
It always hurts to know that the average person doesn't want to care about me.
Their actions always prove it. It was never the idea that I was losing motherhood or anything else in life that ever bothered me more than thinking people cared about me, feeling like they care about me, and then learning that it was all a lie and having them totally reject me from their lives at a moments notice, or even after a few weeks or months of strained interaction where I am totally confused by their attitudes.
I know I'm the one that probably did or do something to make people aware that they suddenly can't take trying to pretend that they care. Honestly, it's like they think I'm the kind of person that they would usually care about, and then when they figure out the person I really am, they hate me, and probably think I know why, I don't.
Anyways, this is not what I wanted to write about, I wanted to tell you about my birth story.
I mean, well, because I have heard a few, and I can relate to none of them, not even a little.
My story of labor and delivery is very straight forward, and I always want to add the details that probably not a single person in the world really wants to know.
Honestly, I can't even relate to other stories of pregnancy because my pregnancy was so easy.
Maybe it's just that the people who have had the worst experiences are the ones that like talking about them more, or feel the need to talk about them more. Ones like mine, where things were really mostly good, are silly and boring. People don't want to hear about how my labor progressed rapidly and how I was treated mostly good at the hospital. I think they like the dramatic details of a more risky situation in a story.
The only thing risky about my story is that I torn a little more on the inside, during my last two pushes to get Parker out of me, than I should have, but they totally sewed me up pretty good(even though, those stitches did get infected a week later, but I got the medicine, it worked)
I mean, I wish I could relate to having cravings during my pregnancy when all I had was an aversion to the smell of meat, I still wanted to eat meat. My only craving was being more hungry than usual.
I keep hearing stories from woman about getting diabetes and intolerance for lactose and gluten, and none of that happened for me, I feel guilty about that, as if I should be so lucky to be healthy, to have so little problems. I mean, I think I deserve all the pain and suffering I have heard about, I think I could bare it a little better than them. Not trying to brag, I think it's just reality.
It seems that the people who love the most, suffer the most, I don't love enough, so I don't suffer enough.
I just can't muster the mushy-mushy like the whole world seems to endorse.
I mean, I am intensely loyal and I DO love people, just not in the way they expect.
I wish I could relate because I wish I could understand why these things happen.
Why did I experience such an easy birth and have such a easy time with letting Parker go?
Why didn't I have the fun of cravings, and all that weird stuff about feeling the baby roll around inside you?
That's a thing I wonder about, I barely felt Parker inside me when I was pregnant, except for a couple of times when there was a loud sound and he literally kicked the breath out of me from the inside, and that didn't feel good. Most of the rare movement I had felt from him, while he was forming inside me, was painful, literally, it did not feel like an of this 'gentle rolling' I heard about. It felt like something trying to break out of me, like the sharp finger pokes my brother used to do to my rib, when we were kids, as some kind of way of 'tickling' me, but it didn't tickle, it hurt, and I had bruises (not from Parker, from my brother)
I can't write much longer, and much of this does not make sense. I just feel completely invalid because my life experience of similar things never matches up with others and it probably should, just a little bit.
It's sort of like going to a restaurant where you get really good service and you love it so so so much, then you come across people who have nothing good to say about the restaurant that you love.
Makes me think, why did I have good experience, and others, went the same place, in the same way, and did NOT have a good experience? What about me, or what I did, made it work out so well for me, but not for most others?
I guess I also wonder how so many people that are uglier and meaner than me can find marriage partners.
What did they do that I didn't? I probably will never know.
Thoughts from the mind of a birth mom in open adoption and a devout christian who loves everyone
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Friday, May 11, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Do I belong
Most of my life I have usually had this feeling that I am an impostor, that I should not be allowed to be wherever I am or anything.
I think it's because my personality is so rare, and I'm not trying to compliment myself there, it's just the truth.
Only my Dad, maybe, had the same kind of personality as I do, and he had very few friends.
Mostly because he never when out of his way to make friends or made any special effort to empress anyone.
Well, maybe sometimes, but it was usually the kind of practical things that I do that get disrespected.
Like the time he bought my mom a much bigger casserole dish because he broke one while trying to make a meal in it for her. He had no way of knowing that it would be too big to put in the cupboard or that my mom liked to use that other casserole dish in the microwave which made being smaller dish, easier. So that, that didn't work out for him, and the same kind of thing happens to me all the time as well.
At work, when I do things a little bit better than others, they don't like me because of that, even if I make efforts to do things a little worse than others, they don't like that either, I can't win.
I have a confession to make, I am sort of part of this 'nerd' movement because I watch certain You tubers and I love science and reading. Anyways, this group is having a 'event' and I went to a meet-up like this once before, and it was... OK..I mean it was exhausting because they are all very young, and I am well... not so young anymore.
I guess I think it will be even more awkward this time, if I go, because I've been watching their vlogs for a year now. It's always just weird, telling someone you barely know that your a fan of them, especially when they are really ordinary kids. I mean, they are super smart and everything, yeah, and way more motivated in general that I can ever imagine being. I just worry that I do not fit in with them.
It's the same with me and ANY teenagers. I always instantly feel like at any moment they are all going to turn on me like rabid zombies because I differ from them in so many many ways.
I mean, much of the internet 'communities' depend on people liking the same stuff, and yes, I like many of the things that these kids like, or at least, I am open to learning about the things I do not know about.
But I am not a real 'fan' of most of the things that they are really really into, and I am not willing to force myself to be into the things that they are into, I know many people do this, but I am not willing to change like that just to be friends. I want people to want to be friends with me for who I am regardless of whether or not I like the ALL the same things as they do. Actually I like being friends with people who have completely different interests than me, being friends with people who only like what I like can be boring because I'm not learning anything new, and I like learning new things. I want my mind to be blown. Really I do.
I mean currently, I am a mad fan of this show called 'Grimm' but I doubt that any of these kids are into it like I am.
Often from what I have watched and enjoy, much of the 'nerd' movement is about getting people, and mostly young kids, to read, to want to learn, that kind of thing, which is really great, I love that, but I am not the one that needs to be told to read, or have learning promoted to me, I already want to read, and to learn.
One of my biggest pet-peeves about these online communities is that they take things too seriously.
For example, if a certain book is promoted, it becomes the only book to read, and any other suggestions are taken as insults. I know that the people promoting certain books don't mean it like that, they do want people to read, just in general, but for people that have no idea what to read, they suggest something.
For me, I rarely read books that are suggested to me, I just don't like being told what to do.
Also, I am always in the process of reading at least two or three books and I am always curious, I don't have to be reminded to be curious, never, not ever. It makes me angry when people think that I do, just because I am part of a movement that encourages being smart, I am not one that needs to be convinced.
It's my personality, when people who are not paying me tell me 'do this, then that and that's how you be 'yourself'' it makes me angry and I won't do anything. I mean, if it's a job, that's different, and I will do anything that seems reasonable for the short time that I am obligated too, but to be asked to take on a whole different personality, as something that is supposed to be my 'true self' I won't let them do that.
I know they mean well, they are trying to encourage people who would otherwise not be interested in reading or learning to be interested and stuff.
I guess it's like Christianity in a way when people tell people that they need to do certain things and be like the group in certain ways, that has always bothered me too, because I have my own way of loving God and being devoted to my faith, and I know certain practices are needed, and I do them, I don't need to be told too, but I know that others do need that.
I need to show more mercy, people don't know that I am the exception, they don't even want me to be the exception. People are so very narrow minded these days, that's why I don't want to hang out with them.
They don't even realize they are being narrow minded when they make fun of a street person, or when they shy away from someone who doesn't act exactly like them or dress like them, that kind of thing.
I know they want to be open minded, but sometimes, they just are limited and don't even know it themselves.
It's snowing, so I probably won't go to the meet-up. It's too far away anyways, in a big mall in the south of my city, I am in the far north, it's too far.
I have to return some movies I didn't even get around to watching to the library closer to me anyways.
That will take all my free time. I'm too tired and stressed thinking about hanging out with more people than I can handle being around. I'd rather just read and be at home with my sweet kitty-cat.
She loves me for who I am, and always will, as long as I feed her.
I think it's because my personality is so rare, and I'm not trying to compliment myself there, it's just the truth.
Only my Dad, maybe, had the same kind of personality as I do, and he had very few friends.
Mostly because he never when out of his way to make friends or made any special effort to empress anyone.
Well, maybe sometimes, but it was usually the kind of practical things that I do that get disrespected.
Like the time he bought my mom a much bigger casserole dish because he broke one while trying to make a meal in it for her. He had no way of knowing that it would be too big to put in the cupboard or that my mom liked to use that other casserole dish in the microwave which made being smaller dish, easier. So that, that didn't work out for him, and the same kind of thing happens to me all the time as well.
At work, when I do things a little bit better than others, they don't like me because of that, even if I make efforts to do things a little worse than others, they don't like that either, I can't win.
I have a confession to make, I am sort of part of this 'nerd' movement because I watch certain You tubers and I love science and reading. Anyways, this group is having a 'event' and I went to a meet-up like this once before, and it was... OK..I mean it was exhausting because they are all very young, and I am well... not so young anymore.
I guess I think it will be even more awkward this time, if I go, because I've been watching their vlogs for a year now. It's always just weird, telling someone you barely know that your a fan of them, especially when they are really ordinary kids. I mean, they are super smart and everything, yeah, and way more motivated in general that I can ever imagine being. I just worry that I do not fit in with them.
It's the same with me and ANY teenagers. I always instantly feel like at any moment they are all going to turn on me like rabid zombies because I differ from them in so many many ways.
I mean, much of the internet 'communities' depend on people liking the same stuff, and yes, I like many of the things that these kids like, or at least, I am open to learning about the things I do not know about.
But I am not a real 'fan' of most of the things that they are really really into, and I am not willing to force myself to be into the things that they are into, I know many people do this, but I am not willing to change like that just to be friends. I want people to want to be friends with me for who I am regardless of whether or not I like the ALL the same things as they do. Actually I like being friends with people who have completely different interests than me, being friends with people who only like what I like can be boring because I'm not learning anything new, and I like learning new things. I want my mind to be blown. Really I do.
I mean currently, I am a mad fan of this show called 'Grimm' but I doubt that any of these kids are into it like I am.
Often from what I have watched and enjoy, much of the 'nerd' movement is about getting people, and mostly young kids, to read, to want to learn, that kind of thing, which is really great, I love that, but I am not the one that needs to be told to read, or have learning promoted to me, I already want to read, and to learn.
One of my biggest pet-peeves about these online communities is that they take things too seriously.
For example, if a certain book is promoted, it becomes the only book to read, and any other suggestions are taken as insults. I know that the people promoting certain books don't mean it like that, they do want people to read, just in general, but for people that have no idea what to read, they suggest something.
For me, I rarely read books that are suggested to me, I just don't like being told what to do.
Also, I am always in the process of reading at least two or three books and I am always curious, I don't have to be reminded to be curious, never, not ever. It makes me angry when people think that I do, just because I am part of a movement that encourages being smart, I am not one that needs to be convinced.
It's my personality, when people who are not paying me tell me 'do this, then that and that's how you be 'yourself'' it makes me angry and I won't do anything. I mean, if it's a job, that's different, and I will do anything that seems reasonable for the short time that I am obligated too, but to be asked to take on a whole different personality, as something that is supposed to be my 'true self' I won't let them do that.
I know they mean well, they are trying to encourage people who would otherwise not be interested in reading or learning to be interested and stuff.
I guess it's like Christianity in a way when people tell people that they need to do certain things and be like the group in certain ways, that has always bothered me too, because I have my own way of loving God and being devoted to my faith, and I know certain practices are needed, and I do them, I don't need to be told too, but I know that others do need that.
I need to show more mercy, people don't know that I am the exception, they don't even want me to be the exception. People are so very narrow minded these days, that's why I don't want to hang out with them.
They don't even realize they are being narrow minded when they make fun of a street person, or when they shy away from someone who doesn't act exactly like them or dress like them, that kind of thing.
I know they want to be open minded, but sometimes, they just are limited and don't even know it themselves.
It's snowing, so I probably won't go to the meet-up. It's too far away anyways, in a big mall in the south of my city, I am in the far north, it's too far.
I have to return some movies I didn't even get around to watching to the library closer to me anyways.
That will take all my free time. I'm too tired and stressed thinking about hanging out with more people than I can handle being around. I'd rather just read and be at home with my sweet kitty-cat.
She loves me for who I am, and always will, as long as I feed her.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Why pay more, just to be 'cool'?
I have decided to only post when I really really feel like it.
All my life I have mostly lived on second hand things and lived in the 'poorer' places of the city and such.
Last Saturday I went with my mom to a rummage sale at a community center and I found some interesting things.
I have found that many of my teen-aged co-workers despise anything that is second hand.
To many of them, even getting books from the library is 'gross'.
It is my opinion that the stuff you buy 'new' has be touched by just as many people, maybe more, as stuff that is not new.
I know that people I regard in high esteem would wrinkle their noses at going to a community hall and spending some time looking through previously owned goods.
I like what I got. I got a little jewelery music box that is in perfect condition.
It has a light-up gold-colored rose inside and plays 'Fur Elise' very loudly.
It totally scared Lucy, it was hilarious.
This box, cost me 25 cents...CENTS!(even though it still had a sale sticker on it for $3.65)
I also found these really big greeting cards, blank inside, with beautiful painting prints of horses on them(they cost me 10 cents, all 3 of them). I know they would have been over $3 each in a regular store.
I found a very very nice tea pot too, white with pink flowers and gold accents on it, only...25...CENTS!
I also found a weird paper back, that I might not even read, but it was only 10 cents.
And my mom found some nice black jeans for work for just a dollar, as well as some blouses, I think they were only a dollar each too, and they were name brands that I know from my work place!
Nothing wrong with the clothes. I mean, nowadays kids pay big bucks for ripped jeans!!
Can you believe that? It's a style that cost so much and looks TERRIBLE (well, in my opinion)
It was on Saturday that my mom and I also went to the new library that just opened up near my neighborhood, I got four books and two movies, all with just my library card.($12/year)
So... pretty much free(except I forgot my card there and I plan to get it back when I bring the movies back)
When I think of all the stuff that people PAY FOR when they could get it for free, I just don't get it.
That's why shopping like the average person, spending thousands on just a handful of items, I think it's so very stupid. I wish more people would like to shop like I do, in the 'junk' that others throw away.
I mean, if it's dirty, I can wash it, you have to wash 'new' things anyways!
Although, I am a little creeped out by some of the other people who come to the rummage and thrift stores, usually because they are the scary customers I have at my workplace who don't like the prices of things.
I can't change the prices of things in retail stores, and honestly, I think everything is way too expensive too, just knowing that at a rummage sale, that set of dishes that someone bought for 50 bucks, yeah, it's now $5, all of them, well, maybe missing a couple things, but STILL.
The things in life I pay way too much for is usually food, because, even though I think it's too expensive, I get too hungry to care.
BTW, the books I took out from the library are new releases, as in, just came out in stores but I can read the same books people are buyin' for free(sort of) because I have a library card!
I am going to go do that right now, finish reading a really awesome story and make some tea too.
Had to buy my mom more coffee cream, I stole most of hers and she's mad about it, I hope she like the kind I got her.
So... it is really worth it to pay for something, if there is a way to have it almost free?
All my life I have mostly lived on second hand things and lived in the 'poorer' places of the city and such.
Last Saturday I went with my mom to a rummage sale at a community center and I found some interesting things.
I have found that many of my teen-aged co-workers despise anything that is second hand.
To many of them, even getting books from the library is 'gross'.
It is my opinion that the stuff you buy 'new' has be touched by just as many people, maybe more, as stuff that is not new.
I know that people I regard in high esteem would wrinkle their noses at going to a community hall and spending some time looking through previously owned goods.
I like what I got. I got a little jewelery music box that is in perfect condition.
It has a light-up gold-colored rose inside and plays 'Fur Elise' very loudly.
It totally scared Lucy, it was hilarious.
This box, cost me 25 cents...CENTS!(even though it still had a sale sticker on it for $3.65)
I also found these really big greeting cards, blank inside, with beautiful painting prints of horses on them(they cost me 10 cents, all 3 of them). I know they would have been over $3 each in a regular store.
I found a very very nice tea pot too, white with pink flowers and gold accents on it, only...25...CENTS!
I also found a weird paper back, that I might not even read, but it was only 10 cents.
And my mom found some nice black jeans for work for just a dollar, as well as some blouses, I think they were only a dollar each too, and they were name brands that I know from my work place!
Nothing wrong with the clothes. I mean, nowadays kids pay big bucks for ripped jeans!!
Can you believe that? It's a style that cost so much and looks TERRIBLE (well, in my opinion)
It was on Saturday that my mom and I also went to the new library that just opened up near my neighborhood, I got four books and two movies, all with just my library card.($12/year)
So... pretty much free(except I forgot my card there and I plan to get it back when I bring the movies back)
When I think of all the stuff that people PAY FOR when they could get it for free, I just don't get it.
That's why shopping like the average person, spending thousands on just a handful of items, I think it's so very stupid. I wish more people would like to shop like I do, in the 'junk' that others throw away.
I mean, if it's dirty, I can wash it, you have to wash 'new' things anyways!
Although, I am a little creeped out by some of the other people who come to the rummage and thrift stores, usually because they are the scary customers I have at my workplace who don't like the prices of things.
I can't change the prices of things in retail stores, and honestly, I think everything is way too expensive too, just knowing that at a rummage sale, that set of dishes that someone bought for 50 bucks, yeah, it's now $5, all of them, well, maybe missing a couple things, but STILL.
The things in life I pay way too much for is usually food, because, even though I think it's too expensive, I get too hungry to care.
BTW, the books I took out from the library are new releases, as in, just came out in stores but I can read the same books people are buyin' for free(sort of) because I have a library card!
I am going to go do that right now, finish reading a really awesome story and make some tea too.
Had to buy my mom more coffee cream, I stole most of hers and she's mad about it, I hope she like the kind I got her.
So... it is really worth it to pay for something, if there is a way to have it almost free?
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Am I a hipster?
If you are reading this blog often you notice that I missed a day again, oops.
Truth is that I'm getting scared about blogging a little bit because I told someone I know IRL about it.
Also, I've noticed my stats getting higher and I'm not sure where people are all coming from.
Mostly OART and BMB but there are few unknowns for whom the links don't go anywhere.
Something I have been thinking about for a while as I watch copious amounts of You tube vloggers, the ones I have now been watching for about two years, a little more. I mostly watch the learning, and silliness type videos and it seems like it's now the going trend to get or be smart and stuff like that, which I think is good, I mean, I'm not that smart, but I am curious and I have always loved to read and listen to new ideas.
Anyways, what I have been thinking about is how a 'hipster' person is described, I mean, technically I might actually be one, but I think I'm too old to be a hipster.
My opinion is that a hipster is a teenage to very young adult(13-24ish) who wears scarves, knitted hats or wide brimmed hats, skinny jeans(worn to show butt cracks or brightly colored underwear), and a unbuttoned plaid shirt with a tank top or graphic t-shirt under it, oh and army boots or high top running shoes, usually untied. Also they are 'too cool' for anything that is 'main stream'. As well, everything is done 'ironically' whatever that means.
Now, I do not look like that AT ALL but some of the other things that 'hipsters' are supposed to be about are things that can be true for me.
For example, I shop at thrift stores. Actually, most of my life I have hardly ever bought things that are new, not even underwear(nowadays, yes, but when I was a teenager, I wore my moms old underwear, really weird I know, but it was normal for me, and they were CLEAN), I like music that hardly anyone knows about, mostly because it's church music and that is not usually 'mainstream' to like listening to hymns in German and such. Although, I do like other music that is sort of 'underground' mostly from You Tube.
There are some artists that formed a company of their own called DFTBA
Most of those are the ones I favor, but I do like some others, does that make me a 'hipster'?
I guess because I don't think I am a 'hipster' that makes me one, but I doubt it.
I mean, another thing I have heard that 'hipsters' do is listen to cassette tapes and have old things.
(by old, they usually mean 'something from the 90's) but I have old things because I'm over 30!
I AM old! Well, compared to most of the people on the Internet, yeah, I'm really old.
So... do you think I'm a 'hipster'?
Truth is that I'm getting scared about blogging a little bit because I told someone I know IRL about it.
Also, I've noticed my stats getting higher and I'm not sure where people are all coming from.
Mostly OART and BMB but there are few unknowns for whom the links don't go anywhere.
Something I have been thinking about for a while as I watch copious amounts of You tube vloggers, the ones I have now been watching for about two years, a little more. I mostly watch the learning, and silliness type videos and it seems like it's now the going trend to get or be smart and stuff like that, which I think is good, I mean, I'm not that smart, but I am curious and I have always loved to read and listen to new ideas.
Anyways, what I have been thinking about is how a 'hipster' person is described, I mean, technically I might actually be one, but I think I'm too old to be a hipster.
My opinion is that a hipster is a teenage to very young adult(13-24ish) who wears scarves, knitted hats or wide brimmed hats, skinny jeans(worn to show butt cracks or brightly colored underwear), and a unbuttoned plaid shirt with a tank top or graphic t-shirt under it, oh and army boots or high top running shoes, usually untied. Also they are 'too cool' for anything that is 'main stream'. As well, everything is done 'ironically' whatever that means.
Now, I do not look like that AT ALL but some of the other things that 'hipsters' are supposed to be about are things that can be true for me.
For example, I shop at thrift stores. Actually, most of my life I have hardly ever bought things that are new, not even underwear(nowadays, yes, but when I was a teenager, I wore my moms old underwear, really weird I know, but it was normal for me, and they were CLEAN), I like music that hardly anyone knows about, mostly because it's church music and that is not usually 'mainstream' to like listening to hymns in German and such. Although, I do like other music that is sort of 'underground' mostly from You Tube.
There are some artists that formed a company of their own called DFTBA
Most of those are the ones I favor, but I do like some others, does that make me a 'hipster'?
I guess because I don't think I am a 'hipster' that makes me one, but I doubt it.
I mean, another thing I have heard that 'hipsters' do is listen to cassette tapes and have old things.
(by old, they usually mean 'something from the 90's) but I have old things because I'm over 30!
I AM old! Well, compared to most of the people on the Internet, yeah, I'm really old.
So... do you think I'm a 'hipster'?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
After the togetherness
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
How do you feel after a visit?
Wow, so this is an incredibly simple question, but kind of loaded at the same time.
As a first (birth) mom I have felt both different and the same after a visit with Parker.
It might help to explain the pattern of most of the visits I have had.
Since Parker was 18 months old visits have usually happened mid-October and any time in February or near February. The reasons are simple, February 17 is Parker birthday, and Canadian Thanksgiving, as well as Laurie's (adoptive mom) birthday is in October. Parkers' adoptive family live a five and a half hour drive from where I live. As well, Lauries family live mostly in my city. Well, they did, I think they are now moving closer to her, which is bad for me because her family is the reason they can come to my city to visit myself and Jacob (who lives with his wife and children in my city as well).
For the past four years they(Parkers adoptive family) have been here to get together with Laurie's family, and while they are here, they throw in a visit with Jacob and I of course.
I feel a little bit differently about the October visits than I do the February ones. For the October visits I don't have to worry about traveling or even booking off work(but I usually book the day of anyways).
For them, all I have to worry about is if they will show up, I mean, they always have, but there's always that fear in me that they might not.
This is supposed to about how I feel AFTER the visit, I am going on to much about the before, so the truth is that after a visit with them in my city, I feel kind of disjointed, like I just woke up from a wonderful dream.
Usually I am wondering to myself if it all really happened and just spending hours starring and starring at the pictures I took. Often I make a call to my friend Kyla, and talk her ears off about it, or I post on a BMB forum about it. Honestly I feel really giddy after a visit in my own city because all the energy I would have used for a five hour trip is somehow filling me with an urge to move, do something, anything.
Now, the out of town visits are a bit more of an ordeal for me because I have to travel with Jacob and his wife and children, which is OK, we get along, it's just taxing because well, it's a five and half hour drive and the children are all under the age of three(yes, three kids under three, yep they planned it that way).
Being around Jacob still makes me feel weird but I do my best to be normal and agreeable.
The trip back home after visiting out of town kind of terrifying because Jacob is a crazy driver at best, and then, of course, he and Tara are tried because when we visit out of town, we don't stay, we are just there for lunch, basically.
Yep, so we drive (and FYI, I cannot drive, I have many reasons) from about 6am, get there at about noon or 1pm, then we head out again at about 5 or 6pm to get home at about 11pm. It's a long day for those babies in the vehicle! All the traveling with crying babies really takes it out of all of us and usually, I am still jazzed about seeing Parker and stuff, but really really really ready to go home.
It not usually till the day after that I have that same 'was it real??' feeling come over me and do the same starring at pictures for hours and talking with Kyla and posting on forums and stalking Facebook to see if Laurie will say anything about me visiting (she never does, but you know, I keep hoping..)
It has only been through writing that I have finally come to the conclusion to that question
'How do I feel' because, usually, I feel like it was all a dream, a beautiful dream, and it's only pictures(and the bruises on my body cause Parker plays rough, he's a boy!) that prove it was really really real. Like a miracle come true.
How do you feel after a visit?
Wow, so this is an incredibly simple question, but kind of loaded at the same time.
As a first (birth) mom I have felt both different and the same after a visit with Parker.
It might help to explain the pattern of most of the visits I have had.
Since Parker was 18 months old visits have usually happened mid-October and any time in February or near February. The reasons are simple, February 17 is Parker birthday, and Canadian Thanksgiving, as well as Laurie's (adoptive mom) birthday is in October. Parkers' adoptive family live a five and a half hour drive from where I live. As well, Lauries family live mostly in my city. Well, they did, I think they are now moving closer to her, which is bad for me because her family is the reason they can come to my city to visit myself and Jacob (who lives with his wife and children in my city as well).
For the past four years they(Parkers adoptive family) have been here to get together with Laurie's family, and while they are here, they throw in a visit with Jacob and I of course.
I feel a little bit differently about the October visits than I do the February ones. For the October visits I don't have to worry about traveling or even booking off work(but I usually book the day of anyways).
For them, all I have to worry about is if they will show up, I mean, they always have, but there's always that fear in me that they might not.
This is supposed to about how I feel AFTER the visit, I am going on to much about the before, so the truth is that after a visit with them in my city, I feel kind of disjointed, like I just woke up from a wonderful dream.
Usually I am wondering to myself if it all really happened and just spending hours starring and starring at the pictures I took. Often I make a call to my friend Kyla, and talk her ears off about it, or I post on a BMB forum about it. Honestly I feel really giddy after a visit in my own city because all the energy I would have used for a five hour trip is somehow filling me with an urge to move, do something, anything.
Now, the out of town visits are a bit more of an ordeal for me because I have to travel with Jacob and his wife and children, which is OK, we get along, it's just taxing because well, it's a five and half hour drive and the children are all under the age of three(yes, three kids under three, yep they planned it that way).
Being around Jacob still makes me feel weird but I do my best to be normal and agreeable.
The trip back home after visiting out of town kind of terrifying because Jacob is a crazy driver at best, and then, of course, he and Tara are tried because when we visit out of town, we don't stay, we are just there for lunch, basically.
Yep, so we drive (and FYI, I cannot drive, I have many reasons) from about 6am, get there at about noon or 1pm, then we head out again at about 5 or 6pm to get home at about 11pm. It's a long day for those babies in the vehicle! All the traveling with crying babies really takes it out of all of us and usually, I am still jazzed about seeing Parker and stuff, but really really really ready to go home.
It not usually till the day after that I have that same 'was it real??' feeling come over me and do the same starring at pictures for hours and talking with Kyla and posting on forums and stalking Facebook to see if Laurie will say anything about me visiting (she never does, but you know, I keep hoping..)
It has only been through writing that I have finally come to the conclusion to that question
'How do I feel' because, usually, I feel like it was all a dream, a beautiful dream, and it's only pictures(and the bruises on my body cause Parker plays rough, he's a boy!) that prove it was really really real. Like a miracle come true.
I am doing this?
When a atheist says 'You can believe what you believe, just don't shove it down my throat'
What does that mean, does that mean I can't refer to my faith in any form while I am in the known presence of an atheist? I mean, the whole idea of being a christian means that I am supposed to tell people about my faith because I believe that without a decision for Christ, YOU will be lost and when you die, you will not experience heaven, also, you are missing out on the peace and love that Christ gives me.
So, believing this means that I really do want YOU to experience heaven, that the peace and love I know, and I will do anything I have to help that happen, or I should.
Now, I don't do this as much as I should, try and help people find peace with God and secure their destination after their death.
Is posting parts of the Bible on my Facebook 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would talking about the Bible with you be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would inviting you to come to church be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would wanting to pray before eating with you be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would not wanting to drink or smoke or gamble or dress slutty be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Really I want to know, what does this behavior really look like, because I don't think I do this, but sometimes, I think, I probably should be trying harder to show people what I believe because I believe it to be the real truth.
I find that my sister get offended with me because I honestly whole-heartedly believe that the faith I have is real, it's not just religion, it's not just some thing I do so that I will go to heaven when I die, it's something I live by, a hope I have that is more real than anything else I know. It bothers them because they think it's a lie, they are more than OK with people who go through actions of religion, but they have a problem with me, their sister, because I really believe in the Bible, it's not just a good book, I really believe, and know that God loves me. I have seen very real miracles and I know I am not mistaken.
I truly don't know how my sisters lived in the same home as I did, when to the same church, and they do not believe the truth or have peace with God, but I do. It troubles me, so this should make me actually want to convince them even more, but I don't know how really. Because I don't want to force anyone to believe, I want people to believe because they figured it out, that it IS the truth. That's all.
What does that mean, does that mean I can't refer to my faith in any form while I am in the known presence of an atheist? I mean, the whole idea of being a christian means that I am supposed to tell people about my faith because I believe that without a decision for Christ, YOU will be lost and when you die, you will not experience heaven, also, you are missing out on the peace and love that Christ gives me.
So, believing this means that I really do want YOU to experience heaven, that the peace and love I know, and I will do anything I have to help that happen, or I should.
Now, I don't do this as much as I should, try and help people find peace with God and secure their destination after their death.
Is posting parts of the Bible on my Facebook 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would talking about the Bible with you be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would inviting you to come to church be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would wanting to pray before eating with you be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Would not wanting to drink or smoke or gamble or dress slutty be 'shoving it down your throat'?
Really I want to know, what does this behavior really look like, because I don't think I do this, but sometimes, I think, I probably should be trying harder to show people what I believe because I believe it to be the real truth.
I find that my sister get offended with me because I honestly whole-heartedly believe that the faith I have is real, it's not just religion, it's not just some thing I do so that I will go to heaven when I die, it's something I live by, a hope I have that is more real than anything else I know. It bothers them because they think it's a lie, they are more than OK with people who go through actions of religion, but they have a problem with me, their sister, because I really believe in the Bible, it's not just a good book, I really believe, and know that God loves me. I have seen very real miracles and I know I am not mistaken.
I truly don't know how my sisters lived in the same home as I did, when to the same church, and they do not believe the truth or have peace with God, but I do. It troubles me, so this should make me actually want to convince them even more, but I don't know how really. Because I don't want to force anyone to believe, I want people to believe because they figured it out, that it IS the truth. That's all.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Everything always seems so impossible
Today I could have voted, but I will still have a chance on Monday.
I still feel unworthy to vote because I don't understand politics or anything that any of the people I'm supposed to vote for are talking about.
I mean, I get little things, but then I talk to much smarter people, who are going to school for the subject of politics or something like that and when I say things like 'I like this person, I will vote for her because she seems nice' they really look at me like I am the dumbest person they have ever met.
I mean, I am very logical. It just seems that no matter what I do, I look stupid and do everything wrong. I mean, today was busy and I had a trainee near me and when problems arose, I just haphazardly fixed them, when I should have slowed down and showed the trainee how to deal with things.
I am having my 'womanly' time, it really messes with my mood and takes away all my patience.
I really wish I was a more sweet gentle merciful kind of person. I mean I try, I really do, but often it takes so much more energy than telling everything straight as I see it, without hesitation of an kind. I should probably try to hesitate more often, I might be a good practice if I didn't find it so terribly annoying. I just am completely wrong, my whole self is out of place.
I want to do everything perfectly, but I am so very broken, or at least very hindered by the thoroughness of inner weaknesses for impulsive ordering and stuff...sigh... I'm so sorry world.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Types of adoption agencies
To add to the 'types of' adoption kinds I thought I'd do one on the agencies related to adoption.
Over 6 years ago, when I was making an adoption plan for Parker, whom I at the time thought by the name of Tobias (just FYI) Jacob and I did visit about a handful of agencies.
And now, 6 years later, I have learned tons about adoption agencies through things like this really cool forum on go on for birth moms called Birthmom buds and also through various blogs and such.
The truth is that a good adoption agency is rare and usually, they are really just for-profit businesses that act like charities and public service, they are not, they are mostly private.
I do not know that much about all adoption agencies and this list is just going to be mostly my opinion on what exists out there. As with all my lists, the things I list can be combined or added to, and I like to keep things simple by not repeating ideas. Also, I'll probably not be able to mention all that really exists, because I don't know that much, I already said that, oops.
Here ya go
- 1)Grass roots
- 2)Fancy-wancy
- 4)Lawyers
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
On Faith Alone
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them. Write a response at your blog–linking back to this post so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments. Open adoption agreements are the documents signed by placing parents and adopting parents that establish post-adoption contact expectations and boundaries. Discussions often focus on their legal weight (e.g. Are the agreements enforceable in court?) or the practical details (e.g. How many visits?), both very important issues. I thought it might be interesting to also take a more personal look at how they have influenced the relationships in our personal adoption constellations and how our views about them may have changed over time. Write about open adoption agreements. Is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?
The first time I met with the agency social worker of the agency I would eventually find Parkers adoptive parents from I remember being kind of power hungry in the idea that I could control what happened and how it happened, mostly. Although, I don't think I thought about putting it all on paper, just vaguely so, but honestly, I thought that I would choose a couple who would already be willing to at least send a picture or two every year and that would probably be enough. The only 'agreement' that comes to mind is two handwritten (and then photocopied to more than a dozen pages included in the adoption decree) notes that each stated that "We agree to provide contact in the form of updates and photos and occasional visits as long as we believe it to be in the best interest of our child" Each were signed and written individually, but said the exact same thing. Really though, there would probably be many things that could make them believe that contact wasn't 'in the best interest' that would give them a reason to discontinue the openness I have so far enjoyed. Those notes really don't hold that much weight, but even if they did, they are way to vague to really be taken seriously. The unwritten agreement holds more weight to me, the agreement that as Christians, they have a duty to be truthful and caring to anyone who is respectful and even those who many not be as desirable company as others. I think it is their faith that has keep the openness toward me and Jacob. Although, looking back, I often wish I had asked for me, Jacob certainly asked for much more and much more boldly, and he was politely dissuaded to choose more reasonable options. I guess because his assertions about visiting in every season of the year, weekly updates, not only from the adoptive parents, but from him to them, he just kind of laid it all on a little thick and even though my ideas were more reasonable, they weren't any less ambitious. Instead I talked about other things, about school life and such and what I hoped for, hoping of course that they would take these hints as direction. Well now, 6 years later, much of what I hoped for HAS happened for Parker, not all though, but it's not a perfect world and I understand that sometimes plans change. For me, it just felt rude to demand these things, pictures, visits, updates, I wanted Parkers adoptive parents to WANT to update me and Jacob, not HAVE too. I have worked hard to be friendly to them, and I do like them very very much, but the friendship connection isn't there and that is what would lead to more openness, not a contract. If anything, a contract would be the kind of thing that would kind of ruin the chance of natural friendship. In my opinion at least. Here's the other Round table discussion I posted http://anothercrazychristian.blogspot.ca/2012/03/oar-35-grand-mothersand-not-much-else.htmlWednesday, March 21, 2012
Types of birth dads
Now, because I did for birth moms, and adoptive parents, I thought I'd make up at list of birth dads too.
I think I'm going to do more of this list things, they are kind of fun and I have even more ideas for stuff to make lists about but to finish of most of the adoption type lists. Well, people in adoption type lists (I might do a few others if I think of something new). I don't know much to say about birth dad, and most people don't even want to talk about them, but I'm gonna try anyways.
1) Deadbeat 'bio' dad
A birth father who hightails it out of the birth moms life at the first sign of trouble, or a positive pregnancy test. My opinion is that they are told to leave, shunned, and as an average guy, they don't know quite how to handle the extreme emotions they are feeling. Most birth moms, and people for that matter often think they don't care and don't want anything to do with the pregnancy, but often, they just don't know how to deal with how they feel, so they ditch the whole thing. Often they are guys that have been in loads of trouble before and have really low self-esteem which makes it sort of impossible for them to even have the courage to 'man-up' and take responsibility. In the past, these guys have learned that taking responsibility is often not in their best interest so they have a habit of doing whatever they can to disappear from any resemblance to actions that could be seen as admitting there is any kind of problem. They are often drug addicts and party goers who have very poor decision making skills, or any decision making skills.
2)Pedophile
An older man or authority figure in the birth moms life who has taken advantage of her and the result is pregnancy. Often this man actually tries to take control of the situation he created, to hide it somehow.
Often he is mostly successful, sadly enough he is often a family member, or the birth moms own father, or even a teacher or team leader of some sort. Being so powerful in the birth moms life, he uses his influence to hide his actions against the birth mom who feels shame and responsibility for HIS actions instead of holding him responsible. The only way this man is found out is usually by other family members/friends to whom his influence has a lesser effect.
3)Boyfriend
The average boyfriend who actually tries to take responsibility for his and his girlfriends(re:birth mom) actions that have resulted in pregnancy. This is the rare guy who stays with his girlfriend, even hopes to parent their child, but is often discouraged by others, and even faces the same facts that his girlfriend does, that parenting might not be a good choice and that making an adoption plan could be a good choice. Often this boyfriend might stay with his girlfriend, even after placement, but the girlfriend is the one who breaks up with him because he reminds her of the emotional stress of placing her child, or vice versa.
This is the guy who actually tries very hard, and had every intention of being fully committed, but life and stress often get in the way of his good intentions.
4)Outsider
Sometimes, or more often than you would think, a birth mom chooses to hide her pregnancy from the one who fathered it. She might do this for a variety of reasons, but the result remains the same. The birth dad is completely unaware of what has happened or why. Often though, but not always, some time after the adoption has taken place, maybe years, usually years, although sometimes months, he finds out the truth about what was hidden from him. When this happens, often he will try to obtain custody of his child and do his best to disrupt the adoption. This can lead to dozens of court battles and such, and rarely does it lead to him actually getting his child. Often a compromise is reached and either he gets to send money and/or resources to his child or participate in contact through the adoptive family.
This is all I can think of for now. I might add more late. Please comment if you are reading my blog.
I think I'm going to do more of this list things, they are kind of fun and I have even more ideas for stuff to make lists about but to finish of most of the adoption type lists. Well, people in adoption type lists (I might do a few others if I think of something new). I don't know much to say about birth dad, and most people don't even want to talk about them, but I'm gonna try anyways.
1) Deadbeat 'bio' dad
A birth father who hightails it out of the birth moms life at the first sign of trouble, or a positive pregnancy test. My opinion is that they are told to leave, shunned, and as an average guy, they don't know quite how to handle the extreme emotions they are feeling. Most birth moms, and people for that matter often think they don't care and don't want anything to do with the pregnancy, but often, they just don't know how to deal with how they feel, so they ditch the whole thing. Often they are guys that have been in loads of trouble before and have really low self-esteem which makes it sort of impossible for them to even have the courage to 'man-up' and take responsibility. In the past, these guys have learned that taking responsibility is often not in their best interest so they have a habit of doing whatever they can to disappear from any resemblance to actions that could be seen as admitting there is any kind of problem. They are often drug addicts and party goers who have very poor decision making skills, or any decision making skills.
2)Pedophile
An older man or authority figure in the birth moms life who has taken advantage of her and the result is pregnancy. Often this man actually tries to take control of the situation he created, to hide it somehow.
Often he is mostly successful, sadly enough he is often a family member, or the birth moms own father, or even a teacher or team leader of some sort. Being so powerful in the birth moms life, he uses his influence to hide his actions against the birth mom who feels shame and responsibility for HIS actions instead of holding him responsible. The only way this man is found out is usually by other family members/friends to whom his influence has a lesser effect.
3)Boyfriend
The average boyfriend who actually tries to take responsibility for his and his girlfriends(re:birth mom) actions that have resulted in pregnancy. This is the rare guy who stays with his girlfriend, even hopes to parent their child, but is often discouraged by others, and even faces the same facts that his girlfriend does, that parenting might not be a good choice and that making an adoption plan could be a good choice. Often this boyfriend might stay with his girlfriend, even after placement, but the girlfriend is the one who breaks up with him because he reminds her of the emotional stress of placing her child, or vice versa.
This is the guy who actually tries very hard, and had every intention of being fully committed, but life and stress often get in the way of his good intentions.
4)Outsider
Sometimes, or more often than you would think, a birth mom chooses to hide her pregnancy from the one who fathered it. She might do this for a variety of reasons, but the result remains the same. The birth dad is completely unaware of what has happened or why. Often though, but not always, some time after the adoption has taken place, maybe years, usually years, although sometimes months, he finds out the truth about what was hidden from him. When this happens, often he will try to obtain custody of his child and do his best to disrupt the adoption. This can lead to dozens of court battles and such, and rarely does it lead to him actually getting his child. Often a compromise is reached and either he gets to send money and/or resources to his child or participate in contact through the adoptive family.
This is all I can think of for now. I might add more late. Please comment if you are reading my blog.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Ten things I want in a (hypothetical) husband
When I was something like 20 or 22 I wrote an undated entry in a note book about things I want in a husband.
I still remember these things because even though I so desperately wish that I could magically find a man like this, it is so unlikely as to be impossible to occur. I am going to write those ten things down, in order of least important to most important and I want anyone who reads this to imagine these things as a pyramid. The first being the tip and the last being the most important base of the whole thing.
These things are things that cannot be had separately, they are things that would need to be altogether or not there at all. Not having the tip might not be important, but not having a middle piece is very important.
So here it is now, my list of things I want in a (hypothetical) husband.
10. Taller than me
Yes, I know that it cannot be something that is under the control of the man, but it's just a comforting thing to have a man who is 'bigger' than me and it would make me feel smaller and more lady-like and pretty and sexy and stuff. So the man being taller has more to do with how it makes me look/feel than the fact that being taller is just easier for someone like me, who is way to tall for a girl at 5'9(and a quarter inch).
9. Good Manners
You might wonder why this is at this place in the list and it is because I know that good manners can be taught. What I mean by manners is not so much just please and thank you, but a developed sense of empathy, patience, deference for others, modesty, and personal hygiene. It is a basic thing that should be taken for granted, but if it is not present, it can be developed.
8. Good Family
Another thing that I know is not fully in a man control. Who can control who their family is? Yes, but it would be nice for my future husband to have a family that gets along, that is nice. That is good in the sense that they have a good reputation, and honest life, and truly show love to one another.
7 Nice Car
I know this might seem vain and selfish, but the fact remains that what a man drives(what anyone drives) can give you a really good idea of how stable his finances and life are. Now, as well, I do not drive because of my poverty and lack of personal skills and having a husband who can fill that need for me is important as it is important that this vehicle be sound. It doesn't have to be pretty, but if it is clean, well maintained, it can be almost any kind of car. It just has to be one that will work well!
6. Common Traits
I have amended this thing from the list. The one in the notebook said 'things in common' but same difference, right? Now for this thing, I mean that I would want someone who likes some of the same things. Likes the some of the same music, hobbies, books, other entertainment. Having things like this in common would just make life easier. I mean, it doesn't mean that he can't like things that I don't like, just that having completely different tastes in home decor or music or entertainment is very inconvenient and I know from experience that I can never 'convert' anyone, let alone a man, to like the things I like. It would just be so much better if he already liked them. Then we could have real fun together and such. Also it would be nice if my future husband had a similar life to me and experienced some of the same things prior to meeting me.
5 Good Listener
What I mean by this is not a man who says nothing while I rattle on for hours and hours. What I really want is a man who is actually paying attention to the things I am talking about and responding in helpful ways, or just responding. The only way that that I truly know if someone is listening to me is by the way they respond, not just that they allowed me to talk for hours without interrupting. I mean, I would want my husband to do that do, as I would try to listen and respond to him in the same way that I would want as well. Relationships don't work unless the two people can really listen to each other and respond in helpful ways.
4. Common Goals
If I am going to join my life with a man, I need him to have the same overall goals in life as I do. Or at least some of the same goals and hopes. Being simple things like loving God and others and following the principles of the faith that is so vital and most important to me. Also, NOT being obsessed with money or any personal fame or some such nonsense. Not having common goal is always a big problem for many couples.
3 REALLY loves me
Now I know this is very selfish of me, or maybe is it extremely wishful thinking, but I would want a husband who loves me more than I love him. I mean, I would love my husband, but I really want a husband who loves me just a little bit more than I could love him, and I can love people like crazy. Not trying to brag, just the truth. This is probably impossible as it seems that not many people seem to be able to love someone as hard-headed and weird as I am. Although I dream of the possibility, I know that only God loves me, REALLY loves me.
2. Spiritual Knowledge of the Holy Bible
Now we are getting to the nitty-gritty. The things that are truly impossible for men to do, in my personal experience, or just that all the men who can have this things are all unavailable to me. What I really mean by this is that I want a husband who loves the Bible, to whom the Bible is something vital and personal to him as it has been to me and should be to all who love God and call themselves 'Christians'.
1. Faith in Christ that is stronger than mine
This is the thing that seems most impossible because the guys I have known seem to lazy in their faith.
I would want a husband who's faith is so strong that it compels me to have a stronger faith. Also, I would want a husband who has had this faith for a long time. At least as long as I have known my faith, but at least six months is good enough according to a dating book I once read about dating Christian men(that was given to me by my high school sweetheart who I believe hates me)
This is my list of things I want in a (hypothetical) husband that I will never have.
I still remember these things because even though I so desperately wish that I could magically find a man like this, it is so unlikely as to be impossible to occur. I am going to write those ten things down, in order of least important to most important and I want anyone who reads this to imagine these things as a pyramid. The first being the tip and the last being the most important base of the whole thing.
These things are things that cannot be had separately, they are things that would need to be altogether or not there at all. Not having the tip might not be important, but not having a middle piece is very important.
So here it is now, my list of things I want in a (hypothetical) husband.
10. Taller than me
Yes, I know that it cannot be something that is under the control of the man, but it's just a comforting thing to have a man who is 'bigger' than me and it would make me feel smaller and more lady-like and pretty and sexy and stuff. So the man being taller has more to do with how it makes me look/feel than the fact that being taller is just easier for someone like me, who is way to tall for a girl at 5'9(and a quarter inch).
9. Good Manners
You might wonder why this is at this place in the list and it is because I know that good manners can be taught. What I mean by manners is not so much just please and thank you, but a developed sense of empathy, patience, deference for others, modesty, and personal hygiene. It is a basic thing that should be taken for granted, but if it is not present, it can be developed.
8. Good Family
Another thing that I know is not fully in a man control. Who can control who their family is? Yes, but it would be nice for my future husband to have a family that gets along, that is nice. That is good in the sense that they have a good reputation, and honest life, and truly show love to one another.
7 Nice Car
I know this might seem vain and selfish, but the fact remains that what a man drives(what anyone drives) can give you a really good idea of how stable his finances and life are. Now, as well, I do not drive because of my poverty and lack of personal skills and having a husband who can fill that need for me is important as it is important that this vehicle be sound. It doesn't have to be pretty, but if it is clean, well maintained, it can be almost any kind of car. It just has to be one that will work well!
6. Common Traits
I have amended this thing from the list. The one in the notebook said 'things in common' but same difference, right? Now for this thing, I mean that I would want someone who likes some of the same things. Likes the some of the same music, hobbies, books, other entertainment. Having things like this in common would just make life easier. I mean, it doesn't mean that he can't like things that I don't like, just that having completely different tastes in home decor or music or entertainment is very inconvenient and I know from experience that I can never 'convert' anyone, let alone a man, to like the things I like. It would just be so much better if he already liked them. Then we could have real fun together and such. Also it would be nice if my future husband had a similar life to me and experienced some of the same things prior to meeting me.
5 Good Listener
What I mean by this is not a man who says nothing while I rattle on for hours and hours. What I really want is a man who is actually paying attention to the things I am talking about and responding in helpful ways, or just responding. The only way that that I truly know if someone is listening to me is by the way they respond, not just that they allowed me to talk for hours without interrupting. I mean, I would want my husband to do that do, as I would try to listen and respond to him in the same way that I would want as well. Relationships don't work unless the two people can really listen to each other and respond in helpful ways.
4. Common Goals
If I am going to join my life with a man, I need him to have the same overall goals in life as I do. Or at least some of the same goals and hopes. Being simple things like loving God and others and following the principles of the faith that is so vital and most important to me. Also, NOT being obsessed with money or any personal fame or some such nonsense. Not having common goal is always a big problem for many couples.
3 REALLY loves me
Now I know this is very selfish of me, or maybe is it extremely wishful thinking, but I would want a husband who loves me more than I love him. I mean, I would love my husband, but I really want a husband who loves me just a little bit more than I could love him, and I can love people like crazy. Not trying to brag, just the truth. This is probably impossible as it seems that not many people seem to be able to love someone as hard-headed and weird as I am. Although I dream of the possibility, I know that only God loves me, REALLY loves me.
2. Spiritual Knowledge of the Holy Bible
Now we are getting to the nitty-gritty. The things that are truly impossible for men to do, in my personal experience, or just that all the men who can have this things are all unavailable to me. What I really mean by this is that I want a husband who loves the Bible, to whom the Bible is something vital and personal to him as it has been to me and should be to all who love God and call themselves 'Christians'.
1. Faith in Christ that is stronger than mine
This is the thing that seems most impossible because the guys I have known seem to lazy in their faith.
I would want a husband who's faith is so strong that it compels me to have a stronger faith. Also, I would want a husband who has had this faith for a long time. At least as long as I have known my faith, but at least six months is good enough according to a dating book I once read about dating Christian men(that was given to me by my high school sweetheart who I believe hates me)
This is my list of things I want in a (hypothetical) husband that I will never have.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Types of adoptive moms(parents?)
Hey there, so I thought it might be a neat idea to continue with this idea of listing 'types' of people.
I think it's fun to do and I have found other blogs doing this about other stuff and I want to see how far I can take this so without further ado, here is my opinion and idea about what kinds of adoptive moms(parents?) are out there on the Internet today.
Martyr
An adoptive mom who constantly details her pain and suffering and depression about infertility.
Not that this is a bad thing, but there is such a thing as too much of anything.Also, she is the one who is always trying to justify herself as a mom saying stuff like 'I'm the one staying up with him at 2am when he has a fever, that means I'm his mom' and the like.
I mean, I know some women are naturally insecure, but this is a mom who really wants to make sure everyone knows that she's the more important one. She's the one who's doing all the work, blah blah blah..
She is also the one who complains about the birth mom/family. Making them seem like the most horrible people ever to grace the planet, but then totally proving she is lying by messing up basic information while still trying to make excuses for not keeping up with an open adoption agreement. OR she is the one who seems to live in terror of the thought of her child's birth mom/family. Constantly hoping that people will not notice that her children were adopted or being a complete control freak about what other people can ask or say to her. She is the type of women who does not want to hear about her cousin/friend/etc having a baby and cannot even pretend to be happy about others growing families. She is the woman who has unfair expectations of her children and often even had trouble bonding with the children she so strongly believes she has a right to because of her suffering, etc.
Yuppies
Young, idealist, innocent of the difficulties they will face. These are what seem to be the perfect parents.
A strong, playful marriage, a strong faith in religion of some sort, people that are popular and have had almost no real troubles in life and have decided, not because of infertility, but because of some kind of conviction, that adoption is the way they should 'build their family'. They of course the ones that are willing to take on any child most often, and often get more than they expected. They are good people, the kind that are willing to learn and often completely shocked at the traumas occurring in the lives of birth moms and their families.
They are the kind that agencies love, the kind that seem perfect to every birth mom because they are often good looking. They themselves often have all the best intentions and many of them, even down the road, do uphold the promises they made, but often it is a trail by fire for them in many ways and very heartrending, but rewarding.
Alternative
These are the gay/trans/lesbian people that seek adoption for obvious reasons. They are usually much better at understanding or at least accepting the tough realities of adoption and parenting in general. The way they parent is as normal as any other heterosexual couple, but the often face problems of the legal sort that get in the way of daily living. Problems such as equal guardianship which is important for matters of education and heath care as well as things such as vacations and interactions with public organizations such as libraries and recreation centers. As well, many birth moms are looking for a default 'mom and dad' situation, by way of wanting a common situation for their child and ask for heterosexual couples not even thinking about them at all.
Veterans
Adoptive families who have already adopted at least once or have had several adoption related experiences such as failed placements or have worked as foster carers. They are usually older than all others seeking to adopt and know that it is unlikely that they will be a birth moms first choice. Although many are chosen because of their experience and by birth moms who want their child to have older siblings. They are usually not very rich, but very creative in their lives. They are the ones that know what it means to honor the connections that their children have with the past and many have found real friendship with their children's birth moms/family.
I'm too tired to think of more right now, I will probably edit this more later, especially if I get any feed back.
Which is unlikely, but here's hopin'...
I think it's fun to do and I have found other blogs doing this about other stuff and I want to see how far I can take this so without further ado, here is my opinion and idea about what kinds of adoptive moms(parents?) are out there on the Internet today.
Martyr
An adoptive mom who constantly details her pain and suffering and depression about infertility.
Not that this is a bad thing, but there is such a thing as too much of anything.Also, she is the one who is always trying to justify herself as a mom saying stuff like 'I'm the one staying up with him at 2am when he has a fever, that means I'm his mom' and the like.
I mean, I know some women are naturally insecure, but this is a mom who really wants to make sure everyone knows that she's the more important one. She's the one who's doing all the work, blah blah blah..
She is also the one who complains about the birth mom/family. Making them seem like the most horrible people ever to grace the planet, but then totally proving she is lying by messing up basic information while still trying to make excuses for not keeping up with an open adoption agreement. OR she is the one who seems to live in terror of the thought of her child's birth mom/family. Constantly hoping that people will not notice that her children were adopted or being a complete control freak about what other people can ask or say to her. She is the type of women who does not want to hear about her cousin/friend/etc having a baby and cannot even pretend to be happy about others growing families. She is the woman who has unfair expectations of her children and often even had trouble bonding with the children she so strongly believes she has a right to because of her suffering, etc.
Yuppies
Young, idealist, innocent of the difficulties they will face. These are what seem to be the perfect parents.
A strong, playful marriage, a strong faith in religion of some sort, people that are popular and have had almost no real troubles in life and have decided, not because of infertility, but because of some kind of conviction, that adoption is the way they should 'build their family'. They of course the ones that are willing to take on any child most often, and often get more than they expected. They are good people, the kind that are willing to learn and often completely shocked at the traumas occurring in the lives of birth moms and their families.
They are the kind that agencies love, the kind that seem perfect to every birth mom because they are often good looking. They themselves often have all the best intentions and many of them, even down the road, do uphold the promises they made, but often it is a trail by fire for them in many ways and very heartrending, but rewarding.
Alternative
These are the gay/trans/lesbian people that seek adoption for obvious reasons. They are usually much better at understanding or at least accepting the tough realities of adoption and parenting in general. The way they parent is as normal as any other heterosexual couple, but the often face problems of the legal sort that get in the way of daily living. Problems such as equal guardianship which is important for matters of education and heath care as well as things such as vacations and interactions with public organizations such as libraries and recreation centers. As well, many birth moms are looking for a default 'mom and dad' situation, by way of wanting a common situation for their child and ask for heterosexual couples not even thinking about them at all.
Veterans
Adoptive families who have already adopted at least once or have had several adoption related experiences such as failed placements or have worked as foster carers. They are usually older than all others seeking to adopt and know that it is unlikely that they will be a birth moms first choice. Although many are chosen because of their experience and by birth moms who want their child to have older siblings. They are usually not very rich, but very creative in their lives. They are the ones that know what it means to honor the connections that their children have with the past and many have found real friendship with their children's birth moms/family.
I'm too tired to think of more right now, I will probably edit this more later, especially if I get any feed back.
Which is unlikely, but here's hopin'...
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