Things I learned from 'Frozen'

Recently I had the chance to see a movie and happened to see 'Frozen'.
I've been thinking about it and I want to list all the things I have learned from watching it.

Given it was a fun movie to watch, and I know that it is a movie and should not be compared to real life, but I'm going to do that anyways.
Facts about the Frozen world.(these are not in order of importance, just as I think of them)

1. Magical ice is extremely strong. I mean, grown men can run on a staircase made of it, even hang from that staircase and it won't crack or anything! Also a grown woman can run on it with ballet flats and not slip or fall but a moose will totally fumble all over the stairs, but again, these stairs made of magical ice won't show any sign of the slightest damage from this activity. Also, a girl turned into this ice by happenstance can shatter a steel sword in a split second. It can also break through walls and destroy any barrier in it's path, but only when emotionally motivated.
2. Child princesses have no need of physical care givers and no need of food or drink most of the time they just run around singing about how much they want to play with snow.
3. If it's suddenly really cold all the time in the town where it used to be all sunshine and flowers, you should stand around in the town square complaining about it instead of staying home and using that brick hole in the wall that has a rack that holds stack of cut wood. You know, a fireplace. Maybe they didn't use them for so long that they forgot how...
4. Horses can understand English and have eyes that face forward. This is actually true for many animated films, but it has always bugged me because they are trying for 'realism' but add silly effects that have no real purpose.
5. It's really upsetting when your sister finds a guy she wants to marry because then the focus is off you and your problem of guilt about lying and hiding your true self.
6. Little sisters love their older sisters unconditionally even when they've been lied too and abandoned, they will still believe only good things about their sister who could kill her with magic by accident.
Or even when she knows she's dying because of what her sister did, still she believes that her sister 'would never hurt her'
7. Being struck by a magic icy blast can give you gray hair, or white hair.
8. Not one person suffers any long term effects from being in cold weather with little protection.
In real life, people would have died, had hypothermia, had frost bite that blackens fingers, toes and noses if they had gone through the same situations in real life.
9. The dumb but honestly good guy who tries to the right thing will eventually be able to do it.
Even when the chances of someone coming back from a half-day's travel in less than 10 minutes are less than impossible.
10. Magically snow can have a real personality and life that never stops, even when it should not be possible, even with the rules of magic in the setting of the world.
11. Being emotionally damaged is super sexy and magical clothes never look bad, or get dirty. The same with hair, even 'messed' up, it is still perfectly shiny and easily styled, in like seconds to the moment of a very important presentation.
12. Singing songs is the best way to communicate an important message. Especially repeating the same words over and over, even when they don't make sense, should make them seem to make perfect sense.
13. Bad guys always have stupid sounding names that give away their true intentions.
14. Family is forever and is the truest form of love, even when the only family left are 2 sisters who don't even seem to mourn for the loss of their parents(IDK what really happened to the king and queen because I had to visit the toilet, so I might ask someone and get back to you.)
15. Trolls are made of moss-covered rocks and have magical healing powers. Or one of them does and the others are just lovable silly people who accept anyone they see.

Gym pet peeves

For the past almost 2 years I have been working out at my local YMCA and I do enjoy many of the activities I do there.
I also have quite a few things to say about my experience and these are my biggest pet peeves.
All are equal in annoying-ness but I'm going to number them anyways.

1. Excuses from others about why they haven't worked out or why they don't want too.
I have known a few people that are really just at the gym to 'hook up'.
Emotional trauma is given as a frequent reason for bailing on workouts, and I don't want to seem mean or unsympathetic, but I have gone through many troubles in my life and none have made me fat except having a baby.
Technically I weighed less after giving birth than I did almost 2 years ago when I signed up to be a member at the Y in September of 2012. I know I weighed about 170-80 lbs after I had Parker, and the summer of 2012 I weighed 215 lbs+ now I weigh 144 lbs on a good day, and only a few pounds more other wise.
So even having a baby isn't really a good excuse for being fat or not working out.
When people say they are lazy they are being honest and that makes them think it's OK, it's still not
2. When people make comments to me that are not based in reality.
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but because I do drop-in classes frequently (2-4 times a week)
I sort of make friends. I like these people and I notice when they are not there in the class with me.
The annoying bit is when the show up after a month or two and say TO ME 'Haven't seen you in a while, been taking a break?" When I am the one who was there every single week at the same time, same day, AND THEY WERE NOT! It's like they are trying to make it seem like I am the lazy one and they are the truly committed to fitness person. Which brings me to the next pet-peeve.
3. People who look great without even trying. Skinny girls with boobs and butts galore and smooth unblemished skin who don't even try as hard as I do while wearing designer workout clothes they claim were really cheap and those clothes just fit them like they were painted on without any bulging or anything.
Meanwhile I am in my too-short 'long' tank top that I covered with second hand athletic t-shirt that is baggy on the top but almost too tight on the bottom and my workout shorts that are baggy in the crotch but create a muffin top at the waist. Technically I am usually 'smaller'(or about the same size) as a whole than these awesome looking people and do the exercises in better form for longer than all of them as well.
It's not fair that I work so hard to be what the pretty girls are normally and they barely try to be better.
4.Weird guys that stare at me or are just 'around' just their existence is worrying.
I mean, they don't usually do anything wrong. They are just that fat, excessively hairy man in the hot tub that when I see him, I'm thinking "oh man, now I can't be in the hot tub because who know if he even wipes his ass when he goes to the bathroom". Or that overly muscled guy that grunts while lifting weights. Or that man that tries to talk to you for no apparent reason. Or the ones who hog the machines and almost break them.
5. The kids and people who just 'hang out' without working out at all.
People that are just in the way of what I want to do bother me no matter where they are, but at the gym I feel like I have a limited time to get my workout done and I don't have the courage to get the loiterers kicked out. Although I've seen them be kicked out, so I must not be the only one who is annoyed by them.
6. Stupid people. People who have no idea what they are doing and even when they get help they don't learn, they don't get it and they don't respect anyone else who does. People who complain about being fat all the time, or people that just use things wrong or hold up a class because they repeatedly claim they can't do something. Truth is that they just aren't trying hard enough. I try to have mercy for them for a while, but most of the time I actually want them to either smarten up or leave. That's what I would do if I were them!

That's all I can think of for now. I might think of more later.

I hope can deal...

Apparently the Internet (and life) is randomly mean to me at the most unexpected times.
Honestly I should be used to this by now. Things work really great and then suddenly for reasons unknown to me the things I count on staying the same change with little or no warning.

Happens all the time. My last remaining Grandparent died on Thursday. I can't afford to go to the funeral, but my sister Steph is going so at least my mom won't be alone(it's her mom that died, she needs to be at that funeral). Cause really when I went to my Grandpas funeral the point was to support my mom, but really Steph is her favorite and they really get along much better than I do with her. I just re-read the posts I made when my Grandpa died in May of 2012 and boy do I sound like a selfish brat, but I'm honest about what I feel. I think that's the idea of blogging.

At times of crisis I find it hard to trust that things will work out OK, but they often do!
I mean, thinking back on that time in May 2012, everything was good. Staying at my Grandpa old apartment, good. Flying there and back, good. I worried for nothing back then, but then isn't worry always for nothing. God already knows everything and He's just waiting for me to calm down so I can see how things are just the way they are supposed to be.

My Grandma funeral will be more special than my Grandpa because everyone knew she was dying for months. Her body just couldn't recover from all the bladder and gallbladder and what else was infected in her stomach anymore. She was in constant pain and nothing made it better, not really anyways.
It's a blessing that she's no longer suffering and everyone is sure that she's with Jesus.
Her faith was something about her that wasn't really 'loud' but obvious none the less.

I'm really glad I had that time with her in May 2012 to know that she was her own brand of totally awesome.
It would have been terrible if I had believe she had really lost her mind. I'll never believe that she forgot anything at this point. Calendars were her 'thing' she knew all the birthdays of her children, grandchildren, and wedding dates too. She was the 'boss' of the family, just her presence made people straighten up and act right, for the most part.

The silly thing is I'll always remember the odd things. For example when she visited us my sister and I would have to practically race her to the chores, because if we didn't get to them, she would be doing them.
Then my mom would be like 'Why are you letting Grandma wash the dishes?! She's on vacation!'
Also we didn't want my mom to be embarrassed to her mom. She wanted to show that she was raising her kids right. Good kids do the chores without being asked and stuff, I guess.

Saw a photo video montage that they are going to play at the funeral. One of my aunties sent it to me.
It's nice, there's a picture of my Grandma doing dishes in this house (which is also my childhood home)
There isn't any pictures of me, but most of the cousins that live in Manitoba. Although there's a picture of my sister Lydia with Tyler and my niece when she was just a baby. I guess the montage had to include some reference to great-grandchildren. My Grandma only met my nieces about 3 times, it's fortunate they got some pictures.

It really sucks that I can't make it to the funeral, but that's life. During my time of being an adult I've learned that things don't always work out they way you hope and you just have to deal with that reality.
When I was a child, my family attended at least 5 funerals out of province and I didn't think that much about the cost, it was just done. Someone in the family dies, you go to the funeral, no matter what.
Reality is that it was my dad that forced us all to go to those events, he felt compelled.

Happenstance really rules my life sometimes. When good things happen, I am usually not the cause or the reason, when bad things, or just uncomfortable things happen, sometimes I get to be part of the 'action' and sometimes I just have to deal on my own with what I feel and think.
I'm really used to just dealing with things on my own. It's simpler and seems easier and less embarrassing.

So soon after Christmas I don't think I can handle being around all the family type people.
I just really want to disconnect from real life and take a break from feeling like my life is not in my control.
Giving up control is the most peaceful thing to do, and usually the right thing to do.
Really the only way I can deal. Just trust God, he knows what I need.

If I can starve for a day or two because I ran out of money, if I can live on less than people are supposed to live on. If I can manage my own emotions without resorting to substance abuse, then I can deal with the internet being snotty about what browser I use and credit cards not updating payment info when they expire and working in a pointless job where I can hurt myself often and being a weirdo who wants to just ignore the world and read a book. I think I need a walk to McD's..

Yeah, I can deal. I have too.
 

Acceptance goes both ways

Today is the day after Christmas and it really went OK for the most part.
Everyone mostly treated everyone else with respect and kindness, even my brother who usually is totally horrible. He didn't give me anything for Christmas but he got the kids cool stuff, so I guess that's what's most important. I've been saying for years that I don't care so much about getting stuff, but I do LIKE getting stuff. For all the money and effort that goes into what I give, I think I should deserve some compensation but I know I should give without actually expecting anything in return.

I already got more than I expected already. Someone from the weird little church near my house put a gift card with an anonymous letter, so that was really my compensation for all the other stuff I burned money on, mostly.

Everyone once in a while there are things and people in life that I can't understand or get past an 'ick' factor. Like this guy friend I once knew is now in common law partnership with his former youth leader (a woman more than a decade older than him, but she looks really young).
Or just the fact that most of my coworkers do not know or spend any time with their siblings(or any other blood related family) for any reason, not even Christmas.


But I should be more understanding that most, after all I am usual myself being a birth mom in an open adoption. Most people cannot understand that, or that I am still 'friends' with Jacob (birth dad).
There are many times that I don't really understand it myself, I just live it. I can't explain how it works, it just does, most of the time.

I mean, I know I should be feeling terrible about not being normal, but I really don't care that I'm not normal because I feel healthy this way. My choices have seemed to lead to many good things for my son, and I won't ever regret that just because I 'should' be his mom. Sometimes I feel guilty for not at least trying, and I do miss him and wish I could show more people how awesome the baby I gave birth too is getting all the time, but that's not necessary.

What's necessary is that everyone feels loved and is healthy. I try to show I care about others in what I give them, even if they don't care that I care about them.

Someday I'll be more comfortable with alternate realities like Sunday School Teachers marrying their students and people with beautiful lives divorcing and old boyfriends wanting to befriend me and such. Just as people hopefully will become more comfortable with the idea that love does not always look the way you think it should.

My 'Don't Care' is at 100%

It seems like everyone thinks that being part of a couple should be the main goal of your life, but I don't.
To me it's just way too much effort for pain and suffering.
Right now, as a unmarried woman, I am comfortable with my existence.

Each time I have been a part of a romantic relationship(with 2 males(different times, years apart), I am heterosexual) it has meant some exciting times, paired with the most devastating effects on my life ever.

Risking my life is no longer worth the trouble. Even though I dabble in online dating, even chatting up really interesting profiles, I know nothing will happen because I will make sure and shut it down before anything serious happens.

The fantasy of a good husband who has gentle sex with me and lets me read as much as I want while providing for some of my basic needs (shelter, food, etc) is just a fantasy.
In realty, all relationships have ever done is take away from all my basic needs and torture me with abuse.
I'm not anxious to open myself to abuse, I feel loved by God and that's more than enough love.

Honestly! I think all these weird stories of woman crying about being 'single' are stupid and annoying.
I'm not crying about being single, I never have and I never will. I cry about my dignity being stripped from me because a selfish man wants to make me feel bad because he feels stupid or weak.

Really I have better things to do than make a man feel good about himself at my expense.
Men have rarely make me feel good about myself, even if they have, they take it back and then some so any nice things they ever did for me are less than worthless.

My self esteem comes from my faith and my hope is in Jesus, the only one who really loves me completely. I mean, some people might think they honestly care about me, but they will never know me like the one who made my every cell and has my life in His total control.

I believe that as I continue to surrender to my Lord, the more freedom I will have and I will never need to seek out a male companion.

There may actually be a man out there who's supposed to be with me or to whom I would be a good companion, but that man is too lazy and stupid to find me, so it's his loss.

I'm good by myself. I don't care what others think anymore.
I really wish I could go back to my teenage self and tell her to stop caring what other people think because what they think is all worthless and isn't worth the effort of the worry.

I like enjoying my life doing whatever I want. I really don't want to do bad things.
Having the freedom to give to charity and to focus on loving the world of people that need love is better that loving a man who's supposed to love you and is probably just using you to fulfill his selfish wants and not caring a damn about your needs or anything.

My Melancholy

There are probably many people who would disagree with me but I know I have depression.
I believe I've felt depressed almost my whole life. Probably because my mom and I didn't bond well at birth or something or I was just born with a chemical make up that makes me feel like killing myself often.

Honestly it's a miracle that I don't jump in front of a train or try too everyday, because I often feel like I should. I feel guilty for existing because when I really think about it, there is noone that really cares about me.
I mean there are bunches of people who sort of care about me and would be hurt if I did actually kill myself.

Also angels hold me back from doing it. God gave me life, I gave my life to God in faith and I doubt that I have the power to override God's will and His will is for me to be alive and effect the world around me.
Well, at least be someone who doesn't make anyone's life harder for being around. At least I hope not.

I have a right to my feelings. Even when I feel the negative messages overwhelming me about how imperfect I am and how rude I am and how I am ugly and so on and so on.

Recently I wrote a poem for my experience at YMCA and the fitness instructor hasn't emailed me back so now I'm totally second-guessing my decision to even write a poem. I really kind of like it. I changed it a bit and I worry that it's really weird and that it will be seen as stupid. All because she didn't email me back yet. But it's only been a few hours. Seriously, she probably has a ton of email. She probably hasn't even looked at her messages since I sent that poem to her.

Maybe it would be for the best if she didn't post it or like it. Other people are probably more 'inspiring' than I am...
This is my struggle. I feel like I'm worthless even when people tell me I'm not. I can't even believe them.
I'm glad I have faith. I know God meant to make me and I have to focus on how perfect God's love for me is not because I'm perfect but because He is.

So not me...

For some strange reason I'm becoming a girly-girl somehow. I mean, I'm becoming what is not 'normal' for me or has not been for most of my life. I mean, I go through fazes like everyone where I try something new for a while. For example when I was 18-20 I wore makeup, lots of makeup, and now I usually don't wear anything but some thick skin cream once in a while, when I remember or my face feels stiff from swimming in chlorine at the YMCA.
Anyways, I most often do not care about the current fashion trends as long as I don't look horribly 'off' in what I have chosen to wear. I mean, I try to be decent and unique.
I think my compulsion to be 'unique' has started me make me seek out over-the-top lady looks that really I would usually say are 'not my style'.
What I mean is recently I broke the glasses I had since Parker was born(8yrs). I sat on them by accident. I glued them together a few times, but they were really ratty. The paint on them was coming off and they were all scratched from using paper towels and other stupid stuff to clean them. My new glasses are kind of old lady style now

Where as my old glasses(me in the banner) were black and simple. These ones are purple and have fake 'bling' on the side. And I feel like they make me look a bit richer. Probably not. They were the most unique frames in the place in bought them from. I had just gone through and looked at a couple walls of 'simple' designer frames that were out of my price range and then the sales guy showed me these and they were much less then I expected to pay so I was all excited to buy them.
Now I think I might have made a silly choice. Just like my recent clothes purchases. I started working at a thrift store a couple months ago and they actually have some really neat stuff. Some of it with original tags on it and smelling like it has never been worn. So I bought 2 party dresses. A red one and a black one. Also some skinny jeans and a belt with a buckle that is totally sparkly(really only because I couldn't find anything more simple or better that fit) This is mostly because in the last 8 months I've lost about 60 pounds working out and eating mostly fruits and veggies. Putting on these clothes makes me feel a sense of victory that I CAN control my life even though much of the time I feel like I'm not really in control, but I'm trying really really hard and surrendering the rest to God, or it all to God when I feel like the world hates me, or realize it really does.
I've only done this 'life' change of losing weight because so many people discouraged me from losing weight. Telling me that I was fine the way I was... blah, blah, blah all the while talking about losing weight themselves and I thought, if they're doing it, I should be allowed to do it too. Whenever people tell me I can't do something, I have to prove them wrong. Even if they don't even care or remember me or by happenstance have any contact with me and are unlikely to notice or like that I've lost all my excess weight and they haven't. It's become one of my biggest pet peeves. People who only talk about achieving a goal and act like they are doing something to get it done, but really they are doing as little as they can so that they can say that they tried, but really they didn't give it all the effort they could have because it wasn't comfortable or easy.
I hate it when people think being comfortable all the time is important. I mean, I love being comfortable most of the time too, but I know that being uncomfortable sometimes is a reality that I have to accept.
I know that not everyone(or 99% of the world) is going to like me at all. It hurts my feelings, yes, but I expect to be rejected, not because I think I'm horrible, just because I know I'm incredibly unique and people are selfish, they don't want to learn new things or know someone who is too different from themselves, even if the ways that I'm different than them will teach them to live better.
I know that I'm gonna crave unhealthy food so I stock as much good food as possible(apples, avocados, spinach and frozen veggie mix galore!) so that I have something to eat that makes me so full that I forget that I even wanted that Boston Creme from Timmie's or those puffy cheesies(although I have eaten a few, moderation is the key to not gaining weight!)
I know exercise is gonna make me sore and tired, I would be annoyed if it didn't! That's the whole point, to make my body hurt in just the right way so that muscles will burn up most of the calories and also grow and make me have a bunch of energy I didn't have before I lost all this weight.
Really I still feel like a fatty, it's hard for me to believe I really got thinner, even though I know from the fact that most of my clothes are too big for me now.
I worry that this change of size is impacting my personality too much. I want to stay the super logical silly crazy lady that I've been for so long. I don't want to turn into a vapid party girl who goes ga-ga over sparkly stuff. This is probably just a faze for me. I hope I'll stay or get even fitter than I am now, but I don't want to be so weirdly obsessed with looking like a lady by wearing sparkly purple glasses and party dresses. Oh, I also bought a couple(purple and brown) shiny blouses too, they are size small and they fit me! I can't remember ever fitting a size small anything. Even though they have longish sleeves I think they are party clothes because they are from a designer store(I got them at the thrift store I work at for $4).
I don't know why I can't resist buying these things, it's really pointless because I never go out and really like being alone to read. Although I do wish a nice decent guy would ask me out so I could show the world that I'm awesome at doing whatever I put my mind to. Losing weight or whatever.

Do Or Do Not, There Is No Try....