Monday, June 27, 2016

Reasons staying 'single' is the best life for me

There are times when I wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend or even go on dates, but then I consider all the trouble that brings I want to make a list of reasons that life is better alone.

1. I can do whatever I want whenever I want and rarely consult anyone else. I mean I let my mom know where I am because I live with her (as a roommate) and just to be nice, but I don't have to tell her where I am going or what I am doing. Being with a romantic partner would involve thinking of them for every single little thing I want to do because all my spare time would then belong to them. I'm sorry, but I like being able to attend a yoga class at 8 in the morning and watch whatever I want and just do silly things like play with my cat and color in my coloring books. It's not like I do anything bad, but I feel like if I had a boyfriend, and from what I have heard, I'd have to consult them about my every move. That's just giving up my freedom and not fun.

2. All my money belongs to me, now being as I gave up my right to parent, I do not have any human dependents and my mom helps me with the care and maintenance of  my cat (which is not much really) I realized a long time ago that I can barely take care of myself, let alone someone else. Every woman I know in a partnership with another person complains about or just plainly states that they give up much of their money to help their partner. I am just now paying off my debts, I have no desire to take on anyone else's or the responsibility for their welfare. I respect that others do it for love, but it seems really very impractical. I know my strengths and I COULD be that woman doing everything for everyone, but if I don't have too, I choose not too.

3. Why I choose not to involve myself in the welfare of someone else? Because they rarely care about me the way I care about them. Usually I am just opening myself up to abuse, as with the case of most of the woman I know who are in long term relationships. Abuse is common and extremely damaging to a person in every way possible.

4. Even if I dated someone and they liked me and were nice to me, I just can not afford it. It's enough that I spend time with a good friend once a month or so. I always consider the cost. Taking off time to go to a friends party means that I am giving up a day of work and that day's pay. I could afford this every six months or so, but not all the time as the case with dating would be. Also with dating there's the cost of looking nice, clothes, makeup, etc.

5. Men expect woman to be perfect while they are lazy slobs and also take for granted all the work they do to 'woo' them. As in make them (or bring them) food and presents, maybe help them clean their home or whatever because a woman sees a mess and cannot let it be, it is just a fact.
I know that my body had many flaws and men give themselves a pass on many of the same body issues that woman are shamed for. If I am not with a man, I can have whatever shape of body I want. I mean, I'm a size 6, but I have stretch marks, veins that pop out, weird brown spots all over my body and floppy skin because I went from a size 19 to a size 6. My feet are just a mess, but I was born with that problem, and even though my complexion is mostly good, I have a weird face and almost never spend any time on my hair (except to shampoo it once or twice a week).
In short, I am fit and healthy, but not a model or anywhere near the standard of beauty that is expected. I like to hide my body and be the only one who likes everything about it. I like being allowed to be ugly as the other old lady swimmers at the pool and not feel guilty about it.

6. Mainly the downsides out weigh the benefits. For the chance at a bit of that madness that people call 'being in love' I am unwilling to give up all that defines me as a independent woman who is not hurting anyone by being single. It probably is a benefit to many that I remain single. I can be the most reliable worker, and devote my life to doing small things for strangers and charities without the excuse that 'I have a 'family' to take care of'

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

About online dating

In the last 10 years I have been occasionally trying online dating.
Mostly without any success. Just 2 months ago I had 3 dates with a very nice guy who decided never to contact me again for reasons I'll probably never know.

This has been on my mind a while, and I've been really overly focused on it so I figure I should just get out all the things I have learned or experienced from online dating.

1. The guys who I want will rarely message me back, but the guys I couldn't care less about, the young stupid, or just stupid and totally the opposite of everything I want in a man, those guys will always try and contact me, in very bad grammar.
2. Online dating is mostly for cheaters. People who are divorced, or divorcing, people who don't like their current relationships or who were dumped or might soon be dumped.
3. Guys never read the important details if your picture is at all good.
4. If you picture is only OK, they will reject you for any information that seems TMI
(of which I put too much of on all my profiles)
5. Success stories are about 5% of members, most people who do online dating will not find a good partner.
6. Dating sites are bad at keeping out scammers
7. The cost of membership will never be explained, also you might get to do 2-3 'freebie' services like messaging or chat, but then you will suddenly be prompted to pay.
8. Pop-up ads will always feature really sexy woman, and I have my settings on the fact that I am looking for a single man.
9. Short guys are the kindest but the ones I least want, because dude, I'm 5'9. I don't want to bend over to kiss you!!
10. Everyone is either in their 50's or 20's. People in their 30-40's are rare
11. Usually people message you about 2-4 times and that's the end of it, if a date doesn't happen, it's never going to happen.
12. Most of the people who have 'good' profiles are already dating and just 'forgot' their profile was still up.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Reasons why I live with my mom

As an adult I know I should be more independent but I feel as though I mostly am.
Many people act like they are independent adults but actually many of them struggle on their own and never let others know the truth.
So I'm going to state the reasons why for me, living with my mom is better for me.
All reasons are equal and I'm just stating them as I think of them, but I'm going to number them.

1. Rent is negotiable. I work a job that doesn't guarantee that I make the same every month.
Also, I know exactly the cost of all the bills and pay my portion most of the time.
I like being able to pay what I can when I can and not be totally broke all the time.
2. My belongings and person are respected. Every time I have lived in a place that is not my mom house, I have had my belongings and person disrespected somehow. Either by right out theft or destruction or just simply been accused of things that are not my fault. My mom doesn't do either. Most of the time. She did give away a vintage TV I wanted and sometimes confuses her cooking mess with whatever I have done.
3. As much as my mom can be annoying, her accountability helps me be more responsible.
Because of her, I go to bed at a respectable hour, I do my part to clean and take part in other chores.
On my own, I have let milk turn solid, forgotten meat in a microwave for 2 weeks among other things.
4. When I lived on my own, I had this horrible feeling of being alone. My mom had it too, when I wasn't here and would call me and have nothing to talk to me about really. She just was creeped out by being alone.
Now, we don't always talk to each other, but knowing the other in the house somehow gives us both a sense of peace. For my mom, being alone is uncomfortable after almost her whole life having been a parent and a wife, and before that caring for her many siblings. She needs someone she can sort of 'take care of' once in a while as much as she would complain about helping me.
5. My mom and I can work well together, eat most of the same food, watch the same TV shows and really have many of the same social goals. Those being to be a part of the rest of our family, for that it seems we need to have a joint effort. Separate efforts have not worked. Also to encourage faith in daily life.
My mom keeps me from having sex with men just by being someone who I live with.
6. I feel safer and more comfortable in my mom house than I ever have had in any other home.
I have tried to live on my own many times, for almost half my adult life. It does not work and I come away from those experiences having lost more than I ever gained.
7. I am allowed to come and go as I please as long as I tell her where I am and what I am doing.
Being that my mom has my best interests at heart, it's my pleasure to let her know where I am.
Not many people care about me like my mom does, probably no one but Jesus.
8. I get to have a cat and the neighbors don't have loud wild parties at all hours of the night.
They do other things that are annoying, but at least I can expect the slamming of the van doors at 4am only once a day.

Of all these reasons. 4 is the most compelling for me. As much as my mom is not perfect and sometimes treats me with some disrespect. I know she loves me in her own way and always does whatever she can to help me be a better person. I hope I have the same effect on her.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Things I learned from 'Frozen'

Recently I had the chance to see a movie and happened to see 'Frozen'.
I've been thinking about it and I want to list all the things I have learned from watching it.

Given it was a fun movie to watch, and I know that it is a movie and should not be compared to real life, but I'm going to do that anyways.
Facts about the Frozen world.(these are not in order of importance, just as I think of them)

1. Magical ice is extremely strong. I mean, grown men can run on a staircase made of it, even hang from that staircase and it won't crack or anything! Also a grown woman can run on it with ballet flats and not slip or fall but a moose will totally fumble all over the stairs, but again, these stairs made of magical ice won't show any sign of the slightest damage from this activity. Also, a girl turned into this ice by happenstance can shatter a steel sword in a split second. It can also break through walls and destroy any barrier in it's path, but only when emotionally motivated.
2. Child princesses have no need of physical care givers and no need of food or drink most of the time they just run around singing about how much they want to play with snow.
3. If it's suddenly really cold all the time in the town where it used to be all sunshine and flowers, you should stand around in the town square complaining about it instead of staying home and using that brick hole in the wall that has a rack that holds stack of cut wood. You know, a fireplace. Maybe they didn't use them for so long that they forgot how...
4. Horses can understand English and have eyes that face forward. This is actually true for many animated films, but it has always bugged me because they are trying for 'realism' but add silly effects that have no real purpose.
5. It's really upsetting when your sister finds a guy she wants to marry because then the focus is off you and your problem of guilt about lying and hiding your true self.
6. Little sisters love their older sisters unconditionally even when they've been lied too and abandoned, they will still believe only good things about their sister who could kill her with magic by accident.
Or even when she knows she's dying because of what her sister did, still she believes that her sister 'would never hurt her'
7. Being struck by a magic icy blast can give you gray hair, or white hair.
8. Not one person suffers any long term effects from being in cold weather with little protection.
In real life, people would have died, had hypothermia, had frost bite that blackens fingers, toes and noses if they had gone through the same situations in real life.
9. The dumb but honestly good guy who tries to the right thing will eventually be able to do it.
Even when the chances of someone coming back from a half-day's travel in less than 10 minutes are less than impossible.
10. Magically snow can have a real personality and life that never stops, even when it should not be possible, even with the rules of magic in the setting of the world.
11. Being emotionally damaged is super sexy and magical clothes never look bad, or get dirty. The same with hair, even 'messed' up, it is still perfectly shiny and easily styled, in like seconds to the moment of a very important presentation.
12. Singing songs is the best way to communicate an important message. Especially repeating the same words over and over, even when they don't make sense, should make them seem to make perfect sense.
13. Bad guys always have stupid sounding names that give away their true intentions.
14. Family is forever and is the truest form of love, even when the only family left are 2 sisters who don't even seem to mourn for the loss of their parents(IDK what really happened to the king and queen because I had to visit the toilet, so I might ask someone and get back to you.)
15. Trolls are made of moss-covered rocks and have magical healing powers. Or one of them does and the others are just lovable silly people who accept anyone they see.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Gym pet peeves

For the past almost 2 years I have been working out at my local YMCA and I do enjoy many of the activities I do there.
I also have quite a few things to say about my experience and these are my biggest pet peeves.
All are equal in annoying-ness but I'm going to number them anyways.

1. Excuses from others about why they haven't worked out or why they don't want too.
I have known a few people that are really just at the gym to 'hook up'.
Emotional trauma is given as a frequent reason for bailing on workouts, and I don't want to seem mean or unsympathetic, but I have gone through many troubles in my life and none have made me fat except having a baby.
Technically I weighed less after giving birth than I did almost 2 years ago when I signed up to be a member at the Y in September of 2012. I know I weighed about 170-80 lbs after I had Parker, and the summer of 2012 I weighed 215 lbs+ now I weigh 144 lbs on a good day, and only a few pounds more other wise.
So even having a baby isn't really a good excuse for being fat or not working out.
When people say they are lazy they are being honest and that makes them think it's OK, it's still not
2. When people make comments to me that are not based in reality.
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but because I do drop-in classes frequently (2-4 times a week)
I sort of make friends. I like these people and I notice when they are not there in the class with me.
The annoying bit is when the show up after a month or two and say TO ME 'Haven't seen you in a while, been taking a break?" When I am the one who was there every single week at the same time, same day, AND THEY WERE NOT! It's like they are trying to make it seem like I am the lazy one and they are the truly committed to fitness person. Which brings me to the next pet-peeve.
3. People who look great without even trying. Skinny girls with boobs and butts galore and smooth unblemished skin who don't even try as hard as I do while wearing designer workout clothes they claim were really cheap and those clothes just fit them like they were painted on without any bulging or anything.
Meanwhile I am in my too-short 'long' tank top that I covered with second hand athletic t-shirt that is baggy on the top but almost too tight on the bottom and my workout shorts that are baggy in the crotch but create a muffin top at the waist. Technically I am usually 'smaller'(or about the same size) as a whole than these awesome looking people and do the exercises in better form for longer than all of them as well.
It's not fair that I work so hard to be what the pretty girls are normally and they barely try to be better.
4.Weird guys that stare at me or are just 'around' just their existence is worrying.
I mean, they don't usually do anything wrong. They are just that fat, excessively hairy man in the hot tub that when I see him, I'm thinking "oh man, now I can't be in the hot tub because who know if he even wipes his ass when he goes to the bathroom". Or that overly muscled guy that grunts while lifting weights. Or that man that tries to talk to you for no apparent reason. Or the ones who hog the machines and almost break them.
5. The kids and people who just 'hang out' without working out at all.
People that are just in the way of what I want to do bother me no matter where they are, but at the gym I feel like I have a limited time to get my workout done and I don't have the courage to get the loiterers kicked out. Although I've seen them be kicked out, so I must not be the only one who is annoyed by them.
6. Stupid people. People who have no idea what they are doing and even when they get help they don't learn, they don't get it and they don't respect anyone else who does. People who complain about being fat all the time, or people that just use things wrong or hold up a class because they repeatedly claim they can't do something. Truth is that they just aren't trying hard enough. I try to have mercy for them for a while, but most of the time I actually want them to either smarten up or leave. That's what I would do if I were them!

That's all I can think of for now. I might think of more later.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

I hope can deal...

Apparently the Internet (and life) is randomly mean to me at the most unexpected times.
Honestly I should be used to this by now. Things work really great and then suddenly for reasons unknown to me the things I count on staying the same change with little or no warning.

Happens all the time. My last remaining Grandparent died on Thursday. I can't afford to go to the funeral, but my sister Steph is going so at least my mom won't be alone(it's her mom that died, she needs to be at that funeral). Cause really when I went to my Grandpas funeral the point was to support my mom, but really Steph is her favorite and they really get along much better than I do with her. I just re-read the posts I made when my Grandpa died in May of 2012 and boy do I sound like a selfish brat, but I'm honest about what I feel. I think that's the idea of blogging.

At times of crisis I find it hard to trust that things will work out OK, but they often do!
I mean, thinking back on that time in May 2012, everything was good. Staying at my Grandpa old apartment, good. Flying there and back, good. I worried for nothing back then, but then isn't worry always for nothing. God already knows everything and He's just waiting for me to calm down so I can see how things are just the way they are supposed to be.

My Grandma funeral will be more special than my Grandpa because everyone knew she was dying for months. Her body just couldn't recover from all the bladder and gallbladder and what else was infected in her stomach anymore. She was in constant pain and nothing made it better, not really anyways.
It's a blessing that she's no longer suffering and everyone is sure that she's with Jesus.
Her faith was something about her that wasn't really 'loud' but obvious none the less.

I'm really glad I had that time with her in May 2012 to know that she was her own brand of totally awesome.
It would have been terrible if I had believe she had really lost her mind. I'll never believe that she forgot anything at this point. Calendars were her 'thing' she knew all the birthdays of her children, grandchildren, and wedding dates too. She was the 'boss' of the family, just her presence made people straighten up and act right, for the most part.

The silly thing is I'll always remember the odd things. For example when she visited us my sister and I would have to practically race her to the chores, because if we didn't get to them, she would be doing them.
Then my mom would be like 'Why are you letting Grandma wash the dishes?! She's on vacation!'
Also we didn't want my mom to be embarrassed to her mom. She wanted to show that she was raising her kids right. Good kids do the chores without being asked and stuff, I guess.

Saw a photo video montage that they are going to play at the funeral. One of my aunties sent it to me.
It's nice, there's a picture of my Grandma doing dishes in this house (which is also my childhood home)
There isn't any pictures of me, but most of the cousins that live in Manitoba. Although there's a picture of my sister Lydia with Tyler and my niece when she was just a baby. I guess the montage had to include some reference to great-grandchildren. My Grandma only met my nieces about 3 times, it's fortunate they got some pictures.

It really sucks that I can't make it to the funeral, but that's life. During my time of being an adult I've learned that things don't always work out they way you hope and you just have to deal with that reality.
When I was a child, my family attended at least 5 funerals out of province and I didn't think that much about the cost, it was just done. Someone in the family dies, you go to the funeral, no matter what.
Reality is that it was my dad that forced us all to go to those events, he felt compelled.

Happenstance really rules my life sometimes. When good things happen, I am usually not the cause or the reason, when bad things, or just uncomfortable things happen, sometimes I get to be part of the 'action' and sometimes I just have to deal on my own with what I feel and think.
I'm really used to just dealing with things on my own. It's simpler and seems easier and less embarrassing.

So soon after Christmas I don't think I can handle being around all the family type people.
I just really want to disconnect from real life and take a break from feeling like my life is not in my control.
Giving up control is the most peaceful thing to do, and usually the right thing to do.
Really the only way I can deal. Just trust God, he knows what I need.

If I can starve for a day or two because I ran out of money, if I can live on less than people are supposed to live on. If I can manage my own emotions without resorting to substance abuse, then I can deal with the internet being snotty about what browser I use and credit cards not updating payment info when they expire and working in a pointless job where I can hurt myself often and being a weirdo who wants to just ignore the world and read a book. I think I need a walk to McD's..

Yeah, I can deal. I have too.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Acceptance goes both ways

Today is the day after Christmas and it really went OK for the most part.
Everyone mostly treated everyone else with respect and kindness, even my brother who usually is totally horrible. He didn't give me anything for Christmas but he got the kids cool stuff, so I guess that's what's most important. I've been saying for years that I don't care so much about getting stuff, but I do LIKE getting stuff. For all the money and effort that goes into what I give, I think I should deserve some compensation but I know I should give without actually expecting anything in return.

I already got more than I expected already. Someone from the weird little church near my house put a gift card with an anonymous letter, so that was really my compensation for all the other stuff I burned money on, mostly.

Everyone once in a while there are things and people in life that I can't understand or get past an 'ick' factor. Like this guy friend I once knew is now in common law partnership with his former youth leader (a woman more than a decade older than him, but she looks really young).
Or just the fact that most of my coworkers do not know or spend any time with their siblings(or any other blood related family) for any reason, not even Christmas.

But I should be more understanding that most, after all I am usual myself being a birth mom in an open adoption. Most people cannot understand that, or that I am still 'friends' with Jacob (birth dad).
There are many times that I don't really understand it myself, I just live it. I can't explain how it works, it just does, most of the time.

I mean, I know I should be feeling terrible about not being normal, but I really don't care that I'm not normal because I feel healthy this way. My choices have seemed to lead to many good things for my son, and I won't ever regret that just because I 'should' be his mom. Sometimes I feel guilty for not at least trying, and I do miss him and wish I could show more people how awesome the baby I gave birth too is getting all the time, but that's not necessary.

What's necessary is that everyone feels loved and is healthy. I try to show I care about others in what I give them, even if they don't care that I care about them.

Someday I'll be more comfortable with alternate realities like Sunday School Teachers marrying their students and people with beautiful lives divorcing and old boyfriends wanting to befriend me and such. Just as people hopefully will become more comfortable with the idea that love does not always look the way you think it should.